Minnesota Wild
by Clarry
Summary: "So we take what comes and we keep on goin', leanin' on each others' shoulders." Follows the boys from birth to the present...and maybe the future? We'll see.
1. 1993

******Disclaimer****: It's important to state that I do not own Big Time Rush or these characters or the ideas behind them. That all belongs to Nickelodeon and Scott Fellows and the people associated with the television show. I write because it's fun and keeps me sane.**

******Author's Notes**: I first wrote this story three years ago, during the summer of 2010. I'm actually going through and revamping it a little, not so much the story but the format and layout because I was new to FF and had a hard time making everything work well. I considered adding to the story itself, because I read it now and cringe a lot, but in the end I decided to just leave it as it is. A lot has changed in three years and I never could have imagined how much I would go through with and for these boys, how close I would actually get to them over time, and how deeply they would change and affect my life. Nothing is like Big Time Rush. I said it then, in the beginning, and it still holds true today. As the end looms nearer, I wanted to go back to the beginning and remember the magic, remember when it was new and exciting. It's still exciting. James, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos still make me smile every day and take up way more of my thoughts than is healthy, and I wouldn't change anything over the past three years. It's been an incredible ride.

This was my first Big Time Rush story. When I first started writing it, the original intent was to do something different and make it entirely dialogue. It was to be a series of snapshots in time of the boys' lives before Big Time Rush, from birth all the way through to what was then the present. Once I got into it, though, I realized that not only would purely dialogue be confusing, it would most likely get boring after a while. And the more I wrote, the better I got at writing (though I'm still nowhere near where I wish to be), and it evolved. So while this isn't anywhere the style I write in today, it's what I did back then and what started it all for me, and for that reason I'm keeping it the way it was.

Rededicating this to ******The Brat Prince**, because if it wasn't for her encouraging me and giving me confidence and urging me to give myself a chance at writing, I wouldn't have ever written BTR in the first place. Her story "Here Be Dragons" was my first real experience with BTR slash, and she made me want to write it myself. She inspired me. And through long talks at night, she guided me to write this one and beta'ed the hell out of it and pushed me to be a better writer. I still don't think I even come close to her, but at least I now know it's something I love doing and that I want to do for the rest of my life. So thank you, Cassie, for getting me started on a hobby I plan to enjoy forever. And thank you for telling me my ideas were something others would also enjoy.

The reason this fic came about is because there was a lot of demand back then for pre-BTR fic. Minnesota fic. And so I created this backstory of the lives of Kendall, James, Logan, and Carlos, and tried to make it fit into canon. I had a lot more planned for the story, James was going to leave the band and go solo and then five years later he was going to show up in their lives again and none of that ever happened because my heart discovered Jagan and couldn't look back. I remember fighting to finish this story because all I wanted to write was Jagan, and it's funny that three years later my heart is rediscovering Kames and missing it. In truth, Jagan will always be my OTP. Nothing makes me happier than James and Logan together. But the inspiration for that has disappeared, we just don't see it so much anymore. So it's perfect I'm revisiting this story now.

Anyway. A promo for the new season is playing right now on my TV. It blows me away how much they've changed, how much I've changed, how much we've all grown in three years. But it all started here, with four boys who loved to play hockey and get into a bit of trouble, and one boy who had a dream. This is the story of that boy chasing his dream, and the three best friends who helped him get there and learned a lot about themselves, life, and love in the process. This is my story of how Big Time Rush came to be.

* * *

_******1993**_

"Are you scared?"

"Of course I'm scared!"

"You should be, because it hurts. A lot."

"You know, you're really not helping."

"Don't worry about it. You know exactly what's going to happen because you saw me go through it two months ago with Logan."

"I'm not sure that was a good idea. It made me want to run home and shove a coat hanger up into my stomach."

"Will you stop? You're being ridiculous. And that's not even funny, it's just gross."

"I can't help it. I'm about to have my cervix stretched wide enough to fit a minivan through there. Forgive me if I'm a little off my game."

"Hey, I'm impressed. I didn't think you knew any anatomical verbiage."

"I know what a cervix is. Just because I wasn't valedictorian and master science wizard like you, it doesn't mean I'm stupid."

"I never said you were stupid. Although marrying a hockey player took the words right out of my mouth."

"Will you stop?"

"No, because why would you marry someone who spends more than half the year away from you? Especially when you're pregnant, he should have taken the season off."

"It's not that simple, Katie, he signed a contract."

"Whatever. He'd better be here to see his son being born."

"He will. And it might not be a boy, I told you."

"Again. Whatever." Pause. "Have you picked out a name yet?"

"No, because unlike you, I like to be surprised. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl."

"It's a boy, I told you."

"Right. Just like Logan was a girl?"

"I never said Logan was a girl. I always knew he was a boy."

"But the doctor kept saying Logan was a girl."

"And I kept saying he was wrong. And who was right? Me. That's how I know yours is a boy."

"And I'm sure there's some scientific data that supports this theory of yours?"

"Of course. Logan likes him, so it has to be a boy."

"WHAT?"

"Logan likes him."

"Logan likes my baby. Who isn't even born yet."

"Right. Haven't you noticed that Logan cries whenever a female holds him? Well, except for you and me."

"He cries when I hold him over my shoulder. He's only quiet when I'm like…laying him over my stomach or something, like it's a pillow."

"Right. So when Logan has contact with your son, he's calm. We know he likes men. Women make him fussy. Therefore, your baby is a boy."

"And that's scientific."

"Absolutely." Pause. "So…name?"

Defeated sigh. "Kendall."

"Kendall's a girl's name."

"Yes, but I'm pretty sure it's a girl."

"You need to find a new name. Now. Because it's a boy."

"It's a ___girl_." Pause. "I think."

"Well, your husband may be ___in absentia_, but at least you have your best friend here with you."

"Oh, joy."

"Yep. You'd be freaking out right now if I wasn't here."

"I'm freaking out now."

"Seriously, hon. Pick a boy's name."

"Can we not worry about this right now?"

"I think we have to. They're going to induce labor soon."

"No, they're not. Because my water just broke."

* * *

"So, did she pick a name? Because I was thinking Melvin."

"You can't be serious."

"It's my grandfather's name, Katie."

"Oh, well…sorry. Kendall. She said she wanted Kendall."

"Kendall? That's a girl's name."

"I told her it was perfect. Congratulations on your new son. Sorry you didn't make it on time."

"Yeah, thanks for being here with her."

"I always am."

* * *

"Logan, meet Kendall. He's your new best friend, baby. Say hi."


	2. 1998

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve? Also, if this title is already taken, please let me know and I will change the name.

Obviously I was still relying on almost purely dialogue in this chapter. That does change eventually!

Dedicated to **The Brat Prince **because not only is she the coolest thing ever, she managed to get me writing again. Well, her and James both. Thanks for the prodding (and suggestions!), my darling. And thanks for the proofreading on this as well.

And a HUGE thank you to **0ni_baba** for previewing this and encouraging me to continue with such sweet words. I love you, babe!

* * *

"Where's your mommy, Logan?"

"She had to work."

"Your mommy works a lot."

"She has a 'portant job."

"My mommy's over there in the window."

"I can see her, Kendall."

"Are you scared, Logan?"

"No."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Do you think the teacher will be nice?"

"Teachers are always nice. Like policemen."

"Member that police man at the library? With the dog? I want a dog."

"Me, too. Mommy says I'm 'lergic though."

"That's why we can't get a dog. Mommy says you come over all the time and we can't get a dog cause of you."

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's okay. You watch Barney with me."

"I don't like Barney."

"I know, but you watch with me."

"Yeah. He's big and scary and laughs funny."

"But all the kids get to do cool stuff with him."

"I like Mr. Wizard."

"Who?"

"Mr. Wizard. Mommy showed me him. He's really smart."

"Barney's not smart."

"Nope."

"You're scared, Logan."

"Nuh-uh."

"The bus is coming, look! Bye, Mommy!" Kendall turns around and waves at his mom, who waves back and wipes a tear away. "Mommy wanted to hold my hand but I said no way."

"She told me it's okay to be scared."

"She _did_?"

"Yeah. Last night when you were brushing your teeth."

"Oh. It's okay?"

"She said so."

"I'm scared, Logan."

"Me, too."

As the children all file onto the bus and into their seats on the first day of kindergarten, Kendall reaches for Logan's hand and holds it tight. If anybody laughs at them he will make them sorry.

* * *

"Logan's mommy says you have to be nice 'cause you're a teacher."

"Oh, did she? Well, I am nice. Who's Logan?"

"Over there." Kendall points toward the coat rack, where Logan is hanging up his thick jacket carefully so it won't wrinkle. "He's my best friend."

"Well then, why don't you two sit next to each other at this table? Your name is Kendall, right?"

"Yeah. Logan, come on! Sit here!"

Logan makes his way quickly to the table where Kendall is waiting, making sure not to look at anybody else along the way.

"It's okay, Logan. She's nice like your mommy said."

Logan nods, having never doubted what his mother said because she is never wrong. He takes his seat next to Kendall, relieved when Kendall scoots his chair closer.

* * *

"Hurry, Logan! Mommy said she was making us cookies after school!"

"My picture bent, look! Kendall, wait up!" Logan starts jogging after Kendall toward the Knight home, where a very-pregnant Mrs. Knight is already opening the door and holding out her arms for hugs.

Kendall stops anyway, and turns back. "Hurry up!"

On shorter legs, Logan catches up to Kendall. "Look. There's a bend in the rocket ship."

"It's okay, Mommy can fix it."

"Come on boys, the cookies are getting cold!" Mrs. Knight tries hard to keep from embarrassing the boys with a sweeping embrace and then never letting go again. The first day of school has been torture for her.

"Mommy, can you fix Logan's picture? He drew a rocket ship for his mom but it got bent."

"Sure, honey." And then the boys are in her arms and she lets out a long breath. They've survived. And so has she.

* * *

"How was your first day of school, Logan?"

"It was okay. Mommy, how come I can't come watch the ship take off?"

"Because you'll be in school, sweetheart. But you'll see it on TV later, I promise. Kendall's mom already said she'll turn on the news for you as soon as you get home tomorrow."

"But…I wanna be there with you."

"I know, baby. And I'm sorry, I wish you could be here, too. Florida's far away from Minnesota, though, and you need to be at school."

"Yeah. I miss you, Mommy."

"Oh honey, I miss you, too. So much." Pause. "Kendall's mom said you have something for me?"

"Yeah! I drew a rocket ship today at school and told the class you were going up in space tomorrow. They laughed at me cause they said I was lying and Kendall tried to hit them and then he got put in the corner cause he called one boy a bad name."

Chuckle. "Kendall's already in trouble on the first day? Why am I not surprised? I love that kid."

"I wish I was there with you, Mommy."

"Me too, sweetheart. But remember what I told you before I left? What your job is while I'm gone and why you have to stay with Kendall and his parents?"

"Yeah. I have to watch Kendall."

"That's right, because without you Kendall gets into too much trouble. So I need you to keep him in line, okay? Make sure he doesn't do anything dangerous or stupid. That's a very important job."

"Like yours?"

"Right. My job is to go up in space and fix the machines, your job is to keep Kendall from beating anybody up or getting hurt. Can you do that?"

"Yeah. It's gonna be hard, Mommy. Kendall likes to fight."

Laughter. "Yes, I know. Sweetie, I have to go, but you hold onto that drawing for me and keep it safe until I get back, okay? I'll be home before you know it. You be good for Kendall's mom. Like I even have to say that," she added in an undertone.

"Okay. Love you, Mommy. Touch a star for me."

"Always do, lovebug. I love you. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

* * *

There are cameras everywhere. Military presence on all sides, their uniforms pressed and medals shiny. Even the President of the United States is here to speak, and on any other day, all of the activity would have made Logan pee his pants in excitement.

But today there is only Kendall, holding his hand tight with their fingers locked because no way in ___hell_ is Kendall letting go of Logan right now. Kendall's mom stands behind them with a hand on each boy's shoulder, but she is having a difficult time containing her own grief, and her husband is not there to hold her hand like Kendall holds Logan's. This time not even Katie is there for her, Katie who has always been there and promised never to leave her alone in a time of need.

Instead Katie, or a few mementos that represent Katie, lies in one of five elegant coffins provided by NASA to house what is left of the ___Voyager_'s crew. Logan cannot look away from them, wondering which flag his mother is resting under and why she doesn't just open it up and come running over. He knows about death. He gets the concept, understands that once you die, no one ever sees you again, and he knows what Heaven is all about.

Except nobody ever told him Death was allowed to come get your mom. He thought it was just for old people, grandmas and grandpas and maybe some criminals who did bad things. Death isn't supposed to leave an almost-six-year-old boy orphaned. That has to be cheating, and Death should be put in the penalty box like Kendall's dad is when he breaks a rule during a game.

Logan feels his knees suddenly give out and wonders why he's dizzy, but then Kendall's strong arms are around him and he can stand again. Kendall doesn't take away the arm that he slid around Logan's waist, and through his silent tears Logan sees Kendall watching him with wide, scared eyes. "I'm okay," he wants to whisper, but he doesn't because his mommy told him lying is wrong and so he must not ever lie.

Mommy also said she would be home soon, though, and that was a lie.

Mrs. Knight said it's okay if Logan doesn't want to call her "mommy" just because he and Kendall are going to be like brothers now. Logan doesn't think he could ever call anyone else mommy anyway, even the woman whose tears are raining down onto his neck. He leans back enough to rest his head on her bulging belly, wondering for a moment if the little girl inside can feel him there. Mrs. Knight said she knows it's a girl because Logan's mom said so, and Logan's mom is never wrong.

Only this time she was.

* * *

"I can't believe you're asking me to do this."

"I just need a little help."

"The season's barely started, it's not like I can skip out on the team."

"Don't they give you personal leave time or something? I'm just asking for a few months."

"Babe, it was hard enough to get away for these few days. Coach will never let me go for that long, no way."

"Couldn't you just try? I really need you right now, and with Logan here it's harder."

"Logan's always here. That's nothing new."

"Except I'm about to have another baby, and I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning to get the boys ready for school. And I don't have Katie here for support anymore, either."

"Babe, look. You knew when you married me that it would be like this. You knew I'd be away most of the time."

"I didn't know I'd lose my best friend and have to raise her son ___and_ two kids of my own without any help!"

In the hallway where two little boys in pajamas are eavesdropping, a voice whispers, "Kendall, we have to go to bed. We're gonna get in trouble!"

"Quiet, I can't hear!"

"They're gonna catch us out here in the hall. Come on!"

"Be quiet!"

"So hire a nanny if you need help!" is yelled from the bedroom.

"A ___nanny_? Did you really just say that? Who the hell ___are_ you? Because you're certainly not the man I married."

"I'm just saying, we have the money. If you need help, we'll get some."

"What I ___need_ is a husband and a father who will be here for his kids."

"And for Katie's."

"What? You have a problem with Logan being here?"

"No, babe, I just think we should have talked about it before you took him in."

"There was no ___time_ to talk about it. Nobody knew Katie was going to die and—"

"She knew."

Long pause. "She did not know she was going to die."

"She was an astronaut, for God's sake! Of course she knew it could happen. She made up a will, didn't she? Left Logan in our care?"

"I wouldn't want Logan anywhere else. He's like a son to me."

"I know."

"Why is that a bad thing?"

"Look, can we just go to bed?"

"No! No, we can___not_ because I still need a husband! A father for these boys and for our little girl who will be here any day!"

"How do you know it's a girl?"

"Katie told me."

"Oh. And Katie's always right, I forgot."

"Why are you being such an asshole? I just lost my best friend! I'm about to give birth—probably all alone because God knows ___you_ won't be here—and I have to raise three kids practically by myself! If anyone should be an asshole, it's me!"

"You knew I would be gone a lot."

Deep breath. "I knew I was giving up my dream. I sacrificed my singing career because I loved you and wanted a family with the man I loved. I have children, but I don't have a family. We're missing a father."

"You're being melodramatic."

"Please. I'm asking, begging you, to be here for me this once. Just give me a few months to get past Katie's birth and get her settled into this family, to get the new dynamic down. I need help, baby. Please."

* * *

"How come your daddy's putting all his stuff in that truck?"

"He has to leave."

"But he'll come back, right?"

"I don't know. He said he's gonna live somewhere else now."

"How come? Is it because Katie cries all the time?"

"Maybe."

"Are you okay, Kendall?"

"Yeah."

"It's okay if you cry. I won't tell anybody."

"I'm not gonna cry."

"Okay." Pause. "Your daddy's leaving cause of me, huh?"

"Did you make him mad?"

"Your mommy said he doesn't like me, member?"

"Don't be dumb, Logan."

"She said he has a problem with me."

"Who cares what he thinks? You're my friend. I want you to live here. And Mommy does, too. Katie likes you a lot."

"Katie throws up on me."

"Yeah, she's so cool."

"Shut up, Kendall!" Shove.

"Make me, Logan!" Harder shove back, then a long pause before Logan speaks.

"It's okay if you cry."

"I'm not gonna cry!"

Mrs. Knight eventually finds them huddled together behind a bush, Kendall crying like a baby on Logan's shoulder.


	3. 2003

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve? Also, if this title is already taken, please let me know and I will change the name.

Dedicated to **The Brat Prince** because not only is she the coolest thing ever, she managed to get me writing again. Well, her and James both. Thanks for the prodding (and suggestions!), my darling. And thanks for the proofreading on this as well.

And a HUGE thank you to ******0ni_baba** for previewing this and encouraging me to continue with such sweet words. I love you, babe.

This is just a short little chapter about Kendall and Logan getting onto the hockey team. A reminder that at the time I wrote this, a lot of canon had not been established about their childhood, so it doesn't always match up to what we know now (for example, we now know that the guys were on a peewee hockey team together, long before they were ten years old, and that they met Logan in like...3rd grade, I think it was?). So don't read this and go "But that's not what happened!" At the time, we didn't know any better.

* * *

**__****2003 (ten years old)**

"I look stupid."

"No you don't, Logan. You look like me. I'm not stupid."

"I'm not good at hockey."

"You're a good goalie."

"You just want me to try out with you."

"You ___are_ a good goalie, you're fast. You stop a lot of my rushes."

"Maybe you're just slow."

"Whatever."

"I didn't know we had to try out. I thought everybody got on the team."

"No, then it would suck. We have to be good."

"I won't make it then."

"Yes, you will."

"What if I don't?"

"You will."

"But if I don't, then you'll make new friends and be at practice all the time."

"You'll make it. You're good."

"Nope. It's gonna be so boring with just Katie to play with."

"Logan, if you don't make the team, I won't join either."

"What? You have to!"

"No. It's for both of us. We do everything together."

"But I don't even want to play. You have to because then your dad will come see you more."

"Then you better do your best, because I'm not joining without you."

"Yes, you are."

"Nope. It's you and me, Logan."

"Kendall, you're being stupid now."

"We're almost up. Make sure you tell them you're trying out for goalie, because if they see you trying to score, it's over."

"See? I suck."

"Not at the net. Dude, your reflexes are like…Superman. And try hard, because if I don't get to play because of you, I'm gonna be really mad."

"You're gonna play anyway. I'll make sure."

"Just make sure you do good."

* * *

"Told you we'd make the team."

"I can't believe it. Kendall, I'm on a team!"

"I know, dude. Told you. You're awesome at the net."

"But you always say I'm awesome. About everything."

"That's because you are."

"So now maybe your dad will come visit more!"

"Yeah, he can come to the games! You did so good out there, Logan. Everybody said so."

"Nuh-uh."

"They did! The assistant coach kept saying you were really fast to react. And he said you weren't afraid to dive for the puck like a lot of kids are."

"I'm not afraid to get hurt."

"Yeah you are, but it's okay cause you do it anyway. You're so cool, Logan."

"Not as cool as you."

"We are so cool."

"Yeah."


	4. 2005

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

Dedicated to **The Brat Prince** because not only is she the coolest thing ever, she managed to get me writing again. Well, her and James both. Thanks for the prodding (and suggestions!), my darling. And thanks for the proofreading on this as well. Editor extraordinaire!

And a HUGE thank you to ******0ni_baba** for previewing this and encouraging me to continue with such sweet words. I love you, babe

You may notice that Logan says Carlos' name A LOT. He just likes to say it, I don't know why. I tried to change this, but Logan insisted.

* * *

**__****1995 (12 years old)**

"Let's get sodies before we go."

The boys make their way through the melee of kids, some lacing up for free skate and others, like themselves, leaving after a hard practice on the ice. The transition is always hectic on Saturdays.

Logan stops in his tracks as Michael Jackson's "Black or White" blares over the loudspeakers. "My mom loved this song," he says just loudly enough for Kendall to hear and turn back.

Kendall's hand reaches out and squeezes Logan's shoulder but before he can say anything his eyes widen and he barks out a laugh. "Oh my God, look at ___that_ kid!"

Logan spins around and doesn't even have to ask who Kendall is referring to. Only one kid on the ice is calling attention to himself, though he doesn't seem to notice or care that he is. Logan isn't sure what's weirder, the fact that the boy is wearing a helmet and tights, or that he's flailing about on the ice as if his arms are wings that are going to take him airborne.

"He looks familiar."

"Yeah, I think he goes to our school, one of the special ed kids." Logan shakes his head before dismissing the boy altogether, ready to go home and kick Kendall's butt at Tekken 3.

"What's he doing?"

Kendall sounds amused, and it makes Logan sigh because Kendall is always getting distracted. Watching the kid more closely, Logan realizes that he's dancing in time to the music. Abruptly the kid starts flying over the ice, doing a flawless double axel and following it with a spin that would make Logan upchuck his waffles. "He must be practicing a routine for some ice dancing thing."

"He looks ridiculous," Kendall answers, but with a huge grin on his face. The kid is ___fast_. "Wonder if he's any good at hockey?"

"A kid like that? Please, Kendall. He belongs in a tutu. Can we just go?"

"Yeah, okay." Finally Kendall starts moving again, at least physically. "I didn't think slow kids were that coordinated."

"Maybe he's not slow. He could be autistic or something, I read that sometimes they're really talented at stuff. Who knows? Order me a Dr. Pepper."

As they approach the snack bar, the music is gradually drowned out by chanting. Kendall turns back toward the ice. "What are they saying?"

Sighing yet again, Logan surveys the scene. The helmeted boy is still going through his moves, but now a crowd of bigger boys is gathering around him and Logan knows they aren't cheering him on. He groans inwardly, seeing where this is going and knowing that his Dr. Pepper and Tekken plans aren't going to come to fruition anytime soon.

"Are they yelling _retard?_"

Kendall's righteous anger is something Logan normally loves about him, but today he finds it irritating. "Can we go, Kendall? He's fine."

Just then the song ends and the boy strikes his final pose, a big smile on his face because he's nailed that run-through. Kendall's hockey gear hits the floor and he moves toward the ice, determination in his stride and murder in his eyes. The boy is now aware of the insults being hurled at him and Logan expects that at any second he will start crying like a baby, but instead a fierce pride steals over his features and he yells out, "I am _not_ a retard! Shut up before I take _all _of you down!"

"Oh yeah? You gonna wrestle me in your tights, Short Bus?" a big kid sneers.

"Shut up! I am not a retard," the boy repeats before letting out a war cry and launching himself at the "short bus" bully.

Kendall grabs the flying cannon just before his helmet hits the bully's stomach and pulls him back. "Whoa, hang on there. It's cool, calm down."

The boy is still writhing and straining to get at the crowd, and Logan is amazed that Kendall is able to keep a grip on him. He's content to watch the action until the leader of the bullies takes a step toward Kendall, and then he finds himself sprinting over the ice.

Kendall manages to pull himself and the helmeted kid back far enough to keep from being pummeled, and then Logan is attempting to hold off the larger boy. "___Stop_, dude. Leave him alone. Why don't you go pick on some high school kids who can wipe the sidewalk with your face? He's not doing anything wrong." It doesn't matter that Logan couldn't care less about the smaller kid; if it's important to Kendall, it's important to him.

"Whatever. You guys better take your boyfriend home before somebody tries to boink him."

___Oh shit no no no no Kendall, don't._ Logan shakes his head minutely at Kendall, who probably would have jumped the guy but instead backs off. Suddenly it's like someone let the air out of a balloon and all the tension drops away from the scene. Short Bus and his little crowd melt away, leaving Kendall still holding onto the kid, who is fighting the grip and yelling.

"What's your problem, man? I could've taken them. I don't need your help!"

Kendall immediately lets go and backs up, hands out in a "calm down" gesture. "Dude. Never said you did. Just trying to be nice."

"Yeah well…I could've put him in the hospital. I'm just saying."

"Okay."

Logan tries his best not to laugh. "Yeah, let's go, Kendall. He's fine."

Kendall's hesitation makes Logan want to scream. "So…you're really fast."

The boy says nothing, just looks like he still wants to rip someone apart.

"I'm Kendall, and this is Logan."

Silence.

"Well then. You're welcome." With that, Kendall spins on his heel with Logan close behind.

Once they're finally back in line with their gear in hand, Logan breathes a sigh of relief. Now they can get on with their weekend.

The voice comes from behind them. "Hey, do you really think I'm fast?"

___No_, Logan thinks. ___Just…no. Go away._

"Oh, hey!" Kendall's face lights up at the sight of the smaller kid. "Yeah, you're light on your feet. And you've got killer dance moves. You ever play any hockey?"

"Hockey? Nah. I only do the figure skating stuff because my mom makes me."

Logan can't keep quiet any longer. "Yeah right, you totally love it. I could see it on your face." Kendall elbows him. "What? It's true."

"So what? He's good, he ___should_ be proud."

___Kendall, please. Please just let's go home and be alone._

"How come you're in special ed classes?" Kendall wants to know.

"I don't know. My teacher says I'm special, so that's where I belong. But I'm not stupid."

"And how come you wear a helmet? Is that just for practice?"

"My mom makes me wear it because I run into stuff all the time."

"Did you ever think of just going ___around_ stuff instead?" Logan smirks.

"Actually, ___Logan_, I like bumping into stuff. It's fun. Is that okay with you?"

"Whatever. Kendall, it's our turn, go!"

The boys turn their attention to the snack bar and Kendall orders two Dr. Peppers before looking back at the boy. "Want one?"

Even as annoyed as he is, Logan finds it pathetically precious how much the boy's eyes light up at this. "Heck yeah! Just don't tell my mom, because I'm not supposed to have caffeine or sugar."

"Are you diabetic?"

"No, Logan, I'm just hyper. Is _that_ okay with you?"

After grabbing his own drink and passing the kid's to him, Logan moves away from the counter with Kendall. "I'm ignoring that."

"Hey, you want to come over and play Tekken 3 with us?"

___WHAT? Kendall, NO! NO NO NO! __Logan is going to ignore how excited the boy seems to be at the idea____._ "Kendall, he can't. Mama K. said we can't invite people over when she's not home!"

"It's no big deal. We'll just tell her what happened. She always likes it when I do something nice."

"But Kendall—"

"_Really?_ Yeah! Let me go change first, okay? And I have to call my mom! Here, hold my drink!"

Logan manages to grab the soda before it drops to the floor and Kendall chuckles as he watches the boy run off in his skates. "Hey, what's your name?" he calls out.

"Oh! I'm Carlos!" Then he's off and running again.

"Kendall, what is wrong with you? We don't even know him!" Logan's voice is doing that hissing thing.

Kendall shrugs. "His name's Carlos and he skates really fast."

"Kendall! You know what I mean! What if he breaks stuff? Your mom's gonna shit!"

"Will you chill? He's not gonna break anything. I want to see if I can get him to try out for the team. We could go to State with him on the puck."

"We can do that with ___you_ on the puck. But you invited him over! Without permission! You know your mom and Katie aren't gonna be home until tonight. She's gonna be so mad, Kendall."

"She will not, she'll feel sorry for Carlos. Watch, she'll probably invite him to sleep over tonight."

"_What?_ No. Kendall, no. He can't. He's…he's…Kendall, we just can't. We're supposed to have our Tekken tournament tonight, just you and me. Remember?"

"Logan…" Kendall slides an arm around Logan's neck and pulls him closer. "It's not gonna matter if he's there. You know you're still my best friend, right? ___Always_, dude."

"Stop making me sound gay."

"Don't worry about it. We'll have fun. And later he'll go home, and you'll still be there. Right?"

"I guess."

"Because we're bros. If he stays over, he can sleep in your bed. You can share with me. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Okay."

"And I won't even sing you to sleep in front of him. Then he'd really think you're gay."

"Shut up. You ___are_ gay."

Both boys are laughing when Carlos runs up in jeans and sneakers. "Give me my soda, Logan. You didn't spit in it, did you?"

"Not yet."

* * *

"Come on, let's study in the bedroom. Otherwise Katie will come bug us every five seconds."

"Katie's pretty cool, for a little kid. She's way smart, huh?"

"Yeah." Logan closes the door behind Carlos and motions to Kendall's bed. "You can put your stuff there since Kendall's with his dad for the weekend."

"So his dad's really a pro hockey player?"

"Yep. New Jersey Devils. But we don't see him very much because he lives in Jersey."

"Is that why Kendall never talks about him?"

"Pretty much. He's really sensitive about his dad, so don't ask him about it, okay? Mama Knight's been raising us by herself for a long time."

Carlos flops back onto Kendall's bed, bare head sinking into the pillow. "She's cool."

"Yeah."

"I used to think you and Kendall were brothers."

"Yeah. We kind of are, I guess." Logan takes a seat at the small desk that he and Kendall share, though it's more his because Kendall rarely uses it. "So. You ready to do this?"

For once, Carlos is quiet. His eyes speak of his fear and feelings of inadequacy.

"Carlos, you have to do this if you want to go to school with us. Junior high is a big deal, and you don't want to be stuck with the disabled kids there unless you have to be."

"I know, it's just...I've never been in classes with normal kids. Smart kids like you."

"Well, that's why you're spending the weekend with me. I'm going to get you ready for the real world."

"But...what if I can't do it? I'm not smart like you, or even like Kendall."

"You don't have to be a genius, Carlos. If that was the case, Kendall would still be in first grade. You just have to show them that you have basic knowledge and that you're able to learn at a reasonable pace."

Carlos sits up and bites his lip, elbows leaning on his knees. "Everybody thinks I'm retarded, though. Okay, ___slow_," he adds, because they both know how much Kendall hates that word.

"Carlos, I used to think you were slow, too. But now I know better because we've known each other for a few months. You just...need help focusing, is all."

"Kendall says you can teach me enough to be ready for the entrance test on Monday. But that's three days away and you know I can't remember all that stuff for very long."

"Look, Carlos. I'm not even gonna start teaching you anything new until tomorrow. Tonight we're just gonna talk and maybe I'll give you some math problems and some basic writing stuff just to see where you're at. Do they teach you any math or English or anything in your special ed class?"

"A little bit, but mostly my mom teaches me that stuff. She says that just because I need extra attention, it doesn't give me an excuse to be stupid."

"Okay, good. So we should probably wait until after dinner because Mama K. said it'll be ready soon. And that way you'll have some energy for your brain. Come on, I gotta go set the table. Hope you like fish sticks and tater tots."

Logan makes it to the door before Carlos stops him with a hand on his arm. "Logan, how come...well, why are you being so nice to me? I thought you hated me."

"I don't hate you, it's just...well, you annoy me."

"Yeah, but I annoy lots of people. And they don't look at me like you do, like you want to kill me or something."

"Carlos, you're exaggerating."

"No, I'm not."

"Well, how about because the day we met, you never once said 'thank you' to me and Kendall?"

"I told you, I didn't need-"

"Yeah yeah, we know. But Kendall didn't have to stick up for you. He did, though, and you just yelled at him. That pissed me off."

"I'm sorry, okay? Nobody ever did that for me and I didn't know how to react. I figured maybe you guys had a reason for butting in."

"A reason? Like what?"

"I don't know! You could've just wanted to show off for your girlfriends or something."

"Girlfriends? Carlos, please. Have you ever even seen me talk to a girl?"

"No, but...I'm not used to kids sticking up for me. Only adults."

"You don't have to worry about that anymore, okay? One thing about being Kendall's friend is that he always has your back. ___Always_."

"What about you?"

The shy tone from Carlos surprises Logan. "What about me?"

"Do you have my back, too?"

"Duh, Carlos. I did the day we met, right?"

"Yeah, but that was just because that guy was going after Kendall."

Was it? Logan thinks back to that day and...yeah. It was the threat to Kendall that got him moving. "I wasn't going to stand back and let either of you get hurt, okay?"

A nod from Carlos. "Okay."

"Carlos. For whatever reason, Kendall likes you and wants you around. That makes us automatic friends. You don't have to worry about me. If I didn't care, you wouldn't be here right now. Alright?" Logan smiles and squeezes Carlos' shoulder. "I got your back, bro. We're a team now."

Logan isn't expecting it when Carlos nearly tackles him to the ground with a hug, but what surprises him more is the way his arms instinctively return the embrace to pull Carlos in tighter.


	5. September 2008

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

* * *

**__****2007 (first day of high school)**

"Who does picture day on the first day of school?"

"A lot of places do, Kendall." Logan glances around the auditorium, taking in freshmen from all walks of life. Most of them, he imagines, are as terrified as he is.

"But by the time the yearbook comes out you look totally different, like high school changes you or something." Kendall lays his arms over Carlos' and Logan's shoulders. "It's not gonna change us, though. Right, guys?"

Rather than answer, Carlos laments, "I can't believe my mom didn't let me wear a helmet for pictures."

"You gotta grow up sometime, Carlos."

"Doesn't mean I have to stop having fun, Logan." Carlos' hand ghosts over his bare head, petting the memory of his best friend. He scopes out the kids that are spread out over the room. "At least I'm not like those girls, all worried about hair and make-up all the time. Girls are weird."

Logan studies them. "Actually...I think that one's a guy."

"Which one?" Carlos scrutinizes the small group surrounded by a cloud of hairspray and powder. One of them is stroking a comb through chin-length brown hair with blondish highlights, and girls don't usually use combs, but...no. Definitely a girl.

"The one wearing jeans. With the comb."

"No way, Logan. That's a girl."

Logan steps away from Kendall to focus harder on the group. "It's a guy. I can tell by the way he's standing. And no girl is that tall. Besides, the other girls are way too into him. Gotta be a guy."

Carlos shakes his head. "No way. I'm telling you, it's a girl."

After a brief pause, both boys turn back and look up. "Kendall?" they ask in unison.

"Huh? What?" Kendall returns to their presence abruptly.

Logan grins. "The chicks you were just checking out? The one in the jeans is a guy, right?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Ha! Told you, bro."

Carlos shrugs. "Looks like a girl to me."

"No, that's definitely a guy," Kendall answers.

"Oh, who cares? So where are we meeting at lunch? I say whoever gets to the cafeteria first saves a table."

"That's gonna be Kendall, because his class is closest." Logan has taken it upon himself to memorizes the other boys' schedules. He knows this will come in handy within a matter of hours. "Hey, Kendall, did you tell Carlos you're taking home ec?" He knows that Kendall has and that Carlos has already razzed him about it, but it's worth a repeat.

Instead of shooting back a sharp retort like Logan expects, Kendall suddenly blurts out, "Logan! Who did they just call?"

"What?"

"The picture people. What name was that?"

In addition to a photographic memory, Logan also has the power to replay any sequence of sounds in his head. He takes five seconds to run it back, then says, "James Diamond?"

Kendall repeats it slowly. "James Diamond."

"Yeah."

"Who's James Diamond?" Carlos asks.

"The guy you two were arguing about. He just went in for his picture."

Carlos and Logan look over, and sure enough the boy is gone.

"HA! I win that bet, Carlos!"

"We didn't even bet, Logan!"

"Still. I win. Put one down for me, Kendall."

Carlos shakes his head. "You're such a nerd, Logan."

"Lucky for you, or you'd still be in special ed."

"Yeah yeah."

* * *

"How can one guy have so many girls after him?" Carlos marvels at lunchtime as he watches that James kid across the cafeteria.

James sits alone, but never for more than thirty seconds. Girl after girl approaches his table and while he unfailingly smiles and chats with each one, they all leave with a dejected look after a short time.

"I thought girls liked jocks," Logan whines.

"What I don't get is that he keeps sending them away!" Kendall is baffled. "Who does that?"

Carlos shrugs. "Maybe he's gay. My uncle's like that; chicks totally dig him but he doesn't care."

"I heard a girl in my science class say that he has a lucky comb. Probably the one he was using this morning. She knows him from junior high," Logan adds.

"A lucky comb? What a dork!"

"Yeah. But then again, you have a lucky helmet," Logan snickers.

"Hey! My helmet serves a purpose!" Carlos pats it hard once, enjoying the freedom of wearing it between classes.

Kendall stands up suddenly. "I'm gonna go talk to him."

"What?" Carlos gasps.

"Why?" Logan asks.

"Because I don't ___get_ him. I wouldn't be chasing those girls away."

"Kendall!" Logan hisses before standing up to grab at him, but Kendall's long legs have already carried him out of groping distance.

Rather than just stopping by like all the girls did, Kendall slides onto the bench across from James. "Hey."

James pushes his tray away slowly and glances up with a smirk. "You really think I'd send all those girls away but let ___you_ sit here?"

Kendall's certainty leaves him. "What?"

"I saw you watching me over there. ___And_ this morning in the auditorium."

An unfamiliar heat crowds into Kendall's cheeks. "I...my friends were arguing about whether you're a boy or a girl." ___Stupid, stupid!_

But James only smiles softly and shakes his head. "I get that a lot."

"Well..." Always the helpful one, Kendall blurts, "Maybe if you didn't wear your hair like that. We could cut it and maybe if you wore different clothes. I have some shirts you can borrow and-"

"Dude. You're assuming that I don't ___like _looking this way. I work hard to be this pretty."

For once, Kendall is stumped.

James picks up his tray and scoots off the bench, forcing Kendall to look up as James stands. "I don't need some hockeyheads telling me how to dress. Later."

Five seconds pass before Carlos and Logan swoop down on him.

"Dude! What did he say?" Carlos is amazed that somebody actually ___walked away_ from the coolest guy he's ever known.

"Did I see you ___blush_?" Logan is in a bit of awe himself.

"Nothing." Kendall shrugs the moment off and stands. "He just said he likes the way he looks."

"Yeah, well the girls like it, too." Carlos motions toward the exit, where James is...well, ___strutting_ toward the door with a following of no less than five girls. "How does he ___do_ that?"

"Obviously a well-kept secret, eh Kendall?" When there's no answer, Logan looks over at his best friend and is surprised to see Kendall staring after James with a look he knows well_._ "Oh no," he groans.

Kendall loves a challenge.

* * *

Taking home economics was his mother's idea. Logan expressed an interest in computers as his elective, and since Kendall has no interest in anything computer-related except online gaming, he passed on that plan. Immediately Logan decided that he too would choose something else, and it took Kendall an entire day to convince Logan to take the class without him. It was the first thing they had ever chosen to do apart.

Carlos chose woodshop, but his mother put her foot down at the thought of him using any kind of sharp objects. They compromised with auto shop, which his father felt was a "man's" subject, and Carlos lived to make his father proud.

When Kendall's mom heard him lamenting over the fact that he had no interest in anything other than hockey, she suggested he take home economics as a way to "broaden his horizons." The boys assumed she was joking and laughed it off, but she pressed on with arguments about how every man should know how to cook, clean, and do his own laundry. When they continued to laugh, she mentioned that it was a great way to meet girls and that girls think it's cute when a boy needs help cracking an egg. That shut them all up.

___Sure, it's a great way to meet girls_, Kendall thinks as he looks around the classroom now, ___because I am the ONLY boy in the entire class. Mom, I'm going to kill you. _Not one girl is looking at him with interest; instead they all act like he's got green scales and maybe some horns growing out of his head. This really cannot get any worse. He's going to drop this class as soon as he can.

A flutter of girly laughter floats to him from the front of the room and he looks up to see...___no. No way._ James Diamond has entered the classroom with his bevy of fangirls. Kendall sits up straight, relief pouring through him. ___Another guy. Thank God._

Roll is taken and the teacher goes through the basic introductions of herself and the class objectives, and then she says the words that are music to Kendall's ears: "Each of you will need to choose a partner now. You will present your assignments together as a team and be graded as a team, so choose wisely because this will be your partner for the duration of the semester."

___Yes. Two guys, the teacher will totally cut us some slack here, right? _Kendall goes straight for James, unsurprised that at least eight girls want to be his partner. ___But I've got an edge, ladies. I'm a boy. _He catches James' eye and motions him over.

"I was so relieved when you walked in. I was afraid I'd be the only guy in here. Partners?"

"Are you kidding?" James looks at him in that same way that makes him think he might actually ___have_ horns growing out of his head. "I'm going to partner with a girl! Easy 'A', dude! Think about it!" he whispers before returning to the ladies with a huge grin.

Once again, Kendall is momentarily speechless. Forget that James has a valid point; he has verbally rejected Kendall twice in one day.

___Well. At least Jenny Tinkler's in this class, and she's had the hots for me since second grade. Easy 'A' for sure._ Kendall looks around for Jenny and finally finds her—sitting at James' table with a gloating expression on her face.

___Oh, Jenny. Not you too._

* * *

"Dude, let's do it!"

"Wait for Kendall, he won't want to miss it." Logan zips up his jeans and fastens them with a snap that is drowned in the echoing babble of the locker room.

"Do you think he'll cry?" Carlos almost wets himself just thinking about it. This is going to be ___awesome_.

Kendall returns from the showers wrapped in a towel, hair plastered to his head. As he unlocks his locker, Logan leans in and whispers, "Kendall, we're gonna steal James' lucky comb!"

Kendall's head whips around. "What? No, you're not."

Carlos blinks. "We're not?"

"No."

"Kendall. What is wrong with you?" Logan steps back to allow Kendall to start dressing but stays close enough to speak quietly and still be heard. "Why not?"

"Because. It's mean."

"We're going to give it back! Kendall. The guy dissed you at lunch. He was totally rude; no matter what you say I could tell he was rude to you."

"He wasn't rude. Guys, come on. Carlos, how would you feel if somebody stole your helmet?" Noting the look on Carlos' face, Kendall amends that. "Somebody ___besides_ Logan."

"It's just for fun, Kendall."

"Still. You're not mean, Carlos. Logan, ___you_ I have doubts about. You ___are_ mean."

"Only to Carlos, and that doesn't count because he knows I love him. But let me get this straight, Kendall. I finally come up with an awesome prank—me, ___Logan_—and you're not going to let me do it?"

Kendall slips a t-shirt over his head. "Yeah, pretty much."

"What is ___with_ you?"

"Logan, were you even watching him out there? Were either of you?"

Carlos and Logan exchange a baffled look.

"That's what I thought. If you had been, you'd have noticed how fast he runs, how quickly he climbs ropes, how graceful he is when he does...well, _everything_, and how competitive he is."

Logan doesn't want to address ___anything_ Kendall just said, so instead Carlos responds. "So?"

"So...do you guys know how incredible he would be on the team?" Kendall finishes dressing with a snap of his flannel shirt and spins around to face them. "Think about it."

___Hockey. This is about hockey. I should have known. _Logan shakes his head. "That guy would never play hockey. You know that, right?"

"I have to agree with Logan on this one, Kendall. He's not cut out for hockey."

"He is. I know it. I just have to make him see it." Kendall sits down on the bench to put on shoes and socks, brain already working on the problem.

"He's not gonna give up, is he?" Carlos asks.

"Unfortunately...no. Not until he realizes it isn't going to happen."

All three boys look up as James steps into the immediate area. Sensing the attention, he glances over. "Talking about me again, boys?"

"Yes." Kendall ignores the wide eyes and warning sounds Carlos and Logan are making. "I'm wondering why you don't play hockey."

"Hockey? Me?" James reaches into his locker and retrieves his ever-present comb. "It's not my thing."

"Right, but it ___could_ be. You've been skating before, right?"

The comb is mesmerizing as it glides up and down the strands of wet hair. "It's not my thing, Kendall," he repeats.

"Try-outs for the league are still open. You can come with us to practice tonight, my mom won't mind driving you."

James sets the comb down in his locker and turns his full attention on Kendall. "You're used to people doing what you say, aren't you?"

"What? No. I just really think you should-"

"Kendall. Let it go." It's sound advice from Logan.

Kendall doesn't let it go, though. "James, just think about it. Please. We could use you on the team, we're missing something and I think you might be it."

"___Kendall_. Your mom's waiting for us, let's go." Even Carlos is getting uncomfortable now. Both boys start pulling Kendall from the room, sensing an anger rising in James that Kendall seems to be oblivious to.

"Thanks for once again telling me how to live my life, but I think I'll just do things my own way. Does that work for you, Kendall?"

James' clenched fists and reddening face still appear to go unnoticed by Kendall. "No. No, it doesn't. Because you could do so much more with your abilities-"

"KENDALL." Carlos and Logan finally get him to the exit. "Are you crazy?" Logan gasps.

"No kidding, dude. I don't care how girly he is, he's big and strong. He looked like he wanted to kick your ass, Kendall!"

"I know! Wasn't it awesome?"

A shared look behind Kendall's back confirms they are in agreement—Kendall has lost it. _"What?"_

"Did you see him getting all worked up? Controlled anger, all that aggression just below the surface..._guys._ That's what I'm talking about. We need him on the team. He's going to be a powerhouse."

Logan slaps a palm to his own forehead. "Okay, Kendall. Whatever you say. Can we just go home now?"


	6. October 2008

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

* * *

It's been almost a month and Kendall is still no closer to getting into James' head. Two shared classes and it doesn't get him anywhere. In home ec, James is surrounded by mothering females; in gym, he's always on the move and even Kendall can't keep up long enough to have a decent conversation. He and James lock eyes more times each day than Kendall can count, but again—it's done him no good because how is that supposed to get James to reconsider hockey?

Kendall's strengths don't seem to work on James. He is impervious to charm (which Kendall has never encountered before), politely dismissive of flattery (a simple "thank you" when Kendall complimented his hair), and somehow even Kendall's stubborn bullheadedness doesn't faze him anymore. James Diamond is a conundrum, a puzzle that Kendall needs to crack, and soon—the team's first season game is in two weeks and if they have any hope of making it to the finals, they ___need_ James.

It's actually Carlos who gives Kendall the idea. Half-heartedly attempting to write a paper for English but mostly focusing his attention on the James problem, he hears Logan tutoring Carlos about spiders. Logan spends at least an hour every single day tutoring Carlos on what he's learned and helping Carlos with his homework, even working closely with Carlos' teachers to make sure he's able to keep up with the rest of the class. Apparently Carlos' science class is studying arachnids at the moment.

"See, the spider just sits there and waits for the prey to come to it after constructing this elaborate web."

"Well, that's stupid. Wouldn't they catch more food if they went out and attacked the enemy?"

Everything is black and white for Carlos, and Kendall fights back the urge to ruffle Carlos' hair.

"You have to remember that most of their food is flying around and spiders don't really fly. But there is the net-casting spider, which actually throws his net over the prey and tackles it."

"See, now that's what I'm talking about. Who wants to just sit around and wait? I say get out there in the world and stalk your prey."

___Get out there and stalk your prey._

Kendall is not a stalker; in fact, Kendall is good with letting people live their own lives. Where did James even get this idea that he expects people to do what he says? But this is a code red situation, and desperate times call for desperate measures.

It's time to put himself out there, to force himself into James' world so he can no longer be ignored. Next step would be to ___find_ James' world. What makes him tick? What does James do after school? Is he in any clubs? Time to do some research.

Two days later Kendall has a plan, and it's not one he's comfortable with, but again—code red situation. Kendall's going to have to put his acting skills to use.

Literally. Because James has a love of drama.

* * *

"You got detention?" Carlos asks incredulously.

"Did you beat someone up, Kendall? I ___knew_ it was a bad idea for us to have separate classes. I'm going to talk to the school counselor first thing tomorrow."

"Guys, calm down." Kendall holds up his hands in a defensive gesture, amused. "I might've said some things. But it's no big deal, I'll get this over with and hang out until it's time for practice."

"We can wait for you. We'll just start studying in the library, right Carlos?

"No, guys. Really. Just go home, I'll meet you there in a little while. And Mom already knows about it, so she won't freak out when I don't get in the car with you."

Once Logan and Carlos have gone, Kendall heads over to the auditorium and finds it much more crowded than he's anticipated. ___Really? All these people want to be in a play? They're nuts. Who'd want to be on a stage pretending to be someone else? _This definitely falls under the "broadening your horizons" thing his mom's been drilling into him.

His eyes travel the room until they fall on James, who is near the stage and...what ___is_ he doing? Making his way toward the front of the room, Kendall finally realizes that James is ___talking_. To a ___mirror._

"What are you doing?" This is not the way to win James over, Kendall knows this, but he can't contain himself.

James lets out a shocked "ah!" and spins around, pressing the compact mirror to his chest.

"Kendall?"

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm rehearsing."

"With a mirror? Do you always carry a mirror around?"

"No. I borrowed it from Ellie. Not a bad idea, though. It helps me get the right expression down. What are ___you_ doing here?"

Kendall looks around and shrugs. "Isn't this where we audition for the play?"

It takes James a full ten seconds to wrap his head around ___those_ words coming from ___Kendall's_ mouth. "You're not serious."

"Why not? I can act."

"Mmm...no. No, I don't see it." James shakes his head with a grimace.

"I'm getting a part."

"Kendall, do you even know what play you're auditioning for?"

"Of course! I did my homework. I will be Hephaestion to your Alexander. Wait, did I say that right?"

There are so many things wrong with this statement that James is momentarily silenced.

"So how does this work? They just call us up one by one and we read the script they give us?"

"Please, Kendall. Do yourself a favor and leave now. This really isn't your thing. Hockey, coercing and manipulating people, being stubborn and hard-headed, that's your thing. This? This is ___my_ thing."

"We'll see, won't we? Oh look, they're calling up the Alexanders. Better get over there." Kendall shoves James toward the stage, ignoring the scandalized look he receives in return. "Break a leg, dude!"

* * *

It's been an agonizing four days, but today the cast list for "Alexander" goes up. Kendall sits at their lunch table, a ball of nerves. He surprised himself at the audition, fully getting into the part and owning it in a way he wouldn't have thought himself capable of, and if James' shocked expression was anything to go by, Kendall would say he nailed it. James still hasn't thawed toward him, but if he gets the part, Kendall thinks there's a chance.

"We need to talk. Now."

Looking over his shoulder, Kendall sees Logan staring down at him with a thunderous expression. "Hey, Logan. Sit down, let's talk." He scoots over and pats the bench next to him.

"Not here. Outside. ___Now_."

"Okay. But shouldn't we wait for Carlos? He'll wonder where we are if-"

"Forget Carlos. He can fend for himself for ten minutes."

Oh crap. Logan is ___really_ mad. Kendall follows Logan out of the cafeteria, passing James on his way in and as usual, the two share a look. They ___always_ share a look, and why can't it ever be more than that? It's not fair that James won't give him a chance.

"Hey guys, where we going?" Carlos is suddenly next to Kendall.

"___We_ are going to have a talk. ___You_ are going to go eat lunch."

"Apparently I've done something wrong," Kendall says to Carlos under his breath.

"Oh, Kendall's in trouble? I wanna watch!"

"Carlos. Sit. Table. Now."

"You better go, dude," Kendall whispers.

Carlos slinks away alone. Kendall doesn't know why he finds all of this so funny. Obviously Logan has worked himself into a huge tizzy, and...well, ___that's_ why. Logan getting all worked up over nothing is just adorable.

Except as they find a quiet, secluded spot at the side of the building, Kendall thinks maybe this isn't nothing. Logan looks like he may be angry enough to cry. "What's wrong?"

"What is going on with you?"

"What's going on with me?"

"Yes. You. Since when do you lie to me and Carlos?"

"I don't lie to you guys."

"Detention? Were you ever planning to tell me you're in the play?"

Kendall blinks. "I made it? Which part did I get? Did James get-" But at the murderous look on Logan's face, Kendall realizes he's made a mistake.

"Why are you so obsessed with James?"

"I'm not obsessed with him."

"Yes, you are! You watch him all the time. You think about him all the time, and don't try to argue about it because ___you talk about him in your sleep._"

___Oh shit, do I?_ "Logan, it's not about him. Don't you get it? We need him on the team!"

"No, we don't! We do fine without him."

"We do ___fine_. Not great, not even ___good_. We have to be the best, don't you get that?"

"Kendall. Listen to yourself."

"Listen to ___yourself._ You're jealous of a guy who won't even talk to me!" Logan's shocked, hurt expression makes Kendall wish he could eat those words. "I thought you understood, Logan. I have to make my dad proud."

"Your ___dad_?"

"It's the only thing he even likes about me. The only thing we have in common, that we can talk about. I have to become a pro like him. I ___have_ to. And the better the team is, the more talent scouts will come to see our games, and the better chance I have of getting into the NHL someday. Logan, I know you guys don't see it, but it's there. We ___need_ him."

"Aw, Kendall." Logan releases a long breath before pulling Kendall in for a tight hug. "You can't keep living for your dad, bro. Play hockey for yourself, not for anyone else."

___I am not going to cry._ "It's all I know how to do. All I ever wanted to do."

"I know." Logan steps back and sighs. "Look, if it's that important to you, let's get James on the team."

Sunshine emanates from behind Kendall's eyes. "Really?"

"Yeah. Sure. But for the record, I'm not jealous."

"Oh. Yeah, no, I know. I didn't mean..."

"Okay. Just making sure."

"Right." The boys start walking toward the cafeteria. "So um...I got Hephaestion, right?"

"No. No, actually, ___James_ got Hephaestion. You got Alexander."

"What?" Kendall stops walking, eyes wide. "Me? Alexander? The lead? Oh crap, James is going to be pissed."

"Kendall, how are you going to do this? It can't interfere with hockey practice." Logan pulls Kendall along.

"Don't worry, I made sure. Rehearsal is after school, but it's over by 4:30. Plenty of time to make it to practice. And if you guys don't mind, you can study in the library until I'm done."

"That's fine. But you hate everything fake. How is it possible that you have any acting talent at all?"

"I don't know. It was weird, I just got up there and it felt...kinda good."

"Kendall Knight on a stage? Never thought I'd see the day."

"I know, right?"

"You know, it's not even the acting thing I'm so upset about. You lied to me, Kendall. Why didn't you just tell us?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because...Logan, you would have wanted to do it, too."

"So? Maybe I'm a good actor."

They both choose to ignore the absurdity of that comment. "It doesn't matter if you are or not. You can't do it, Logan."

"Why not?"

"Because of Carlos. He needs you. Without your help every day, he won't be able to keep up in his classes. You can't do that to him."

The truth of this sinks into Logan. "He's a lot smarter than people think."

"I know. But he still needs help, and nobody has the patience with him that you do. Not even his mom; have you seen her trying to help him study?" Kendall pauses as they enter the cafeteria. "What's that?"

Both boys follow the sound of music and cheering to find Carlos in the middle of a crowd. "Oh no. Not again," Logan moans.

"No wait! Listen!"

The crowd is cheering Carlos on as he struts across a table in time to the music from a radio that someone has smuggled into the cafeteria. As always, his dance moves are killer.

Logan chuckles. "Kendall is in a play and Carlos is dancing on tables. Can this day get any weirder?"

Kendall grins and shakes his head, and then it does get weirder when James appears out of nowhere, hopping up onto the table to join Carlos. The two high-five each other before going into what could almost be a choreographed performance. James moves as if he was born to dance.

"Is there anything this guy can't do?" Kendall wonders aloud.

"Apparently he can't play hockey."

It takes a few lunchroom monitors to break up the dancing, but eventually the crowd scatters. James and Carlos share one more high-five and even a booty bump before James returns to his table and is swooped upon by his entourage.

"Guys! You saw that? How cool was I? And ___James_! That guy can ___dance_!" This is a high that will keep Carlos floating for days.

"Pretty cool, dude. Definitely. Hey, how come you didn't tell me you knew James?" And why is ___this_ the part that Kendall zeroes in on? Maybe Logan's right; maybe he ___is_ obsessed.

"Know him? I don't know him, he just jumped up there and we started dancing together. Dancing makes everybody happy, didn't you know that?"

Logan and Kendall exchange an incredulous look. "I've been trying for weeks to get inside this guy's head, and all Carlos has to do is start dancing on a table and they're best buds. I don't get it."

"Don't even try, Kendall. You'll just hurt yourself trying to understand Carlos' world. Trust me."

* * *

Once again, Kendall is a ball of nerves. If he messes this up, all will be lost—James, chances to go to State, possibly his entire hockey career. Logan thinks it's ridiculous that Kendall is pinning all of his hopes on one person, but Kendall will not be dissuaded—he knows that without James, there ___is_ no hope. Once all four of the boys team up on the ice, there will be no stopping them.

So today is crucial. After a week of rehearsals for the play, the director suggested that James and Kendall put in some extra time together to get the parts down perfectly. Kendall was ecstatic, and James surprised him by readily agreeing and inviting Kendall over to his house on Saturday afternoon.

Logan was not thrilled with this turn of events, but Carlos had a stroke of genius and challenged him to a gaming tournament. One thing about Logan-he can never turn down a direct challenge, especially from Carlos. Carlos took full advantage of this, freeing up Kendall for the afternoon.

Mrs. Knight lets out a low whistle when she pulls up in front of the Diamond home. "Wow. I didn't know your friend was rich."

"Yeah. I didn't, either." The house could almost be called a mansion, and Kendall is even more intimidated now.

"Go on, sweetie. I'll be back in a few hours." Mrs. Knight leans over to kiss Kendall on the forehead. "Go on, he's not going to bite." She gives him a light shove.

"Okay, okay." Kendall takes a deep breath before jumping out of the minivan. He readies himself for battle (because when has James ever made him feel welcome?) and approaches the front door, which opens as he's about to knock.

"Hey. Come on in." James steps back and Kendall takes one last look back at the safety of the minivan before stepping over the threshold.

The first thing Kendall notices is James' outfit. He's wearing faded jeans with holes in the knees along with a plain gold-colored t-shirt that makes his eyes practically glow. Where are the designer jeans and oh-so-sleek button up?

"I set us up in the dining room. The kitchen chair will work as your throne."

Kendall follows him through a couple of rooms that might actually be called parlors and then into a large dining room. "Are your parents home?"

"No. Dad's on a business trip and mom's working all day. Only child. Want something to drink? We have soda, juice, water, whatever." James lifts Kendall's backpack from him and sets it on the table.

"Uh...sure. Coke or whatever." The two minutes it takes James to get the drinks give Kendall time to collect himself. He is alone with James. James is dressed like a normal teenage boy. James is also being ___nice_, which Kendall doesn't quite know how to handle. Maybe this will be easier than he imagined.

"So what's up with you and Logan?"

Kendall spins around and sits down at the table where James has set down his glass of soda, then watches while James takes a seat across from him. "We're just friends," he blurts.

The amused expression from James makes Kendall blush. "I figured that. I was talking like...do you guys live together or what?"

"Oh. Yeah. His mom died when we were five, and he's lived with us since then. Our moms were best friends."

"So, you're like brothers."

"Yeah. We're tight."

James nods slowly. "So why does he hate me so much?"

"Why would you say that?"

"I catch him glaring at me sometimes in science."

Kendall chokes slightly on his Coke. "You're in his science class? He never told me that."

James shrugs. "Probably because he hates me."

"He's used to it being the two of us. He was like that with Carlos in the beginning, too."

"How long have you known Carlos?"

"A couple years. We met him right before junior high. Got him on the hockey team. He practically lives with us now." Kendall grins, picturing Logan and Carlos battling it out right now.

"So is that what you do? You find guys and drag them onto the team? Assimilate them like the Borg?" James is chuckling as he says this, so Kendall doesn't allow himself to get riled. Plus, James is a Trekkie?

"Carlos is more than just a team member. He's my friend. We're friends first. Want to join us?" Kendall affects a deep, creepy voice. "Join us, James. Come to the Dark Side."

James has an adorable laugh. "I've told you. Hockey's not my thing."

"Yeah. But I'm not giving up yet."

"I would expect no less. Should we get started?"

"Can I use your bathroom first?"

"Sure. Follow the hallway, it's the door at the end."

Having been so focused on finding the right door, it isn't until his return trip that Kendall peeks into the few open doors he passes. A couple of guest rooms, a home gym that he would kill for, and then...

"What the fuck?"

Kendall stops and stares into a typical teenage boy's bedroom; clothes on the floor, books strewn about, a gaming system underneath the television...

...and no less than ten posters on the wall. Posters featuring ___hockey_ players. No, ___one_ hockey player, to be precise. Kendall's father stares down at him from all four walls.

"JAMES! WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Oh shit!" James comes running down the hall. "Fuck, I thought I closed my door!" The panic on his face would be funny if the situation wasn't so...___not_ funny. "Okay, look, the thing is-"

Kendall is livid. "Is this some kind of ___joke? _Are you ___mocking_ me?"

"No! No, Kendall, let me...I should have told you the truth...it's just-"

"Just _what?_ You tell me you hate hockey and then I find my dad all over your fucking room?"

"I never said I hated—wait, what?"

"You said hockey's not ___your thing_. Why would you lie about that?"

"Kendall, back up. What do you mean, your dad?"

"Oh, now you're gonna tell me you didn't know Kevin Knight's my dad, right? Don't even bother. I can't believe how phony you are!"

Not even a drama queen like James could fake the stunned look on his face. "Your dad? You ___know_ Kevin Knight?" The wheels are working in James' head, putting it all together...the same last name, the love of hockey, the determination to be on the best team out there. "Holy shit."

"How could you not know that?"

"How ___would_ I know? He never talks about his family in interviews. He never talks about anything except the team. And the game."

This is not news to Kendall, and it hurts to hear it put so bluntly.

"Kendall, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"Whatever. It's true. He doesn't care about us. But why would you lie, James?"

"I know you won't understand this, but I have an image to uphold. Hockey doesn't fit into it."

"Who cares about an image? Why do you care what other people think?"

"Because I have to. I'm going to be famous. I'm going to sing, and act, and possibly dance, and in order to make sure that happens, I have to be aware of my image at all times."

"Dude, you're what? Fourteen? Don't you think you're taking all this a bit too seriously?"

"No."

"But how can you be so sure this is what you want?"

James smiles. "Tell me, Kendall. What are you doing with your life?"

No hesitation. "I'm going to play for the Minnesota Wild."

"How can you be so sure this is what you want?"

Kendall opens his mouth to respond, and then closes it quickly. The point has been made. "So...do you skate at all?"

James spends five seconds debating, and then reaches out for Kendall's hand. "Come on."

Kendall allows himself to be pulled down the hallway, through the dining room and kitchen, and then down a long flight of stairs. "You're taking me into the basement?"

"Shut up." At the bottom James throws open a pair of thick doors and watches Kendall, his eyes sparkling with excitement at finally being able to share his secret.

"No...way."

Kendall's reaction does not disappoint James. He watches Kendall step forward slowly into the spacious basement-turned-mini-ice-rink. "Creaming your jeans yet?"

"Um...yeah!" Kendall laughs and runs to the edge of the ice. Leaning on the boards, he turns back to face James. "This is unbelievable. How could you hide this?"

"I love hockey. I play it all the time down here. But it's not a side of me that I want people to see."

"But _why?_ You're a kid, James. Kids play sports."

"Not this one. You can't be pretty when you're playing hockey."

"Oh please, James. ___You_ can be pretty doing anything. Even when you're sweating in gym, you're gorgeous."

It's a mark of how much Kendall's mind is blown that he doesn't even realize what he's said. James' heart skips a beat.

"Please. James. I'm begging you. I ___knew_ you were the one. You're what we need on the team. Please. Come try out."

"I don't really have time for sports, Kendall. Even if I wanted to."

"The practices are at five. I've been doing both. You can even ride with us to practice and my mom will bring you home. I promise, if it ever conflicts, you can choose which comes first. James, come on! Please!"

When Kendall drops to his knees and folds his hands as if begging, James has to step back.

"You want to. I can see that you want to. James, how about this? I swear to you right here and now that I will do anything and everything in my power to make you a star. I will support you, do whatever it takes—___anything_ it takes—to help you get famous. And you do the same for me. Play on my team. Help me get us to State, or maybe even Nationals. Let's make a pact, right now. You and me."

It's a long time before James answers. "Okay."

Kendall jumps up. "Okay? Really? Okay?" He pulls James into his arms and swings him around, letting out an almost-girly squeal. "YES!" Once he stops jumping up and down, he meets James' gaze. "Now. Are you any good?"

James grins. "Lace up some skates. Get your ass on the ice and prepare to be crushed."

* * *

The minivan pulls up too soon. Kendall gives James a hug because that's what he does with friends, then steps back. "Monday after rehearsal. Bring your gear."

James smiles shyly and nods.

Kendall jumps into the backseat, unable to stop grinning. "What's up, my man?" He high-fives Logan, then reaches forward to squeeze his mom's and Katie's shoulders.

"How did it go?" Mrs. Knight asks.

"Amazing," Kendall answers. He can feel Logan's eyes boring into him from across the seat.

"So...is he gonna try out?" Logan asks.

"He doesn't need to try out. He's on the team."

"What? How?"

"I called coach and told him that James is good and wants to join. I'm the captain so he trusts my judgment. Mom, you can bring him home after practice at night, right?"

"Sure, honey. That's not a problem."

"Wait, how do you know he's good, Kendall? You've never even seen him play!"

Kendall finally turns his full attention on Logan. "Dude, I have ___so much _to tell you."


	7. December 2008

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

* * *

___**Three Months Later**_

The only real fallout from James joining their clique comes from the many females who previously worshiped James. His looks are good enough to keep them around no matter what he chooses to do with his time, but it isn't the girls who are suddenly not interested anyway; it's James. He now spends every free moment with Kendall, Carlos, and Logan, and except for the mild friction between him and Logan, it's like James has always been part of the group.

Carlos treats him with a "Where have you been all my life?" attitude. Kendall and Logan accept Carlos for who he is, but they don't always ___understand_ him. James not only encourages Carlos' mania, but he is just plain ___fun _with a daredevil streak of his own___. _Who else would join Carlos in random dancing on a daily basis simply because a casual comment reminds him of a song? James is the long-lost party-loving brother that Carlos never knew he was missing.

Logan does not address James unless he has to, and never when they're alone. Kendall reiterates daily that Logan will "come around" and while James doesn't let it get to him, he's not so sure Kendall is right. They work well together on the ice, and coexist within the group, but otherwise Logan pretty much gives James the cold shoulder. When Kendall unfailingly apologizes for Logan's behavior, James brushes it off because he sees what Kendall does not.

Logan is jealous of James because Logan is in love with Kendall.

Maybe Logan hasn't quite made it far enough to realize that himself, but it's obvious to James because James knows what someone in love with Kendall looks like; he sees that every time he looks in the mirror.

He also sees that Logan and Carlos are perfect for each other. It's almost funny how there are all these feelings running around between them, and for the most part he is the only one consciously aware of them. Carlos loves Logan. Logan loves Kendall. Kendall...well, Kendall is oblivious to anything but hockey.

And James loves Kendall. It has intensified since the day he caught Kendall checking him out in the auditorium, the same day Kendall invaded his lunch table and in essence, his world. He fought it for as long as he could, knowing it would be a mistake to let himself be distracted by someone or something that could pull his focus away from the future.

Kendall wouldn't let up, though. Stubborn charming jerk with his beautiful smile and big green eyes. James was a goner the moment Kendall dropped to his knees in the basement and pleaded with him. Now there is no going back. Instead of fading over time and closer proximity, the crush has deepened.

James suspected when he was thirteen that he was gay, or at least bisexual. He told his mother and she simply nodded as if she'd expected it, and suddenly there were a lot more nights she had to work late. He told his father a week later; instead of raging at James, his father took the opposite route and began to ignore him completely. None of this was new to James, who was accustomed to being home alone for hours at a time. He just channeled his hurt into The Dream and used it as motivation.

But now it's not just him. It's ___them_. James has never been part of a ___them_ before, never even wanted to be really, but now he wonders how he ever lived alone for so long. He's on a sports team, he's part of a theatrical cast, and most importantly, he's part of a friendship. He plays hard for the team because it's fun and because it's so important to Kendall. In return, Kendall spends at least three hours each Saturday and Sunday rehearsing with him for the play; not just their scenes, but every scene James has with every character.

"Alexander" is a hit. Many aren't sure what to expect from two freshmen leads, but Kendall and James wow the crowd with their intense chemistry and when James' Hephaestion dies, even Logan can't stop the tears. James immediately tries out for the next play, but Kendall decides acting isn't for him, no matter how talented he's shown himself to be. He does, however, promise to continue to rehearse with James every weekend so that James can be at the top of his game.

Logan is increasingly mopey each weekend and Kendall knows he will have to address the situation soon, but for the time being he lets Carlos handle Logan while he fulfills his promise of helping James in every way he can.

* * *

Carlos gives Mrs. Knight a big hug before running to the bedroom. "Logan! I'm here!"

Logan looks up from his bed, where he's been staring out the window. "Yeah, I saw you."

With an exasperated sigh, Carlos drops his duffel bag on Kendall's bed. "Here we go again."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Come on, Logan, don't do this. I came over here to have fun. You always get like this on the weekends."

"Like what?"

"Like _that._" Carlos gestures toward Logan, who is still in his pajamas at noon. "Dude, you do this every time Kendall goes over to James' house."

"Well, why can't they stay here?"

"Maybe because you're a jerk to James. I wouldn't stay here, either."

"James should at least invite us over, too. We could all practice on his rink."

"Kendall doesn't go over there for practice, Logan. They're working on his acting."

Logan spits out a disbelieving sound and rolls his eyes.

"Dude, why do you hate James so much?"

"He's annoying."

"So am I, and you don't hate me."

"You're not annoying, just...you know. ___You_. Besides, he totally lied to Kendall."

"You know why, Logan."

"Oh, please. 'My name is James and I can't let anybody know I have a masculine side because I want to be famous.' That doesn't even make sense. There are tons of manly actors out there."

"But James isn't manly, and he knows it. He told me that he knows what his strengths are and he plays into them."

"So he's gonna go around acting metrosexual? What does that prove?"

"I don't know, but it sure does get him noticed, doesn't it?"

Logan refuses to answer.

Carlos takes a seat on Kendall's bed, across from Logan. "Tell me why James is annoying."

"Because whenever he's around, Kendall-"

"No, Logan. Without mentioning Kendall. How is James annoying?"

Logan shoots him a mutinous expression.

"That's what I thought. James is cool, dude. He's fun! Why won't you give him a chance?"

"He doesn't need me. He's got a million girls around him all the time-"

"Not anymore."

"That's ___his_ problem. And who chooses to hang out with us when he could be hanging out with all those girls?"

Carlos chuckles. "Both of us would. You just don't like that Kendall likes him so much."

"Stop analyzing me, Carlos."

"You have to face this, Logan. What are you gonna do when Kendall gets a girlfriend? He'll ___never_ be around then."

Silence.

"It's gonna happen. I've seen the way those girls look at him."

Logan's eyes narrow. "What girls?"

"The girls always trying to talk to James. They think Kendall's hot. I can tell."

"So? Kendall doesn't care about anything except hockey. He's oblivious to those girls."

"For now."

"You know what? Shut up. I don't even want to talk about this."

"Logan, come on." Carlos moves over to sit next to Logan, who scoots away. "James already told me we can all go hang out at his house over the summer, so we can practice. But if you don't start being nicer to him, he might change his mind. And then it'll just be Kendall over there. All the time. ___Not_ just on the weekends."

"James doesn't need me; he's got thousands of friends."

"You don't even know what it's like for him, do you? He doesn't have friends. Just ___us_, Logan. You and me and Kendall. He's alone all the time, did you know that? His parents are always working. They don't pay attention to him. Can you imagine what that's like?"

"Kind of. My mom used to work all the time, too. I remember that much."

"Okay, but you had Kendall and his mom. You had a family. James doesn't have anybody. Except now he has us. Well, he has me and Kendall."

"Carlos..."

"What?"

"I hate it when you make sense. Can't you just let me mope?"

"No. Because it's like I'm alone, too. You haven't been a good friend since James started hanging out with us. Even when you're here, you're not ___here_. And I'm tired of it. I'm gonna stop coming over to spend the weekend with you."

"You are not."

"Yeah, I am. I'll leave right now." Carlos stands up and reaches for his stuff.

Logan grabs his hand and pulls him back down. "Oh, shut up. You're not going anywhere." He falls back onto the bed, dragging down Carlos with him. "I think he likes James more than me," he says in a very tiny voice.

Carlos struggles with his next words; he has to do this right. "I think he likes James...different. Because James ___is_ different. He likes you a certain way, me a certain way, and James a certain way. We're all different. But I know Kendall loves you like a brother and he's always here for us. If we ever needed him, he'd be here. Right?"

"I guess."

"You___know_. And if you treat James better, we'll be included in more stuff with them."

"Think so?"

"Yeah. James thinks you're really smart. He wants you to like him."

"He said that?"

"Yep."

Logan is quiet for over a minute. "Do you think maybe we can just stay here for a little while? I need to uh...face some things. And I don't want to do it alone."

"You got it, dude." And for once, Carlos is still. He snuggles up to Logan, who has a magical calming effect on him, and enjoys the peace of being close to his best friend.

* * *

Kendall is watching James rehearse, listening to his delivery, and somehow it's just ___off_. "James, stop."

"What?" James crosses his arms defensively over his chest, knowing what's coming.

"What's wrong? Something's on your mind and it's distracting you."

"It's embarrassing."

"Dude, it's me. You can tell me anything. Come sit down." Kendall seats himself on James' bed and scoots over to make room for James to join him.

James considers protesting, but then remembers that Kendall doesn't back down ___ever,_ so he finally gives in and settles himself next to his best friend.

"What is it? Did Logan say something?"

"Logan? No. It has nothing to do with him. Or you. It's me."

Kendall rarely sees the shy side of James; his curiosity is piqued. "Is it your parents?"

"No. No, Kendall, it's...the play."

This is unexpected. "You have a problem with the play?"

"With this scene."

Kendall considers the scene. "Because it's a love scene? You don't have any problems with that, you've been nailing your lines all week." They have rehearsed it over and over with Kendall reading the female character's lines.

"Yeah, but tomorrow we're doing it at rehearsal. I haven't done it with anyone else, just you."

"So?" Wow, James is really red now. "Dude, out with it. What's the problem?"

James stands up and starts to pace. "I have to kiss her tomorrow. The big kissing scene? We're doing that tomorrow."

"Ohhhhhh. Are you nervous about kissing Mandy? Because she's pretty."

"Yeah, I know she is. Thanks for reminding me so I can be even more nervous. But I've never...you know. Kissed anyone." James is refusing to meet Kendall's gaze.

"Ah. Okay. I get it."

Kendall stares at James for a moment, the wheels in motion and James knows that look—Kendall is coming up with a plan. He can't help but be a little apprehensive, but if it helps him get over the nerves, he'll try anything.

Kendall stands up and stretches, works out some kinks, and then holds out his hands to James. "Come on, let's do this."

James stops dead and stares. "Do what?"

"Let's get this kissing thing done so you can get back to focusing on the scene."

___Oh my God, you can't be serious, Kendall. My heart can't take this, stop it right now. _"You want me to...kiss you?"

"I ___want_ you to get past this. I'm sure you'd rather your first kiss was with a girl, and I gotta tell you I never imagined mine would be with a guy, but I promised to do whatever it takes. You need to get over this."

James swallows hard. "You've never been kissed?"

"Nope. Don't ruin my rep, though, okay?" Kendall grins because they both know he has no rep. "Now come on. Let's make sure you know how to kiss so you don't embarrass yourself tomorrow."

It takes all of James' strength to keep him standing. "You're serious."

"I am."

Kendall steps up to James and places large hands lightly on James' shoulders, and then James sees it in his eyes; Kendall is absolutely determined, but also terrified. "No." James steps back and shakes his head.

"Don't get all weird about this, dude. We're not gonna tell anybody. This is just so you won't be freaking out tomorrow." Kendall steps up to James again.

James backs up further. "Kendall, no. You don't want to kiss me."

"This isn't about wanting, James, this is for your dream. Do you really want to go in there tomorrow and make a fool of yourself? You can't be afraid of love scenes your whole life." Kendall steps closer and grabs James by the shoulders again.

___My heart is going to fucking explode right out of my chest. _"Kendall, stop."

"Kiss me, James." Forward.

"No." A step back.

"___Kiss me_, James." Forward.

_"No."_ A step back and now James is against the wall, his entire body quaking.

"Kiss me, James!" Kendall is yelling now, goading him.

"NO!"

"Don't be a chickenshit!"

"Shut up, asshole!"

"Just kiss me already!"

"Fuck off!"

"Quit being a pansy and kiss me!"

"Kendall, I swear to God I'm going to deck you-"

"KISS ME!"

"NO!"

"KISS ME!"

"FINE!"

James launches himself forward until he's crashing into Kendall, and it isn't the smoothest of kisses but at least their lips manage to find each other in all the aggression, and then Kendall's fingers are fisted in James' hair and ___tugging_, and James' hands twist in Kendall's shirt to pull him closer, closer, God he can't get close enough to Kendall.

What he realizes first is that Kendall Knight ___knows_ how to kiss. Maybe he was lying, or maybe he's just a show-off, but who really cares? Kendall's tongue is in his mouth and their teeth are bumping together and ___Oh fuck, Kendall, please don't ever stop kissing me._ James is pressed up against the wall and it seems as if Kendall is having the same "can't get close enough" problem that James is because ___What is he trying to do, fuck me into the wall?_ Sounds like a fantastic idea to James. Kendall is bending James' head down at a weird angle to get even deeper into his mouth; James obliges and moves his hands down to lift Kendall against him, and has there ever been a more perfect fit in history? ___FUCK THIS IS HOT I'M GONNA EXPLODE KENDALL DON'T STOP KISSING ME BECAUSE THEN WE HAVE TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND TALK ABOUT THIS AND HOLY FUCK IS HE SUCKING ON MY LIP?_

It's too much then and James has no choice but to push Kendall away or risk embarrassing himself in front of the one person he cares about more than himself; more than The Dream, even. They face each other across the few feet separating them, chests heaving and faces red as they try to calm down. James is trembling and wonders if Kendall feels anything remotely close to the euphoria he is experiencing. When Kendall reaches up to brush his own slightly damp bangs aside, James does a little happy dance inside because Kendall's hand is shaking.

___It's not just me. Thank you, God._

"Well then. All better?"

James nods slowly.

"You good for tomorrow?"

"Uh huh." Still panting but the breaths are coming easier now.

"Okay. I think we're good." Kendall licks his lips before taking a long, shaky breath and letting it out. "Let's get back to the scene."

"Right." His head is spinning but the thoughts have never been more clear, and James picks up the scene from the beginning as if that entire volcano did not erupt between them. Kendall recites "his" lines and they fall back into the easy chemistry they have shared from the start, and when it's time for the kiss, there is no hesitation. James pulls Kendall into his arms and kisses him soundly. Kendall returns the kiss as his character is supposed to, and the scene ends.

They do, however, practice that scene more than any other.


	8. Freshman & Sophomore Year

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

* * *

This is the kind of day James lives for. They killed the opposing team in this morning's championship game. Mrs. Knight then treated the boys to celebratory pizza followed by a surprise trip to the movies. Now it's time to settle down and focus—Carlos and Logan are working on Carlos' science project at home while James and Kendall are at James' house, supposedly perfecting James' pirate walk for the current musical.

The problem is that they can't stop talking about the movie, especially Megan Fox. All four boys agree that she's the hottest thing to come along in ___forever._

"I'm gonna marry her," Kendall sighs, ignoring the script laying in front of him on the table and the fact that they're supposed to be studying it.

"Keep dreaming, Romeo. She'd never even give you the time of day." James lifts a glass of lemonade to his lips, not adding that it would be her loss.

"She might. If I was older. I'm good-looking." Kendall pauses. "Right?"

James nods, grinning. "Yes, Kendall, you're gorgeous. And I ___know _pretty, so you can trust me."

"Am I really pretty?" Kendall is suffering a rare moment of insecurity about himself.

"Maybe 'pretty' isn't the right word. 'Handsome' or 'gorgeous' is more you. Even 'hot.'" James leans back in his chair. "___I'm_ pretty."

"Okay, so if a nerdy-looking guy like Shia LaBeouf can get her, then I'd have no problem."

"Maybe." James shrugs. "You'd have to lay on the charm. What would you even say to her?"

"How about...'Hi, I'm Kendall'?"

"Nope." James shakes his head. "Too boring. You need to wow her."

"Okay." Kendall sighs, giving it some thought, then shoots James a sexy face. "Want to see me shoot my puck into your net, baby?"

James snorts with laughter, kicking at the floor. "Oh my God, that's so bad. Horrible!"

When they manage to stop giggling, James reaches out for Kendall's hand and pulls him up. "Come on, let's practice this. We can't have you saying stupid shit like that to Megan Fox if you happen to meet her." He positions Kendall near a chair and then seats himself in it. "Okay, I'm Megan. I'm sitting by myself, eating dinner. You're older and looking like your hot self. Go."

Kendall thinks for a few seconds, then clears his throat. "Excuse me. Megan? Miss Fox?"

James/Megan looks up. "Yes?"

"Hi. My name is Kendall and I'm a huge fan. I just saw ___Transformers_ today and you were amazing."

"Aww, thank you Kendall! That's a pretty name."

"Yeah, my mom liked it even though some people say it's a girl's name."

"It suits you. Have you had dinner? Would you care to join me?" James is having way too much fun with this. It's like rehearsing for a play, except they make it up as they go.

"Uh...yeah! I mean, no I haven't had dinner." Kendall takes the chair next to James. "Are you in town for a movie?"

"No, I have family here. I'm supposed to meet my cousins for breakfast at some place called Riley's, have you heard of it?"

"Riley's, yeah! It's a few blocks from my house."

"Cool, can you show me?"

"Sure! Want to go right now?"

"Don't you want to eat first?"

"Nah, I can eat at home. In fact, let me pay for your dinner."

"Kendall, that's so sweet! You don't have to."

"I insist, Miss Fox."

James grins. "There! Now ___that's_ how you impress a girl."

Kendall nods, proud of himself. "That was fun."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Want to continue?"

"Sure. Walking Megan to her hotel?"

"Okay." James stands up.

Kendall joins him and takes his hand as they walk slowly down the hall.

James is once again in acting mode. "Thanks again, Kendall. I would've been lost."

"No need to be lost while I'm here. Are you cold?"

"A little."

Kendall wraps an arm around James' shoulders and James snuggles in closer. "This is nice. I'm glad you found me."

"Me, too. If you have any free time, we should hang out."

"I'd like that." James turns his face in toward Kendall, and Kendall meets him halfway. Their kiss is softer, sweeter than that first tumultuous meeting of lips. James sighs against Kendall before turning his body inward, and once again Kendall's moves are in sync with his. In each others' arms they deepen the kiss. Kendall teases open James' lips and before too long they are panting into each others' mouths.

Kendall rips his lips away to kiss along James' jawline and up toward his left ear. When he starts to nibble and tug, James' breath catches in his throat. Kendall's name slips out in a rush but it's okay because Kendall is being himself; James is the one playing a part.

"So beautiful," Kendall murmurs against his ear. Something in Kendall's tone flips a switch in James' brain and just like that, his control snaps. He presses Kendall back against the wall, turning the tables so that he is the aggressor. His lips travel down Kendall's throat and suction over Kendall's collarbone, evoking a tortured moan from Kendall that causes James' cock to twitch violently.

___Need more skin. _Kendall's shirt is the enemy and needs to be vanquished. James steps back enough to lift the fabric up and over. Kendall raises his arms to help, and the second he's free he dives in again to capture James' lips with his own. James' hands glide up and down over arms, stomach, back, neck, hair, whatever he can touch of Kendall. And still it's not enough.

He's so hard that he's actually ___aching_. Kendall's lips are on ___his_ collarbone now, sucking and biting and is that going to leave a mark? ___God, I hope so_. ___Mark me, Kendall._ He lifts Kendall's hips and pulls him close, again matching their bodies up perfectly, and ___yes_. Yes, Kendall is just as hard. Kendall is fucking ___loving_ this, so much that he's alternately grunting and whimpering and grinding against James while his hands go to what is apparently their favorite place to be: James' hair; they pull and twist and it hurts but it's so fucking ___good _and James is so caught up in Kendall's ___everything _that he almost misses the next words from Kendall.

"Fuck, Megan. So hot."

___Megan._

Oh. Wow. That hurts. More than James can even bear to think about right now. So he decides not to think about it because Kendall is kissing him and sucking on his skin and rubbing up on him and nothing else really matters right now except making it last. "Yes, Kendall. ___Yes_."

He's so lost in the sensations that when Kendall lifts his head and freezes, it takes him a moment to realize something's wrong.

"What's that?"

"What's what?" And then James hears it; a car door slamming and the sound of a garage door closing. "Fuck," he mutters. "My mom."

"Shit." Kendall reaches down for his shirt and then they run to James' bedroom, closing the door behind them as Kendall tugs the shirt over his head. They share a long look that says everything and nothing, and then both of them are giggling so hard they can barely stand up.

* * *

The friendship between James and Kendall does not change much outwardly; the only difference is that now Kendall spends the entire weekend at James' house rather than a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. His mom drops him off Friday evening and does not pick him up until Sunday afternoon. Kendall would have expected her to complain about him not being home, but for some reason she doesn't; maybe it's because things are quieter when it's just Logan and Carlos.

Carlos in turn spends every weekend at the Knight house, sleeping in Kendall's bed and becoming a true member of the family. Katie welcomes him as a brother, and Logan is grateful for his presence in the too-empty room.

Behind closed doors, Kendall and James continue to make out whenever possible, but always under the guise of role play. Usually it's James who is playing a part, but occasionally Kendall does and those are the rare nights James feels the most complete because Kendall is whispering ___his_ name. Their physical interaction intensifies at such an alarming rate that after a month of weekends spent together, the foreplay of "acting" is almost non-existent but instead a catalyst to get them into bed and moving against each other. James knows that Kendall is as turned on as he is, but he's not sure how to address that issue. If he brings it out in the open, it might scare Kendall away because James fears that Kendall isn't comfortable enough with his own sexuality to even consider the possibility of being gay. So instead James keeps his mouth shut about what's going on between them and just goes with it, treasuring each caress and kiss as if it's the last. Nothing is better than being devoured by Kendall.

After two months, they hit a snag. James discovers that there is a line Kendall is not willing to cross. They are in mutual but unspoken agreement that clothing is a nuisance and must be discarded at the first possible opportunity, but boxers always stay on. James tries over and over to get past this, but when he even attempts to slip a hand inside Kendall's shorts, Kendall squirms and moves his hand away. Again, they don't discuss this, it just happens and it makes James crazy. Doesn't Kendall ___know_ how good it would feel? He can pretend James is a girl if he must, James doesn't even care about that, but for God's sake, ___let me touch you! Let me show you!_

It's a wall James cannot get over no matter how many different ways he tries, and it builds up a mounting frustration in him that slowly turns to resentment. Kendall shows no hesitation with any other activity between them; in fact, James can no longer dress down in gym because his entire neck and torso are covered with hickeys on a constant basis. He does not mind this in the slightest, and even endures the unsuspecting ribbing from the guys with a secret smile. Kendall grins at him when Carlos and Logan start the whole "Aww, is baby too shy to show off his muscles?" teasing, and that look from him each time makes James' heart almost burst. Kendall is beyond proud of his handiwork.

There are times when James is tempted to return the favor, but he is careful because if ___both_ of them suddenly have issues with undressing, it could lead to some uncomfortable questions. Sometimes James wants the world to know about him and Kendall; other times, he enjoys sharing a secret of this magnitude with his best friend and knowing that as soon as they are alone, it will begin all over again. He knows it can't last forever, so he cherishes every second while it does last.

It isn't until the following school year that James finally has a breakthrough with Kendall, and it comes about in a way he never could have expected.

* * *

___**September 2008**_

"So. Who's Sarah Fremont?"

James looks up from his plate of fish sticks and tater tots. Everyone else at the table is engrossed in Carlos, who is attempting to build a working volcano with his dinner. Even Mrs. Knight can't bring herself to scold him, but instead watches with fascination.

At their end of the table, James takes a drink of milk before answering Kendall. "A friend. You've never met her?"

"No. You've been texting her a lot, though."

Well. ___This_ is interesting. "Yeah. She's pretty cool."

"How do you know her?"

Kendall's plate is untouched, and how did James not notice before that he wasn't eating? "She's in the musical. Incredible voice."

"Are you going to the movies with her this weekend?"

"Kendall, have you been reading my text messages?" Oh my God, is Kendall ___jealous_?

"Don't avoid the issue, James."

"___Have_ you?"

"Are you going or not?"

"Why, you wanna come?" James doesn't know what is making him tease Kendall like this, but maybe it's time Kendall starts to appreciate him more. "We could double. I'm sure Jenny would go with you. Or even Heather. Oh, you know who thinks you're hot? Mandy." And yes, Kendall's face turning to stone as James speaks is awesome.

"So you're going."

James shrugs. He hasn't even considered accepting the offer, but Kendall doesn't need to know that. "I haven't decided."

"Well. I think it's a bad idea. You really need to rehearse the musical more, you're having a lot of problems with the dancing number."

Seriously? Because James could swear Kendall was complimenting his dancing the last time they rehearsed it. "I'm sure we could skip one day."

"Fine. If you want to throw away your chances of becoming famous over a ___girl_, especially after everything I've done to help you, that's your problem. Mom, can I be excused? I'm not hungry."

"Sure, honey. Do you need something? Maybe a little Pepto?"

"No, I'm fine. Just gonna go lie down."

"Okay, let me me know. We can leave for James' house after dinner. Oh, Carlos!" Mrs. Knight is suddenly distracted by the mess he has made all over the table.

Kendall glares at James. "I might stay home tonight."

James watches Kendall walk out of the room, knowing he shouldn't be happy about this, but feeling so smug he can hardly hide his grin. After a few minutes, he follows. "Kendall?"

"I really don't feel good, James. Go away."

James smiles again but forces himself to be serious. "Can I come in? Please?" He can hear the exaggerated sigh through the door.

"Fine.

He makes his way through the gloom of the darkened room until he is staring down at Kendall's prostrate form. "If you don't want me to go with Sarah, just tell me." ___Please, Kendall. Tell me._

"You don't even know her."

He tries another tactic. "Why are you going through my phone?"

"Since when do you care if I see who you're talking to? Do you have something to hide?"

"From you? Please. You know everything about me, Kendall. More than anyone else."

"So why didn't you tell me about Sarah?"

"There's nothing to tell. You think that's the first time I've been asked out on a date? Seriously?"

Kendall sits up. "There have been more?"

"Of course. Kendall, look at me. ___Look_ at me. I get asked out almost every day."

"I didn't know that."

"It doesn't matter. I've never accepted."

"How come?"

___Oh my God, this is it. We're finally going to have THE TALK._ James is terrified and elated at the same time. "Why do you think, Kendall?" He sits down next to Kendall and takes Kendall's right hand in his left, heart beating against his rib cage.

"I don't know. Because you're a moron?" But Kendall's hand tightens on his, a sign of his insecurity.

"Yeah. I must be." ___Because I'm in love with my best friend. _Only the words won't come out. James opens his mouth and...nothing. He tries twice more to say it, to say ___anything_, and...no. Nothing. His chest is tight and he can hardly breathe.

"James, you know you can't let anything get in the way, right? Of your dream? Not even girls."

"Um..." James clears his throat. "Kendall..."

"I'm serious. I know you want to date and everything, but you can't." Kendall turns to face him, hand squeezing harder. "It's just not a good idea. You can't lose your focus."

"My...focus." ___Right._ "Kendall, my focus is..." ___And what is WRONG? Why can't I just say it?_

"Your focus needs to be on you. Not Sarah. Not any other girl. Just you. And maybe hockey, too."

James laughs, he can't help it. "Always hockey."

"Right. Because hockey is important. Almost as important as you being famous. In fact, I think we need to work on your acting some more. Tonight."

"I thought you didn't feel good? And you said my dancing needs work?"

"Yeah, but it's your acting we need to focus on. Definitely acting. Let's come up with something new, something that's out of your comfort zone. I'll think about it and we'll work on it at your house tonight."

"Okay, coach." James smiles because Kendall deluding himself into thinking it's all about the acting is almost funny. ___Almost. _It would be better if Kendall would just admit that he wants to make out and that he's jealous about Sarah, but...James will take what he can get.

What he gets that night blows his mind.


	9. Sophomore Year

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

* * *

By the time Mrs. Knight drops them off, James has formed a plan of sorts. His goal is to force Kendall to admit how much he enjoys their time together—specifically the make-out sessions. The only thing that seems to bring out any obvious feelings is jealousy, so James is going to use it.

"So, did you come up with anything? Because I was thinking maybe you could be Sarah tonight."

Kendall freezes in the act of taking off his jacket. "Sarah?"

"Yeah." They've never roleplayed with people they actually know, only with celebrities. James suppresses the urge to watch Kendall closely, instead pretending like he doesn't notice Kendall's reaction.

"What's your deal with her? You said you weren't interested."

"I didn't exactly say that." James falls onto his bed to remove his clothes, starting with shoes and socks.

"Do you like her or what?"

___Oh, Kendall. You ARE jealous. God, I love you. _"I don't know."

"You want me to be Sarah. A girl I've never even met."

"It was just an idea, Kendall."

"Well, I have a better one. My name is Kendall and I'm a jealous boyfriend."

James' mouth falls open. He blinks, not sure he heard right. ___Did he just...? Did you just...? _"Um...and who am I?"

"You're you."

It's a damn good thing James is sitting down.

"You've been cheating on me and we have to talk about this. I need to make sure you know it's not okay."

James is beyond words at this point.

"Don't take off any more clothes, we're going to act this out."

___Oh, holy fuck, Kendall! What are we doing here? _James' jeans are uncomfortably tight around his crotch. "This is...we're acting?"

"I know this is weird, but we need to get you doing scenes you're not comfortable with."

James stares up at Kendall, who is towering over him and looking deliciously domineering. ___And you think I'm uncomfortable with this? Kendall, you're so precious. And so fucking clueless._ This would be a perfect time for James to interrupt, to call a halt to all the charades and just ___talk_ about this, really talk about their true feelings, but is James going to risk missing out on Kendall dominating him in the bedroom? ___No fucking way._

Yet Kendall is not stupid, and James knows this. Kendall may be in denial, but even he can't pretend that what they're doing isn't based in fact. Kendall is jealous of Sarah Fremont, who is nothing more to James than a casual acquaintance.

___Maybe he doesn't know how to say it. I tried to tell him how I feel, and I couldn't get the words out. Maybe he's having the same problem, and if this is the only way he can express his feelings..._"Let's do this."

"Are your parents going to be home anytime soon?"

"No. They're gone for the night."

"Good." James can practically feel the heat that rises in Kendall's eyes as he settles himself into the supposed role he's playing. "I'm coming home from work after finding out you've been cheating on me."

"I'm ready." James turns his back on Kendall, nerve endings alive as he faces the wall behind his bed and takes a deep breath. ___This is ridiculous. Why does he have to hide behind this acting crap? _The sound of the door opening and closing, and when James turns around again he is in character. "Hey, sexy!" James sends Kendall a wide smile and runs up to him, hugging him tight and kissing his lips once. "I missed you. How was work?"

Kendall's body is rigid inside James's arms. "Forget work. Who's Sarah Fremont?"

___Oh my GOD, Kendall. She has really gotten under your skin. _"Sarah?"

"Yes. Sarah Fremont." The name is like poison on his tongue.

James backs away slowly. The rage radiating from Kendall is too intense to be anything but real. "She's nobody. Just a friend."

"Really? Because I heard that you two are having an affair." Kendall steps toward James, who backs up two steps before coming to a halt and standing his ground.

"That's ridiculous. Who told you that?"

"It doesn't matter who. Is it true?"

"Of course not! Kendall, what's gotten into you? Don't you know how I feel about you? Can't you see it every time I look at you?" ___Fine, you want to play games? We'll do it your way, but I'm spilling. Everything._

Kendall studies James before answering. "I don't know what I see. I just know that I thought I had the most beautiful, perfect person in the world all to myself. And now? I feel like I have nothing."

___Oh, Kendall. No._ "Are you crazy?" James offers a weak smile. "I don't know how you could even think there'd be anyone else. All I ever want to do is be here with you. How can you not see that?" James approaches Kendall and lays a hand on his cheek. "I can't believe ___I'm_ having to reassure ___you_."

"Well, how am I supposed to feel when there are always girls throwing themselves at you? It drives me insane."

"It does?" ___YES!_ ___It's about time._ "Kendall. There's nobody else for me. It's always been you. I love you." Any doubts about Kendall's sincerity flee when James sees the triumph glowing in his eyes; this is what Kendall needed to hear, and he really is so stupid that he didn't get it before.

"James, you make me crazy." Kendall's hands slide around James' waist and pull him close.

"The feeling's mutual." James wraps his arms around Kendall's neck, bringing their faces together.

"Sometimes I want to lock you up and not let anyone else touch you, or even look at you, because one day somebody's gonna come along and steal you away. Everybody wants you."

"But nobody else ___has_ me. I'm yours, Kendall."

"For now." A shudder runs through Kendall's body. "I'm so afraid of losing you."

"It's never gonna happen. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise me."

"I promise."

"Tell me you love me."

James tilts his head back enough to look into Kendall's eyes. "I love you, Kendall Knight." The use of his last name is intentional, and when Kendall doesn't even flinch at it, James mentally breathes a sigh of relief.

"And you're mine."

"I'm yours."

"And will you let me prove it to you?"

"Prove it? Kendall, you don't need to prove anything. I already know I'm yours."

"No." Kendall shakes his head. "That's not what I meant." His hands move around to the front of James' pants and start working them open, his eyes focused on the job as well.

James' breath leaves him in a rush. His cock fills rapidly as Kendall unzips him, and then there's the absence of clothing. The jeans ___and boxers_ are down around his ankles, and soon after Kendall is kneeling before him.

___Oh my God oh my god oh my God! _"Kendall?"

Kendall meets his gaze and offers a shy smile. "I want you to know."

"Know what, exactly?" James bites his lip so hard he can taste blood.

"How much I love you."

And ___there_. There it is. It has taken more than a year, but finally James sees the naked truth in Kendall's eyes. For whatever reason, Kendall wasn't able to come right out and say it like a normal person, but has instead hidden behind this stupid game. None of that matters right now, though, because he has said the words and James can see that he means them. "Fuck, Kendall, this is insane." A tiny giggle escapes him before he falls to his knees in front of Kendall, and then they're kissing so hard James see stars from a lack of oxygen.

"You're mine, James," Kendall breaks away to growl.

"Yes. Yours." James tugs him close again, feeding on Kendall's skin.

"These marks right here?" Kendall presses on two of the bruises, making James cry out. "Mine. I own you."

"Uh huh." James isn't even really breathing anymore, there are just little whimpers leaving his throat.

"And I'm going to make sure you don't forget it."

Next thing James knows he's lying on his back on the floor and Kendall is ripping at his shirt, making buttons fly through the air. "Fuck, Kendall!"

"Naked, I want you ___naked_."

Having stroked himself to sleep almost every night for the past year, James thinks he should be more conditioned for endurance, but that's not the case; the tone of Kendall's voice, the fire in his eyes, the roughness of his hands, all of it combines to leave James trembling and on the edge. "Oh my God, fuck! Kendall!"

Then there is liquid heat around his cock. It's a rush of sensation that happens so fast it's all a blur but it's so good, the best thing that James has ever experienced. Wet velvet surrounds him and then Kendall's mouth becomes a vacuum, clumsy but the pressure is so intense. James buries his hands in Kendall's hair.

___Kendall Knight is blowing me._

___Kendall Knight owns me._

___Kendall Knight loves me._

"Uhhhhh...Kendall...KENDALL!"

He hears Kendall choking slightly, but Kendall must have done some studying because he swallows it down without hesitation. James licks his lips and focuses on getting air in and out of his lungs, and when Kendall crawls up to place a soft kiss on his lips, he smiles.

"Your whole body is shaking."

"Gee, I wonder why," James chuckles. "That was amazing."

"Yeah?" Kendall grins, proud of himself yet again, and kisses James until his body stops quaking.

"Mmm. Wow."

"So. Sarah Fremont?"

"Who?"

Kendall laughs hard. "That's more like it."

"You're so stupid sometimes. There's nobody else, okay?"

Kendall nods. "Okay."

"Ever."

"Promise?" There is a terror in Kendall's voice that makes James' heart crack a little.

"I promise, Kendall. Never."

James can see that Kendall is working up to something, and it kills him to wait patiently, but he does.

"I do love you, James. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it."

"You know what, Kendall? It was totally worth the wait."

* * *

The next few months are the happiest James has ever known. He has a ___boyfriend._ He belongs to Kendall. ___Kendall!_ The only true private time they have is the weekends spent at the Diamond house, but together they are sneaky enough to manage a few stolen kisses here and there when an opportunity presents itself.

A routine is established during their sophomore year; weekdays consist of early morning study sessions/breakfast at the Knight home, followed by the school day. Afterward, Carlos and Logan head to the library for more intense tutoring while James reports to rehearsals for the musical he's starring in; Kendall joins him there in the role of student director, which he never signed up for but after voicing a number of great ideas, the drama teacher recruited him for the job. Mrs. Knight, along with Katie, picks them all up and ferries them to hockey practice, then brings them home for dinner. After some time devoted to homework, she runs Carlos and James home. The boys are exhausted each night by the time they make it to bed, but they have no complaints.

As the days pass, though, James finds it harder to keep his feelings for Kendall secret. It's not that he doesn't know how to, it's simply that his own possessive streak is growing and he wants everyone to know that Kendall is taken. He knows how difficult this whole thing is for Kendall, who could hardly even bring himself to admit his feelings to James; how can James expect him to tell the world when he can barely admit it to himself? So James doesn't expect it or even push for it because the important thing is that when they're alone, Kendall makes his appreciation known through his actions. He hasn't once spoken his feelings aloud since That Night, as James refers to it in his mind, but there is no longer any roleplaying. He still isn't comfortable talking about everything, but James doesn't push him in this, either; James sees it in the way Kendall watches him, hears it when Kendall whispers his name in the dark, feels it when Kendall sucks on his shoulder hard enough to leave him sore for days. Kendall tells James in every possible way except verbally that James belongs to him, and though James would like to be able to advertise their relationship in public, he understands Kendall's reluctance and accepts it.

There is also not a repeat of the physical encounter of That Night. James reads everything he can and even sneaks gay porn on his computer just in case, preparing himself for the night Kendall decides it's time to take things to the next level. He starts trying again to get into Kendall's boxers but Kendall cockblocks him every time he gets close. It's frustrating and there are nights when he lies awake next to Kendall in silent tears, wondering what's so wrong with him that he can't be given the keys to that particular kingdom. He runs through That Night over and over again in his mind and each time he concludes that yes, Kendall ___did_ enjoy it, and yes, Kendall was ___definitely_ turned on, and ___yes_—Kendall said twice that he loves him. So why won't Kendall touch him in that way again, or at least let him return the favor?

But overall, James is content. Carlos and Logan don't know the extent of their relationship, although James thinks that Carlos suspects something is going on, and James is fine with that. He's actually relieved that it isn't Logan who might have an inkling, because Logan is finally treating him like a friend and James doesn't want anything to ruin that. And how strange is it that Logan, the ___smart_ one, the ___jealous_ one, doesn't seem to see what's right in front of his face? Or perhaps it's simply that his time and thoughts are taken up more and more by Carlos.

In fact, if it wasn't for Logan, the boys would drown because sophomore year is ___hard_. Their workload has doubled from the year before. Logan is keeping all three of them above water just enough to keep their grades up for hockey; without him, there would be no hope. He runs the morning study sessions, somehow zeroing in on what's most crucial for each of them to learn from the previous day's classes, and at night he is there to answer questions and offer suggestions about homework.

It's at one of these homework sessions that James' world comes crashing down on him.


	10. December 2009

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

The song quoted here is Miranda Cosgrove's "About You Now." I do love that song, and dancing to it with 4-year-old and a 2-year-old girls is all kinds of fun. :) I know it's a cover, but her version is what I first heard so in this story, it's her song that's playing.

A nice, looooong chapter for you guys. Please forgive me for Kendall's behavior; he's stubborn and still has some growing up to do, but this is what it takes for him to do that. In the next chapter he is much more lovable and self-aware, and he will stay that way.

* * *

"Guys, can you focus for five seconds?"

Carlos and James look up from their pencil fight, guilt etched on their faces. "Sorry, Logan," they intone.

Logan shakes his head. "I don't know how you two aren't failing your classes."

"It's all in the attitude," James shrugs. "If you act like you're a star, everyone else treats you like one. Especially teachers."

Carlos nods, his helmet bobbing slightly because it isn't fastened under his chin. "It's true, Logan. James ___knows._"

"Yeah, well, once he ___knows_ the hypotenuse of this triangle, I'll let you get back to your pencil fight. Which James was winning, by the way."

James preens. "I was, wasn't I?"

"He was not. You were ___not_, James."

Kendall breaks into the conversation. "Okay, I think that's enough homework for one night. Let's talk about something more relevant to our social lives."

"Oh, that." Logan tosses his pencil onto the table and leans back into his chair. "Yes, let's."

James and Carlos look at each other, intrigued.

"Logan and I have decided that we want to go to the Winter Dance."

Now the look they share is shock. "You guys? Since when?" Carlos asks.

"Since yesterday," Logan answers.

"And what happened yesterday?" James stares at Kendall.

Kendall shrugs. "We've never been to a school dance, and we thought it would be fun."

"Why do ___you _guys look so scared?" Logan asks. "I'm the one who should be terrified; you two can find dates in three seconds."

James glances over at Carlos and sees it on his face—Carlos ___knows_ about him and Kendall; Carlos is also about to have a stroke at the idea of Logan on a date, and James can empathize. He needs to be sure he's understanding this right. "You want us to go to the dance with girls?" he questions Kendall.

Logan snorts. "Well what do you ___want_ to do, go with a guy?"

"So what if he does, Logan? Is that a problem?"

Three pairs of wide eyes settle on Carlos, who hasn't shown this much hostility toward Logan since the day they met.

"Awkwaaaaard," Logan says with a nervous giggle.

"I'm just saying," Carlos adds in a calmer tone. "You don't need to always be bashing James."

"I wasn't bashing anybody. It was a joke."

"Still. You need to stop being such a jerk to him."

Logan stammers, "But...I didn't...when have I..." He looks to his right. "Kendall, help. He's attacking me unfairly."

"Guys, enough." Kendall sighs, not meeting James' gaze across the table.

"Why can't we go as a group?" Carlos wonders. "No dates, just the boys?"

"That's lame, Carlos. Chicks do that. Guys don't."

"It's not lame, Logan. We'd have more fun anyway."

"I was thinking about going with Mandy," Kendall offers.

James leans back in his chair, the wind knocked out of him.

"Well, that's fine for you," Carlos starts, "but no girl's gonna want to go with Logan."

"Carlos, what the hell? I'm sitting right here!"

"Please, you're afraid of girls. You won't even talk to them!"

"That's not true! I talk to Mary all the time."

"Oh, Mary Malone? Your partner in biology? Logan, come on!"

"What? She's pretty. Sort of. At least she's nice. Kind of. And she likes me. I think."

"So you're going with her?"

"I don't know! I haven't asked her yet! What's your fucking problem, Carlos?"

A voice floats to them from the kitchen, where Katie and Mrs. Knight are cleaning up. "Language, boys!"

"This is the stupidest fight we've ever had. You're ___mad_ at me because I want to go to a dance?"

Carlos looks away, lips pursed in fury.

"And you!" Logan gestures to James. "You could go with any girl you want to, why are you acting like this is the worst idea in the world?"

"I don't think it's a bad idea at all." James speaks to the table, then looks up and takes a breath. "In fact, I think it's awesome. I know just who I'm going to ask." He squeezes Carlos' shoulder as a silent thanks for the show of solidarity before pulling out his phone and flipping it open.

Kendall's eyes narrow across the table.

"Let's see...Rebecca, Rhonda, Sam...here we go. ___Sarah._"

A hand flies out and knocks James' phone out of his grip, sending it flying into the wall and crashing into pieces. James stands up. "Kendall, what the fuck?

Kendall stands as well, knocking his chair over. "You ___know _what the fuck, asshole!"

"BOYS! That's enough! Take it outside!"

Kendall makes a frustrated noise and then drags James out onto the patio with him, closing the sliding glass door.

Logan stares at Carlos with wide eyes. "What just happened here?"

Carlos answers with a shrug, his mind not on James or Kendall; he's got issues of his own to deal with.

Outside, Kendall fumes. "What's your problem?"

"___My_ problem? I'm not the one with a problem, Kendall."

"You know how I feel about her."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed that since you were going to ask Mandy to the dance, it was a FREE FOR ALL!"

"Well, we can't go with each ___other_, James! Don't be an idiot!"

"___You're_ the idiot! Why ___can't_ we go together?"

"Are you listening to yourself?"

"Are ___you_?"

"James, focus here! You have an image to uphold, remember?"

"Fuck my image! You think I've cared about that for one second since we became friends?"

"Maybe you should."

"I can't believe this. ___You're_ telling ___me_ to hide behind an image? You hate phony people!"

"You're being overly dramatic. This is not a big deal. It's just a dance. A few hours with a girl."

"Right. No big deal. So then I'll just go with Sarah."

"NO!" Kendall grabs James by his shirt and shakes him. "I'll kill her if she touches you, I swear to God I will."

James shoves him away. "You fucking hypocrite. You want me? Then take me. Have me. But quit hiding it like a coward. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of pretending I don't care when all I want to do is push you up against a wall and fuck you until you're begging me to never stop."

"I'm not gay," Kendall spits.

"Wha..." Hysterical laughter bubbles out of James. "No? Well, guess what? ___I am._ And I'm not ashamed of it. So fuck you and your precious masculinity." James turns toward the house.

"James, stop. You can go with a girl, just not ___her_."

He spins around, closes his eyes and fights for control of his emotions. "You're missing the entire point of this argument. I don't _want_ to go with a girl. I want to go with you. Come on, Kendall. Once, just ___once_, be with me. Be ___my_ date, forget Mandy and just take a chance. Please."

"I can't."

"Then you'll never be happy."

"No, I mean...it's too late. I already asked her. Yesterday."

It's like a hail of bullets to his stomach. "Unbelievable," James whispers, the tears finally crowding in. "I can't even...I'm done with this. I'm done with you." This time he gets all the way to the glass door before Kendall speaks.

"You promised. You promised you would never leave me. You said you loved me." Kendall is choking on the words, and James can't even take any satisfaction in the knowledge that Kendall is crying over him because when Kendall hurts, it kills him as well.

"I remember that night, Kendall." James looks back over his shoulder, tears dripping from his chin, but his voice is strong. "As I recall, we were ___acting_. And you're a pro. When you're ready to do this for real, you know where to find me."

* * *

The two weeks leading up to the dance are a series of awkward silences and strained conversations. Kendall tries a few times to break through James' wall, but he is answered with icy glares and an even colder shoulder until finally James responds with "Are you ready? No? Didn't think so." After that Kendall pretty much gives up, at a loss. It's the first thing besides his father that Kendall has ever wanted badly and not been able to get.

The break gives James an opportunity to rethink his priorities. Sometime over the past year and a half, The Dream faded into the background. He knows it's due to Kendall's presence in his life; it seems that when Kendall's around, nothing else matters. This would be fine if their relationship was going somewhere. For a while it seemed to be, and James believed Kendall was coming to terms with his feelings, taking his time but that was okay, too. Now he knows that Kendall's feelings for him aren't nearly at the level James needs them to be, and it devastates him. ___He wants to own me, but not be my boyfriend. This would be so much easier if I didn't care, if I could just stop loving him. I have to get over this, get over him. Focus, James. Back to the plan, back to The Dream._

James doesn't run back to his fangirls, but does revert to his old self in other ways. The lucky comb, which disappeared at some point, makes a surprise reappearance the day after their fight, and his IQ seems to drop in a matter of hours—a new development but one that gets him more attention. His conversations with Carlos and Logan center on becoming famous and how he's thinking maybe acting isn't for him; he's been writing songs and perhaps singing should be his main focus. Logan finds that James doesn't annoy him nearly as much when he and Kendall aren't speaking and ___especially_ when he isn't a threat in the intelligence department. Carlos is a little distant with Kendall, but otherwise he stays out of the fight. The routine continues as it always has, with the exception of the weekend; Kendall stays home for once.

Logan isn't sure what's going on at all. Carlos is still miffed at him but won't talk about it; James and Kendall are only speaking when absolutely necessary and neither will discuss their fight with him. James is more brutal than ever during hockey practices, once checking Kendall so hard the coach calls a time out. "Sorry, Coach. Guess my stick has a mind of its own." This elicits chuckles from everyone except Kendall, who is doubled over clutching his stomach, and Logan, who is comforting Kendall in between glares in James' direction.

It isn't until the night before the dance that James and Carlos decide to attend, though without dates. They have a blast getting ready together at James' house. James helps Carlos get spiffed up, and the reactions from Kendall and Logan make them grin at each other in the backseat of the minivan. "Dude, the dance is casual," Logan remarks, and Carlos answers, "It's never a bad idea to look good." James is so proud he tears up.

Mary and Mandy meet them at the dance, and from that point on Logan and Kendall are monopolized. James is approached by ten girls in the first five minutes, but he turns down each offer to dance, choosing instead to sit at a table with Carlos. They amuse themselves by drinking punch, snacking on cookies, and criticizing everyone's fashion choices, each of them trying not to watch their boys dancing with someone else.

"I don't even know why I'm here," James admits after an hour.

"If we were sitting at home, it would be worse."

"Maybe." He glances at Kendall and Mandy, who are dancing together to a slow song. "Maybe not."

"How can Logan be so stupid? He's so smart, but so stupid!" Carlos crumbles a cookie between his fingers. "At least Kendall isn't blind like that."

"A lot of good it's done me. Hey, you know what? Tina's been checking you out all night. You should go dance with her."

"Tina?"

"The girl in the mauve dress. Over there."

Carlos searches her out, but then shakes his head. "I can't. It wouldn't feel right."

"Jealousy works wonders, Carlos. I speak from experience."

"Yeah, right. Logan probably wouldn't even notice. So stupid!" After a pause, "Is that what the whole Sarah thing was about? Jealousy?"

James nods slowly. "Yeah. Kendall's stupid, too. And he's so easy to manipulate."

"For you, maybe. He doesn't listen to anybody else."

"He doesn't listen to me when it matters most."

"Neither does Logan. He's so stupid! 'What do you want to do, go with a _guy?_'"

Carlos does Logan pretty well, leaving James snickering. "Stupid boys."

"Yeah. You should go dance with Sarah. She's already asked you twice, and Kendall would go crazy."

For one second, James considers it. "Nah. It's not fun anymore. It doesn't get me anywhere."

A voice floats to them. "What's ___with_ you guys?"

James and Carlos look up to see Logan approaching, punch in hand. He gulps down half the cup before speaking again. "This is a ___dance_, time to party. You guys love parties. Why are you just sitting here?"

Carlos shrugs. "Great cookies?"

James laughs and fistbumps him.

"James, I have seen girl after girl come over here. I know they're not asking Carlos to dance, so what's the deal?"

"The ___deal_ is that if you insult Carlos like that one more time, my fist will meet your face. Some of those girls did ask Carlos to dance, and if you'd get your head out of those books once in a while, you'd notice that he's ___not_ a loser and that girls talk to him all the time."

Carlos' chest swells. None of the girls asked him to dance, but he isn't about to admit that to Logan.

"Okay, I'm tired of this. I don't know what's going on with you guys, but I'm done trying to play nice. You're being an ass to Kendall, and you don't even care that he misses you."

Carlos interrupts. "Stay out of it, Logan. You don't understand."

"Oh, but you do! Because James tells you ___everything_. You guys are ___best buds_. I'm just the one who spends every day of my life taking care of you."

"I never asked you to, Logan. That was Kendall. ___Your_ best bud. Why don't you go cry to him?"

"Why don't you go fuck yourself?"

"Hey, whoa!" Kendall has come up just in time to hear Logan, who only seems to resort to curse words when arguing with Carlos. "This isn't the time or place, guys. We're supposed to be having fun."

"Um, James?"

All four boys look toward the dance floor, where Sarah Fremont has suddenly appeared.

"I just wondered if...you know. Maybe you want to dance now?"

Kendall takes two steps toward her before Carlos and James are able to hop the table and block him.

"No, sweetie, now isn't a good time. But thanks. Maybe later."

Sarah sighs and returns to her friends.

"You guys are all flipping out on me. I'm gonna go dance some more." Logan takes off to join up with Mary.

Kendall frees himself from James and Carlos. "I wasn't gonna do anything."

"Oh, so I can go dance with her?" Kendall's expression is answer enough, and James nods. "That's what I thought. Go back to your ___date_, Kendall."

"I'm tired of dancing. I think I'll stay."

"Suit yourself."

The three boys seat themselves around the table. After a few minutes of silence, Carlos can take it no more. "I'm gonna go get some more punch."

James watches Carlos walk away. "Your date's gonna be mad that you're ignoring her, Kendall."

"Let me worry about Mandy."

"Fine." James sits with his arms crossed over his chest, looking everywhere but at Kendall, and when the tension becomes too much he stands up. "I'm gonna go dance."

"You're what?"

James doesn't answer. He makes his way over to a group of whispering girls and steps up behind Sarah. The eyes of her friends all widen when he taps her on the shoulder. She spins around and James has a moment where he almost changes his mind because she looks so enamored, and it's really not fair to use her as an instrument of war, but when he hears Kendall calling his name in a threatening manner, the game is on. "Would you like to dance, Sarah?"

"I'd love to!" She throws an OMG look toward her friends before letting James lead her out onto the floor.

He feels Kendall's eyes shooting daggers at the back of his head.

___Maybe I'm wrong, you decide  
I should've been strong_  
___Yeah, I lied_  
___Nobody gets me like you_

"I love this song!" Sarah yells over the music. "Have you heard it before?"

James shakes his head, about to respond when Kendall enters his line of vision from behind Sarah. He gently grabs her arms to spin them around so that his back is to Kendall again.

___Couldn't keep hold of you then_  
___How could I know what you meant_  
___There was nothing to compare to_

"It's catchy," James comments, and there Kendall is again. Standing at the edge of the dance floor, and what is he doing, talking to himself?

___There's a mountain between us_  
___But there's one thing I'm sure of_  
___That I know how I feel about you_

___Oh my God, he's singing, _James thinks___. And staring right at me and how does nobody else notice this?_

___Can we bring yesterday back around_  
___Cause I know how I feel about you now_  
___I was dumb, I was wrong_  
___I let you down_  
___But I know how I feel about you now_

"Interesting lyrics," James says.

Sarah nods. "It's about a person who acted stupid and wishes for another chance with someone."

___All that it takes, one more chance  
Don't let our last kiss be our last_  
___I'm out of my mind just to show you_

James' heart melts as Kendall continues to mouth the words at him. ___Oh, Kendall. You stupid idiot._

___I know everything changes  
I don't care where it takes us_  
___Cause I know how I feel about you_

___Cause I know you're the one  
And I can't be without you  
_  
___Ah, Kendall._ "Hey, I gotta go. I'm sorry. But this was fun."

James leaves Sarah abruptly and feels bad about it for two seconds, but then Kendall is rushing toward him and everything else disappears from his thoughts.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to apologize."

"You're an idiot."

"I know. Still love me?"

James wants so desperately to fight it because there's much that needs to be said, but it's a losing battle. He closes the distance and whispers in Kendall's ear. "Always."

Kendall's hands reach up to grip James' shoulders, fingers digging into the muscle. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are. But you're still an idiot."

"Please don't touch her again. Ever."

"Jealous?"

"As if you didn't know."

"You know what to do about it."

Kendall stares into his eyes in a way that makes it hard for him to breathe. The air is heavy with two weeks of built-up sexual tension. "You want to get out of here?" Kendall asks.

"What about your date?"

"I'm not feeling well. She'll understand. Let me go tell her I'm leaving."

James' eyes follow Kendall without cease until he returns.

"I told Logan to call Mom."

James nods, following Kendall in silence. They collect Logan and Carlos, who seem to have reached some sort of understanding, then head outside to wait for Mrs. Knight. Kendall positions James in front of him, keeping him close with a hand on his shoulder, and James can feel his arousal like a rock pressing into him from behind. He presses back and hears Kendall groan softly against his hair, then lets his head fall back onto Kendall's shoulder.

"Logan, come help me climb this tree."

"What? Why would you want to climb a tree in the dark? You don't even have your helmet!"

"Just help me!" Carlos drags Logan away.

James smiles softly. ___Good old Carlos. _Kendall's lips fasten onto his neck, teeth scraping the sensitive skin. "Oh God, Kendall." ___Fuck it. I can't resist him._ James can't keep his eyes open or his mouth closed as he fights for oxygen; his entire body is on fire. "Missed you."

"Mmm. Hickeys have disappeared, haven't they?"

"Just about."

"Gonna have to fix that."

James shivers in the dark, pressing back more until Kendall is trapped between him and the building. He starts to grind in a slow rhythm.

"Fuck, James!"

James loves that Kendall is having a hard time breathing. "You like that?"

"Uh...mmm...James, you're gonna make me come!" Kendall hisses in his ear.

James grins evilly. "I'm hoping."

"Ah!"

"Shhhhh."

Kendall clamps down on James' neck again to stifle his moans. James increases the friction, desperate to make Kendall fall apart. In all the time they've spent in James' bed, not once has Kendall lost control enough to come; he's always managed to stop before getting to that point. James has come once in front of Kendall, during the epic blowjob of That Night, though after Kendall falls asleep he usually runs to the bathroom to release the tension.

___Just once_, he thinks. ___Just once, if I can make you come, maybe you'll let down your guard._

This isn't what James has fantasized as their perfect make-out time or place. They're in public, though somewhat shielded in the dark. Carlos and Logan are within hearing distance, and should Kendall cry out, Logan will certainly come running. But at this point James isn't going to stop; Kendall is too close.

His breathing becomes ragged and James smiles. ___Yes, babe. Almost there. Let it go._

"James!" It's a hot whisper in his ear that makes him whimper as well. "Don't stop!"

"Wasn't planning to," he murmurs. He can actually hear Kendall's fingers scrabbling against the wall, searching for something to grab onto. He reaches back and takes Kendall's hands in his, locking their fingers together and glorying in the painful pressure of Kendall's grip.

"So sorry, love you, so hot, James."

Kendall always babbles when he's close. It's one of the things James loves most about him, except for the fact that James never gets to hear the final outcome. "It's okay. Just come, baby."

"Ohhhh." Kendall's thrashing stops along with the harsh breaths in James' ear. A keening whine bubbles up from Kendall's throat, causing James to fight for control himself. One of them has to remain vigilant.

"Jamie, what did you do, oh my ___God._"

"Calm down, sexy. I got you." James turns around and kisses Kendall before he can start freaking out, drawing it into a long battle of tongues.

"Jesus. We have to do that again."

___Yes!_ "Maybe later?"

"If I can wait that long. Where's Mom? I need to get you ___home_."

A honk has James spinning around suddenly.

"Guys, come on! Mama K's here!"

They rush to the van, Kendall squeezing in next to James so that he's practically sitting on top of him. "Hey, Mom."

"Hi there. Have a good time?"

"Yeah. I can go to James' house, right?"

Mrs. Knight meets Kendall's eyes in the rearview mirror, looking at him for a long time without answering. James catches it and his heart stops. ___Did she see us kissing?_

"Yes, Kendall. You can go. But...be careful. Please, honey."

___Oh shit. She did._

Logan tosses Kendall a look from the front seat. "So you guys are friends again?"

"We made up." Kendall grins at James before asking Logan, "You guys?"

Carlos answers from behind him. "I informed Logan that he's a moron. He disagrees."

Logan shoots a bitch face over James' shoulder. "But ___yes_, we're friends again. As long as Carlos quits calling me a moron."

"Sure thing, moron."

"Love you, jerkoff."

"Love you more, asshole."

"BOYS! Enough!"

___Oh yeah. Things are back to normal again. _James settles in against Kendall with a smile.

* * *

James barely gets the front door closed before being attacked by Kendall. It's like Kendall is a wild animal who's been chained up and starved, and James is the meat suddenly thrown into his cage. Clothing is discarded and then they're on the floor of the foyer, desperate to get closer to each other.

"Shouldn't we take this to my room?" James manages.

"Nope. Parents?"

"New York."

"Excellent."

Kendall spends over an hour branding James' skin, rebuilding the artwork of bruises that have faded almost completely. This time he expands his canvas to include James' thighs and hipbones. The attention below the waist morphs into another fantastic blowjob that leaves James weak, but ___so_ eager to return the favor.

"I need a shower," Kendall warns when he notices the direction of James' stare.

"Hey, want to take a bath? My parents have that big whirlpool tub."

"Nice."

It's a long, lazy bath filled with caresses and kisses. Mutual handjobs are sure to become a favorite pastime of theirs, and James decides that watching Kendall's face when he comes is absolutely The Best Thing Ever.

They eventually make it to the bedroom, where they cuddle and drop random kisses on each other in between idle conversation. As is bound to happen between teenage boys, the kisses escalate quickly into more intense contact, and finally James is able to fulfill his dream of sucking Kendall into oblivion. This is absolutely The Best Night of His Life, eclipsing even That Night in his heart and mind.

"I wish we could stay right here forever. Nice warm bed, hard naked bodies..."

"Mmm, that ___would_ be nice," Kendall agrees. "Do you think Mom saw us?"

"I think she saw something. She did let you spend the night, though. That's a good sign."

"I guess."

"How is it that Logan doesn't suspect anything? He's with us all the time."

"Logan...he sees what he wants to see."

"What does ___that_ mean?"

"He hated you at first because I was paying attention to someone else. Just like with Carlos."

"Right."

"But he never thought there was anything between me and Carlos."

"There wasn't. I mean...was there?" That's a scary thought that's never crossed James' mind.

"No!" Kendall laughs. "And then after Carlos hung around with us for a while, he calmed down because my relationship with him didn't change."

"And has it now? With me in the picture?"

"A little. I spend time alone with you. I never did that with Carlos."

"That's what I'm saying. He's the smartest person I know. He ___has_ to see what's between us."

"It's not like we advertise it, James."

"And now we're back to the reason for our fight. You ___cannot_ date other people."

"We just got back together, don't do this now."

"We are ___not_ together, that's the problem. What am I to you?"

"You're my best friend. No matter what happens in our lives, you will always be that first."

James nods, frustrated but unsurprised. "So when you said you love me, it was as a friend? No way, not buying that."

"No, James." Kendall pulls James closer, resting his head on James' shoulder. "I meant it like it sounded. I ___do_ love you. Can't you tell by the way I freak out around Sarah?"

"Jealousy isn't love. It's the opposite of love."

"Whatever. You know what I mean."

"I don't think you love me as much as you think you do. Kind of like Logan. He thinks he's in love with you, but I think it's more that he doesn't like to share you."

"That's why I worry so much about showing my feelings. I don't want to hurt him. Logan means everything to me."

"I know. And I get that. But he's not made of glass, you know. I think he's actually branching out some, anyway. He did go on a date."

"Only because I did."

"Still. It's a start."

"Okay, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to tell him about us. One step at a time. And could you maybe throw in some guy comments once in a while?

"Guy comments?"

"Yeah. Like talk about how pretty you think girls are. You know, play it up. For his benefit."

"You want me to lie?"

"Noooo, just...you know."

"Lie."

"James! I love you, okay? I'm not ready to tell the world about it yet. Can you please just give me some time?"

"As long as you don't do anything stupid, like ask a girl to a dance. Because that killed me."

"I'm sorry." Kendall raises his lips to James' chin. "I really am. It was stupid. Logan really wanted to go, and I just...it was dumb."

"Yeah, it was. I mean it, though. I expect total devotion. Total commitment. It's me and nobody else."

Kendall rolls over onto James, a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "You need devotion? You want attention?"

"I want it all, Kendall."

"Well, for tonight, you'll have to be satisfied with more sex."

"We haven't had sex." The widening of Kendall's eyes is adorable. "But if you want to..."

"No! Jesus, James, one step at a time!"

James laughs before hugging Kendall tight. "It's okay, gorgeous. I'm not ready for that, either. But the look on your face was precious."

"Shut up and kiss me."

There is still much that needs to be worked out, and James isn't completely satisfied with Kendall's level of self-awareness, but Kendall's lips always work such magic on him that he's willing to let it go for now.


	11. Winter 2009 into 2010

******Author's Notes: **Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

So. We left off after the dance and makeout/up sessions, and Kendall's finally maturing enough to realize how much James means to him and that they are a real live couple. He's trying, guys, he really is, and he's stubborn but wants this to work because he loves James-the separation was enough to drive that home.

We have made it to BTAudition. I was extremely hesitant to even give a passing summary about the TV show itself, but I get that it's necessary to pull you back into the moment. So my descriptions of the events on the show may not match yours, but it's how I saw them.

OH! And I want to thank my Twitter buddy jamesmaslowshot for the inspiration and info on Adam Lambert. James is right—that guy is SEXY. :D

And I just want to thank you now for making it this far, because I'm probably going to lose a lot of readers after this chapter. I have my reasons for writing Kendall the way I do, and I hope you guys understand that Kendall does what he does here for James. It's the first unselfish thing he's ever done in his relationship with James, and in order for this fic to mesh with the TV show, it had to happen this way. If Kendall pisses you off and you don't want to read this anymore, I will love you anyway and say thank you for reading as much as you have. #bigtimegrouphug#

* * *

Over the next few months, Kendall becomes more and more comfortable with James in Logan's presence. While he doesn't show his attraction overtly, he ___is_ more affectionate with hugs and touches, and James appreciates the fact that Kendall is trying. He also loses his inhibitions in the bedroom, verbally expressing his feelings every chance he gets and practically mauling James whenever they're alone. Neither is ready to go all the way, though, so there's no resentment on that score.

There is resentment from Logan, though, who shows it through pissy comments whenever Kendall sits too close to James or tickles him mercilessly or suddenly says things like "James! Did you see that thing in my bedroom?" before dragging James away for no less than ten minutes at a time. Once Logan follows and finds the door locked—his own bedroom door is locked against him and there is a silence from behind it that makes his stomach queasy. Carlos does his best to distract Logan because he hates to see Logan hurting, but a part of him wants to just tell Logan everything so that he can begin the healing process and get over Kendall. Carlos' motives in this aren't selfish at all; he gave up on Logan after the dance, deciding that it wasn't worth all the anger and heartache when what he and Logan share is special in its own way.

January brings about a few changes in the routine. Mrs. Knight decides it would be a good idea to give Kendall more responsibility (and it wouldn't hurt to cut down his time with James, either, because the two of them are moving way too fast for their age), so she informs him he needs to get a job. He responds with logical, well-thought-out arguments against the idea but still doesn't win, and with her help he ends up working at the Sherwood grocery story on the weekends. Kendall complains that they don't need the money since Dad still sends her a monthly allowance to pay the bills and for whatever the kids need, and when she answers that there are more reasons than money to get a job, she backs up her point by getting a waitressing job of her own. James spends most of Kendall's shifts at Sherwood following him around, helping him stock shelves and round up shopping carts while talking about his future career as a star; this negates the idea of them having time apart but Mrs. Knight doesn't argue, and Carlos and Logan join them when they aren't busy studying or taking driving lessons from Carlos' dad. Carlos is a maniac behind the wheel and Logan dreads each session, but he also finds that driving is something he's really good at. It's all about control, and Logan is a master of control—at least in situations he can bend to his will.

* * *

It's a crazy afternoon in February when their lives change forever. Gustavo Rocque, mega-producer of outdated but former-world-famous boy bands, comes to Minnesota looking for the Next Big Thing. Kendall immediately springs into action, and with the aid of Logan, Carlos, and their aging neighbor Mrs. Majakowski, he gets James to that audition and forces him to take the step that might lead to The Dream becoming The Reality. James is hesitant and scared, not only because he's terrified of being shot down but because if this does go his way, it will mean the end of everything he's worked so hard to gain with Kendall.

Logan and Carlos audition as well; they know they have no chance but after Mr. Rocque's assistant Kelly reminds them of all that fame and fortune can bring, they take a shot. Logan returns in an almost catatonic state. He warns James not to even bother because the man is mean and scary, but Carlos goes in and has fun with it. He returns with a huge grin on his face because while his audition wasn't anything at all like what Mr. Rocque is looking for, it was epic in its own Carlosian way.

Kendall gives James a quick pep talk, reminding him this is an opportunity that will never come again, and when James still looks scared, Kendall literally shoves him through the door. Not about to miss the most important moment of his boyfriend's life, Kendall sneaks in to watch the audition along with the boys and Mrs. Majakowski, who is proving to be a better accomplice than they could have imagined.

James begins to sing and Kendall's heart explodes. This is what James was born for and his voice is exquisite. Kendall knows what this might mean for them, but seeing James up there on that stage singing into a microphone makes him so proud he wants to scream out to the world that James is amazing and beautiful and incredible and just...perfect.

And then something causes James' voice to crack with nerves, and he sends James an encouraging glance. James is about to start again when the evil, mean, scary man begins to insult him, and Kendall wonders if he heard wrong. ___He can't be serious_. James stands up for himself even though his soul is shattered and Kendall's fingers squeeze the seat he's hiding behind hard enough to leave marks in it. When Mr. Rocque has the audacity to state that James has no talent, Kendall can no longer control himself. Nobody talks to his boyfriend like that—___nobody_.

Kendall approaches the man, yelling insults at him because James looks devastated and when James looks like that it sets off a fire in Kendall that makes him burn to destroy whatever caused it-never mind that Kendall himself has caused it in the past. He actually jumps up onto the table before the man and proceeds to mock him, shove him out of his seat, and make up a silly but insulting song about what a turd he is. He knows this isn't helping James' case at all, but damn it—___nobody_ talks to James like that.

Eventually security steps in to restrain him and of course Carlos enters the fray because Carlos is all about defending his friends to the death. When James realizes his dreams are a lost cause, he jumps in as well because his friends are being attacked, and then Logan is there, too, and that's the way it should be. Even Mrs. Majakowski joins in the scuffle, brandishing her cane with admirable old-lady authority.

Finally the boys are returned to the Knight home by actual policemen. Logan is mortified that he has a criminal record. Carlos has no regrets. James looks like nothing so much as a puppy who's been kicked to the curb and Kendall can't wait be alone with him, desperate to make him smile again. In truth he is more than a little relieved that James isn't going anywhere, and that makes him feel like a total shit, but he would be lying if he said he was sorry it hadn't worked out.

Mrs. Knight hears the story and immediately gets it—she would have expected nothing less from the boys because they are all so protective of each other.

What surprises them all is Gustavo Rocque's arrival at the house soon after. Kendall watches James' entire demeanor go from defeated to ecstatic to shocked hurt in the space of ten seconds because it's not James that Mr. Rocque is there to see, but Kendall. After everything Kendall did, the man wants to take him to L.A. to record some songs because apparently he has a pretty good voice but more importantly, he has the fire that everyone, even James, has been lacking.

It's surreal. Kendall glances at James a couple of times but James isn't meeting his eyes. Carlos and Logan are stunned, but Mrs. Knight and Katie encourage him to think about it. It's not even an option, really; Kendall has no desire to be a singer or to move away from his friends, and besides, his dream is to play hockey. Preferably for the Minnesota Wild. Also, there's no way in hell he's leaving James. If James leaves him for this opportunity, that's totally different and understandable, but Kendall is not walking away from the one person who completes him; they've worked too hard to make this relationship work and it's finally on the right track and neither of them has ever been happier. The only thing that could ever pull Kendall away from James is the chance for James to follow his dreams.

* * *

Gustavo Rocque makes his exit with a bang. The Knight home returns to its typical Friday evening atmosphere except that the topic of discussion is, of course, the events of the last few hours. James is quieter than usual, prompting Kendall to give him questioning looks every two minutes and rush his mom to get them over to James' house. When Kendall goes to pack a bag for the weekend trip, James follows him into the bedroom.

"Hey, I'm not really in the mood tonight. You mind if I go home alone?"

Kendall raises an eyebrow at him. "I don't think you ___should_ be alone tonight."

"I'm fine. I just need some time to think. Some space."

"James, don't do this. Don't push me away."

"I'm not. You did everything you could to get me to that audition, and I'll love you forever for it. It's not your fault I'm not good enough."

"That guy's an idiot. He doesn't know what he's talking about, you ___are_ talented."

"That guy knows ___exactly_ what he's talking about. He has more platinum albums to his credit than Logan has books."

"Stop it, James. You know that's not true. You're gonna be famous and he'll be kicking himself later."

"Kendall..." There's so much. ___So much_ that James wants to say and he just doesn't have the energy or the brainpower right now. "I'm tired. I just want to go home and forget this ever happened. Please, babe. Give me one night to myself."

Kendall opens his arms in invitation. "Come here."

James shakes his head. "I'm gonna go. Please, Kendall. Don't fight me on this. I'm not up to it."

Kendall's heart screams at him to follow when James walks out of the room, but for once he gives in to James' wishes.

* * *

Kendall is lying on his bed staring at the ceiling when Logan enters and says, "Mama K took Carlos home, too."

"How come?"

"Probably because you're here."

Kendall looks up at Logan, who is staring down at him with hands in the pockets of his jeans. "I'm sorry."

"Why? It's your house, dude. And honestly? You should think about calling that guy back. I know it's not what you want to do with your life, but three months isn't a big deal. You'd have a lot of fun, meet some new people." ___Get away from James long enough to notice someone else for a change._ When Kendall doesn't answer, Logan presses a knee into the mattress, nudging him. "Why'd you stay home?"

"James wanted to be alone."

"Is he okay?"

Kendall shrugs, then rolls over onto his side to face Logan. "I don't know. He won't talk about it."

Logan nods as if he expected that. He walks back to close the door, then returns to Kendall's bed, this time sitting on it. Kendall scoots back against the wall to make room for him, and he faces Kendall. "It's gotta be killing him," he concludes.

"Yeah. He thinks he's not good enough, all because that jerkoff said he isn't. But he is."

"Whether he's good or not, it doesn't really matter. James is going to take Gustavo seriously because of who he is."

"I could strangle that guy."

Logan smiles. "I think calling him a giant turd and shoving him out of his chair was a good substitute."

"Yeah, I don't know where that came from," Kendall laughs.

"Well, he hurt James. There's no way in hell you'd let that go."

Kendall nods against the pillow, a melancholy mood settling over him. "I want to call him."

"Why don't you?"

"Because." With a long sigh, Kendall rolls over onto his back as well as he can in the small space between Logan and the wall. "He wouldn't answer if I did. He's probably down in the basement feeling sorry for himself."

"I think he's allowed to do that tonight. He's gotta be devastated."

"But Gustavo Rocque is an idiot. Why can't James see that? James is the most talented person I know."

"I told you, Kendall. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he wasn't good enough—and that ___you_ were."

"Me?"

"Duh. You think that's not killing him? Didn't you see his face tonight? He looked like he wanted to murder you for a few seconds there."

"He did?"

"Kendall, what planet are you living on? Think about it. Imagine if he got an offer to join the Wild and you didn't. Because you didn't make the cut. How would you feel?"

"That would never happen."

Logan licks his lips before answering. "If it did. How would you feel?"

"Like...like my life was over. Like I've been working all these years for nothing."

"Exactly." Logan stretches out next to Kendall. "Devastated. And heartbroken."

"But I wouldn't shut him out."

"No?"

"Of course not! James is my..." Kendall trails off, his cheeks flushing.

"Your best friend?"

"Right."

"And so um...as long as we're on the subject, and I know this is long overdue...at what point did he replace me as your best friend?"

"Ah, Logan." Another long sigh because really, Kendall does not want to get into this tonight. Not right now. "James is..."

"Go ahead and say it. More fun than me. More exciting. Better looking. All of the above. I get that, and I know I can't compete, but I always thought we had something special."

"We do. Come on, we're still close. We sleep in the same room. I still sing you to sleep, for God's sake."

"When you're here."

There is so much pain in that one statement that Kendall's stomach clenches. He stretches out his arms to pull Logan against him, cuddling in a way they haven't since...well, he can trace it back. Since James came into his world and forced everything else into the background. "I know this has been hard on you. I don't know how to explain it."

"It makes me feel like I don't even exist when James is around. Don't get me wrong, I think we have great friends. Carlos is freaking insane, but somehow watching out for him keeps ___me_ sane. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it kinda does. James is always saying that Carlos is good for you."

"Really? Wow. And hey, how come you and Carlos always tell me things that James says and it surprises me because they're things he would never say to my face? It would be nice to hear those things from ___him_ once in a while."

"I'll be sure to mention that next time I see him," Kendall teases. "'Hey James, Logan was bitching that you don't compliment him enough.'"

Logan smacks Kendall's shoulder. "I was just saying, dumbass. But don't change the subject. It hurts that you'd rather be with James all the time. And you ___still_ talk about him in your sleep."

Kendall isn't sure what surprises him more, that Logan admitted being hurt by his absence or the knowledge that he still talks in his sleep—about James. "You're exaggerating."

"No, I'm not. Sometimes I hear you thrashing around over there and it's...um..."

___Crap. He knows. I'm so not in the mood for this talk right now._ "Logan, I'm kind of worried about James. Can we have this conversation another time?"

"Fine. Because your precious James is hurting and he's all you seem to care about anyway. Maybe you should just go live with him from now on."

Logan's outburst shocks Kendall, and when Logan suddenly sits up to leave, he grabs Logan's arm. "Wait. Stop." But Logan rips his arm out of Kendall's grip and stands. "Damn it, Logan, I can't do this with you right now!"

"You never want to do this! Every time I bring up your obsession with James you push me farther away!"

"We can talk about it tomorrow, I promise, but right now-"

"You won't. You won't talk about it, you'll put me off again, and-"

"I won't, Logan. I promise. Can you give me some time to-"

And whoa. Whoa, are those Logan's lips smashing into his?___ And why does this even surprise me? I always knew he felt this way, so why didn't I see this coming? _Kendall isn't sure how to respond, he's desperate to keep Logan in his life, terrified to push him away, but James...

___James._

Two seconds before Kendall would have stopped the kiss, Logan does it for him. He's staring at Kendall like some kind of weird thing he's never seen before. ___Oh, fuck._

"Wow. That was...not like I imagined it at all."

"Logan, I'm sorry. I wish I could love you like that, and please don't hate me because you mean everything to me and I can't lose you, ___please_ Logan. I love you, just not that way." ___God, please help me through this because I don't want to hurt him._

Logan is still staring at him in wonder.

"Logan!"

"I don't...I didn't..." Logan closes his mouth, his eyes, and then starts again. "I thought it would be more...you know. Fireworks."

"Fireworks."

"Yeah. You know?"

"Okay. So...no fireworks?"

"Huh-uh. Weird."

Kendall can't keep it in anymore, a giggle is rising and and he finally lets it out. "Gee, I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"I know, right? What was ___that?_" Logan falls onto the bed and onto Kendall, who hugs him while they both laugh through the awkward moment. "This is nuts. I always thought kissing you would be like...like..."

And now it's time; Kendall feels that he can finally do this, and he finishes for Logan in an apologetic tone, "Like when James kisses me?"

Okay, maybe Logan ___isn't_ ready for that yet, but it's too late now. His eyes do that wide-as-saucers-oh-my-GOD thing, and all traces of amusement vanish. "So it's true. ___That_ explains a lot."

"I wanted to tell you, Logan."

"Um, no. _No_, you didn't, so don't even try. Because I know you, and I know you never wanted to have this discussion with me. Ever. Which is why it's taken you over a year to say anything. And when did this start? The first time you went to his house?"

"No, a long time after that. I don't even really know when we crossed over into...whatever we are now."

Logan raises his eyebrows. "Whatever you are now? You don't even know?"

"I guess he's my boyfriend?" Kendall shrugs.

"Wow." Logan shakes his head. "Okay, if you ever described me like that after a year or so of...whatever you two do together? I'd have to slap you. Right before I broke up with you."

"Look, we're finally okay. We've had a rough time figuring out where we stand and what we want, but right now things are good. He knows I love him."

"Ohhhhh. I get it."

"What?"

Logan chuckles because Kendall is so precious, yet so maddening. He can only imagine the hell Kendall has put James through. "He probably knew you loved him long before you did, right? And it took you forever to realize it yourself?"

"None of that matters, Logan. We're together and we're happy and I'm not afraid anymore."

"I suspected this. It's been getting obvious. Oh my God. Carlos! He knows, doesn't he? It all makes sense now!"

"Carlos knows. I think. We've never discussed it. And um...Mom knows."

_"What?_ You told her? Wait, what am I saying? You wouldn't even tell ___me_. So that means James told her."

"She found out by accident. And the only reason I didn't tell you is because I was afraid to hurt you. You mean just as much to me as James does, and it would kill me to lose you."

Logan crosses his arms over his chest and studies Kendall, who is still sitting on the bed. "I'm not sure that's a good thing."

"What's not a good thing?"

"Have you guys talked about your relationship at all? Like...discussed what you are to each other?"

"Yes. He belongs to me." At Logan's expression of disbelief, he adds, "Wait. That came out wrong. We're together. He _is _my boyfriend." And it feels good to say it with certainty.

"Okay, so then shouldn't James mean ___more_ to you than me?"

"No, because it's a different kind of love. We're more like brothers, but best friends. My feelings for James are totally different. Like when somebody looks at him and they like what they see, I want to impale them on my hockey stick."

Logan laughs. "So there's jealousy. Yeah, I can see that now. But I used to feel that kind of jealousy for you, when James first started hanging out with us."

"Used to? Logan, you just ___kissed me_ because you thought I cared more about him than you. I think it's still going on."

"Yeah...I guess..." But his eyes glaze over as he gets lost in thought.

"So why aren't you freaking out? I spent forever being afraid to tell you because I thought you'd freak out and want to kill James and I didn't want to hurt you. But you're...not."

"I know." Logan tilts his head. "It's weird. I would've expected that, too."

"So what happened? You don't love me anymore, Logie?" Kendall teases.

"Dude, I don't know. This is so weird. I mean, kissing you, like...it just wasn't what I thought it would be."

"You've thought about kissing me?"

"Duh. You're hot and you're my best friend."

"Um. Thanks?"

Logan grins, then shoves Kendall over to make room to sit. "So how come I don't hate you right now for choosing James over me?"

"That's what I wanna know."

"What, are you sad? You ___want_ me to freak out and go attack James?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little bit."

"Oh my _god,_ Kendall, you are so ridiculous. How does James put up with you?"

"He loves me. Even when I act like a moron and ask girls to a dance."

"Oh, is ___that_ what that was about? Wait, you were with him and you ___still_ went with Mandy? Are you insane? No, I can answer that. Not insane, just stupid."

"I did it for you! You wanted to go and I knew you wouldn't go without me."

"So? You didn't have to go with a girl! You could have gone alone, like Carlos and James did. You're such an idiot!"

"So you've said. Like a thousand times. Can we move past that part of the conversation?"

"No, because I'm just now realizing all the things you've done to James. My God, seriously? How does he still want to be with you?"

"Alright already! I'm a jerk, I get it! I'm done being stupid. He's my boyfriend and no, I'm not ready to tell the whole world. So don't even go there."

"No, I get that. That's going to be hard when you do. How does this fit in with James' whole image thing?"

"I don't know. Have you noticed that he's not as into it as he used to be?"

"Yeah, but I think that's cause he's with us. He can be more himself when it's just the four of us. When you guys were fighting, he seemed to get back into it a lot. Wait. Wait wait wait just a minute."

"What?"

"How is he going to marry Nicole Scherzinger if he's dating you? Didn't he just say that today?"

"Oh. Yeeeeeah. He's been saying things like that to throw you off. I kind of asked him to."

Logan is speechless for a moment, shaking his head in wonder. "___How_. How does he still want to be with you? I'm sorry, but I would have dumped your ass a long time ago."

"No, you wouldn't, because you love me to death and you're always going to."

"But I'm not your boyfriend! I would never let somebody walk all over me like that! And here I thought James was the tough one out of all of us. Man, you really messed him up, didn't you?"

For the first time since getting involved with James, it gets through to him. Maybe it's because Logan is the one saying it, or maybe it's just because ___somebody_ is saying it, but Kendall feels his stomach rise up into his throat as it hits him.

___What have I done to him?_

Sensing that something monumental is going on in Kendall's head, Logan speaks hesitantly. "He still loves you, Kendall. It's not too late to make it up to him. And it sounds like you've already started doing that."

But Kendall doesn't answer. He just lies back on the bed, pale and nauseous.

___I love him so much. All I want is for him to be happy. But I'm the one making him miserable._

___What have I done to him?_

Kendall lies awake most of the night wondering how he can ever make it all up to James and praying that James won't hate him when the sun comes up.

* * *

He doesn't turn on any lights at the house, but instead walks through the darkness until he is down in the basement. There he lights only enough candles to illuminate the rink so that he won't crash into the boards. The candles were Kendall's idea, and they've skated by their light quite a few times; he chooses not to think about what else they've done by candlelight down here.

Thinking about Kendall hurts tonight.

As he skates around in circles, James allows the tears to flow. It really isn't Kendall's fault. It's not fair to blame him. But it's also not fair that Kendall seems to get what James wants. The lead in the school play is a good example; if Kendall had chosen to continue with drama, he most likely would have stolen all of James' parts. Now he has stolen what James wants most—The Dream.

Kendall doesn't even ___want_ to be famous. He threw away the opportunity that James has been waiting for his whole life, like it's something that happens every day, no big deal. He treated it like a joke. And Gustavo Rocque ___still_ didn't even look at James.

___It's not fair._

The worst part of all this is that James understands where Gustavo is coming from. He knows better than anyone else that Kendall possesses that fire; it's what drew him in from the start. James knows he's pretty, he knows he has the look down to an art, and he even has the walk and talk to back it up. What he's missing, apparently, is that fire. And maybe it's time to admit to himself that he's just not good enough.

___Why am I good enough at hockey, but not what I really want?_ James shakes his head thinking about that. He and Logan have been contacted no less than three times each from universities in the area; recruiters are wooing them already for hockey scholarships. They both agreed that they would rather be tortured to death than let Kendall find out, because it would devastate him.

___It's not fair. It's my dream. I've worked my whole life for this. It's all I ever wanted._

But that's not exactly true, is it? It was true until he met Kendall. Once again, James is forced to admit that Kendall has taken center stage in his life. ___But I love him. I can't help it, I've tried to stop and I know he's a distraction, but he's amazing. And he's mine. Finally, he's totally and completely mine and I'm not giving that up._

___So you're going to give up your Dream instead?_

___What dream? I had my shot and I blew it. I'm not good enough._

___You're also arguing with yourself. You might have gone off the deep end. Blame Kendall. It's all his fault._

___Stop it. He's amazing and of course Gustavo is going to see that. Everyone sees that. Sometimes I wish I could unsee it._

___So break it off. Tell him you need to focus on your future._

___I can't. I love him. I want to be with him more than anything else._

___Then say goodbye to fame._

___Maybe I don't need fame. Maybe we'll all end up playing hockey together, and I can still be with Kendall._

___Quit making decisions based on him. It's your life._

___But without him, I have no life. He's my everything._

___You've made him your everything._

___He loves me._

___He still gets what you want._

___I told you. He's amazing. He can't help it._

___And you hate him for it._

___Sometimes._

___So forget about him. Start living your own life, the way you used to before he took it over._

___I love him._

"I love him," James says aloud. "And I hate him, too. It's not fair!" He doubles over and falls to his knees. The ice is freezing cold but he doesn't even feel it. "Fuck!"

When James finally drags himself upstairs to bed, the sky is pink and his room is bathed in a rosy glow. He collapses onto the mattress and falls into a dead sleep, still no closer to knowing what to do about Kendall. What he does know is that being around Kendall always seems to somehow lead to pain, and he's tired of hurting.

* * *

Things almost feel back to normal the next morning. Even with James being thrown into the penalty box twice for being a bit too overzealous with his stick, their team still manages to completely shut out the opposing championship team and it seems Kendall is finally going to see his own dream of making it to the state finals come true. He's still on a high from it when he goes to work later that day, but apparently he's the only one. Carlos and Logan keep bringing up the missed opportunity with the Rocque guy, and James won't even look at him. Every time Kendall tries to talk to him, James suddenly finds someplace else to be or someone else to talk to and it makes him even more desperate to fix the situation.

___James, please. Talk to me. Don't hate me. Don't shut me out._

It's when he's gathering shopping carts that the idea comes to him. Logan starts harping again about how Kendall was stupid to not take the offer, and why is Logan so dead-set on getting rid of him suddenly? Kendall can almost see why Carlos wants him to go, and it isn't just because Carlos would die for the chance himself; Carlos sees James hurting and knows who keeps causing it. Both of them pester Kendall into rethinking the offer, but one look at James would be enough to kill the idea even if he was tempted.

___I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay here and spend the rest of my life making James happy. If he'll let me, that is._

The silence is finally too much and Kendall cracks, addressing James' silence even though he knows where it's coming from. James confirms his fears by admitting that he hates Kendall at the moment and possibly forever, although Kendall may be imagining that last part. What makes it worse is that ___James_ encourages him to take the offer. James wants him to have everything he has always wanted for himself, and it may be that James wants Kendall out of his life, but Kendall can also see that there is love behind it. James wants Kendall to have it all because for some unfathomable reason, James thinks that Kendall deserves it, and that makes Kendall want to grab onto James and never let go.

Carlos is still going on about how Kendall should call that guy back and Logan is agreeing with everything Carlos says, which is weird enough in itself, and James is whipping copies of magazine covers out of his jacket, and has the whole world gone crazy? Although that headshot of James as a bad boy really needs some attention later, maybe when things have calmed down and Kendall can remind James how much fun it is to roleplay, and ___where is my brain going? If I don't figure out a way to fix all this pain and hurt I've caused him, he'll never even let me kiss him again. And now he's trying to get rid of me again by throwing my own words back at me and..._

___Wait. Wait, that magazine cover. Boy bands. Boy _bands___._

Can it really be so simple? Can there really be a solution that will make ___everyone_ happy? Kendall doesn't even know if it would work, in fact it probably wouldn't, but the idea takes hold and even if Gustavo Rocque shoots it down in a second, Kendall will come out looking like a hero in James' eyes and isn't that what matters most? There really isn't any part of Kendall that wants to leave Minnesota and the life he has here, but if his friends could be there with him, if ___James_ could have that chance he so desperately needs, it would all be worth it. Kendall knows how to push Rocque's buttons, the guy would be so easy to manipulate, and could this really work?

___So what if it doesn't? I can try. And James will love me again because I tried._

And yes, Kendall is more than a little proud of himself for this stroke of genius. He calls Kelly and tells her he's reconsidered the offer. Kelly and the Giant Turd Producer arrive at Sherwood's and it feels like an Old West showdown to Kendall, who is not going to back down first. The boys whisper last-minute advice to him as he approaches Rocque, and he has to admit that he's a little intimidated. But then he remembers the way James has been ignoring him, the pain in James' eyes the night before and even today, and he stiffens his spine and pitches the idea to Rocque.

"I'll go to L.A. with you and record some demos—IF you take my buds and make us a singing ___group_."

And ___fuck yes, that look from James is priceless. He wants to take me home right now and eat me up and babble on and on about how much he loves me. This was so worth it. _He registers the reactions of Carlos and Logan just enough to know that they too are astounded and in awe of him, and this has to be one of the coolest things he's ever done.

Rocque bellows at him about how it's never gonna happen, but Kendall can see right through the bluster. ___Holy shit, I think it worked. I think we're really gonna do this._

The rest of the afternoon passes in a blur of arrangements with his mom as well as discussions with James' and Carlos' parents. It's no surprise that James' parents offer no argument at the thought of his absence for three months, and even Carlos' mom seems a tiny bit relieved; no one doubts her love for him, but they all know she doesn't have the first clue how to handle him, and while Carlos' father isn't happy about it, he isn't home enough to really have a say in the matter.

It isn't until after dinner when Mrs. Knight is driving them to James' house for one last night that Kendall starts to think about what it all means for him and James. He'd thought only about getting James to forgive him and about making it up to James, and now that they're past that point Kendall is forced to think about what their lives are going to be like now. What he realizes rips a ragged hole through his heart.

___All that matters is James. Whatever it takes. I made him a promise a long time ago that I would do whatever it takes, everything it takes, to make him famous. I can't hold him back now, no matter how much it hurts either of us. James Diamond, you're going to be a star, and the three of us are going to help you get there._

___Even if it kills me._

* * *

"Did you see his face?"

"Did you hear him yell?"

"I think the entire state of Minnesota heard him yell. And Kendall! I can't believe he talked to him like that!" Logan laughs just thinking about it.

Carlos joins him in the laughter. "Kendall's got some cojones. He's the coolest person I've ever known. How does he get away with that shit?"

"It's Kendall. He can get away with anything."

"Not unsportsmanlike mooning."

"Okay, so that's one time Kendall got in trouble. But he wouldn't have been caught if you hadn't bragged about it two minutes after the incident."

"What, you think I'm gonna do something that epic and keep quiet about it?" Carlos shifts into a more comfortable position against Logan in Logan's bed. Kendall's bed hasn't been touched by him in months. "This is so exciting. I can't believe we're going to L.A., dude!"

"It's pretty cool. Kendall's so unselfish when it comes to all of us."

"I was thinking about that. We're gonna miss the rest of the championship games."

"Yeah. Coach was livid, did you hear him yelling at Mama Knight on the phone?"

"Yeah. She was awesome, though."

Logan sighs, content in the moment. "I don't think we'll be able to sleep tonight."

"What do you think it's gonna be like out there?"

"Hot. Possibly humid as well. But sunny for sure, and there's beaches everywhere-"

"And smokin' girls. In bikinis."

"Right. You must have mentioned girls to Kendall about a million times today."

"Well it's true, isn't it?"

"I guess. But do you really think Kendall's going to care about girls when he's got James right there?"

Carlos shrugs, surprised Logan sounds so accepting of it and moving on. "This is gonna be so weird. Do you really think we can sleep together every single night and not kill each other?"

"No, and thank God we don't even have to try."

"You think James and Kendall won't want to-" Carlos stops talking. "Oh. Logan." He sits up and touches his hair as if searching for the safety of his helmet, then lets his hands fall to his lap and fidget. "Dude. There's something we have to talk about, and I'm not the one who should be telling you all this, but it has to happen now because if it comes out later it could cause a lot of problems and I don't want it to ruin our chances-"

"If you're gonna tell me about Kendall and James, I already know."

The shocked expression on Carlos' face is priceless. "You do? Since when?"

"Last night. Kendall told me."

"And...really? You're still speaking to him? And James? You haven't tried to murder him yet?"

"Jeez, Carlos, was it that obvious that I had a thing for Kendall?"

"You're a genius and all, but you're stupid when it comes to feelings."

"Thanks, asswipe."

"So how come you're not freaking out?"

"I'm not getting into the details with you, but Kendall and I talked it all out. We're cool."

"You don't have to give me details, but you owe me ___something_. At least explain to me how you're okay with this."

"I just am. We worked through it, and we're best friends, and that's what matters."

"Wow. I can't believe you're so calm about it." Carlos again lowers himself to the bed and lays his head on Logan's shoulder. "You're really not mad?"

"I was. But it's obvious that he and James belong together, so...hey, Carlos? Have you ever kissed anyone?"

"Uh...you'd know if I had. Same with you, right?"

Logan ignores that and moves on. "What do you think it's like? How do you think it feels?"

"Pretty amazing."

"Like fireworks, right?"

"Yeah. For sure. I mean, when my mom and dad kiss it's not like that, but they've been together forever."

"And it might be like that when they're alone."

"Dude! Ew!"

Logan chuckles. "I'm just saying. But it's supposed to be powerful, like...like knock-you-off-your-feet stuff, right?"

"That's what I always heard."

"That's what I think, too."

"I guess we'll find out someday, right? Maybe even in sunny California, with girls and beaches and palm trees, aaaaaahhhhh!"

"You're such a dork." Logan shifts his head to lean against Carlos'. "Hey, before we leave tomorrow, will you visit my mom with me? I know we're coming back and all, but...I want to say goodbye. Leave some flowers."

"Sure thing, buddy. We can pick some of my mom's roses."

"Are there yellow ones? She liked yellow."

"Yeah. And if we can't find any pretty ones, we'll stop at the store."

"'kay. Thanks."

"Yeah. Night, Logan."

"Night, Carlos."

* * *

It's so hot that Logan is panting, tongue swollen and dry while he tries to catch his breath, but it's amazing. So good that he's moaning because Carlos' tongue is like a snake slithering over his stomach as it moves lower, lower, and Logan is hard, straining against his pajama pants. "Carlos," he begs, "please, now, need you, don't tease me..." Carlos lifts his head to grin at Logan, and are those ___fangs? _"Ohhhhh, Goooooood, yeeeeeeesssss."

Logan's eyes fly open. His hand is inside his pants and it's dark and there is a warm body next to him. ___Carlos. _Unlike most dreams, this one is sticking with him and he can remember every second of it, every sensation. He's even panting while awake, having a difficult time catching his breath. And it ___is_ hot; maybe the heater was left on again instead of on auto, or maybe it's just because he was dreaming his friend was about to do something insanely erotic to his body.

Logan sits up fast. Carlos? Really?

He licks his lips and looks down at the sleeping form next to him. Dark eyebrows on smooth, caramel skin, lips full and dry as they vibrate with each exhale. An irresistible urge to lick them comes over Logan and he has to look away.

___Carlos._

The feeling is not going away, not even fading. ___Whoa. Carlos._

"Carlos. Carlos, wake up."___  
_  
Nothing. And Logan's going to scream because he's about to overheat.

"CARLOS." He shakes him this time.

"Huh? What do you want, I'm sleeping here."

"Wake up."

"I'm awake, what?" Carlos rubs his face. "It's still nighttime, what's going on?"

"I'm not sure. I don't have a fucking clue. But I have to do something. ___We_ have to do something." Logan pulls the covers off Carlos before crawling up toward him.

Carlos' eyes widen. "Am I gonna need my helmet?"

"Yeah. Probably." But Logan doesn't let him move, pinning him to the bed with his eyes and his elbows around Carlos' shoulders. "I'm gonna kiss you now. And you're gonna let me."

Carlos blinks a few times. He licks his lips and gives Logan a tiny nod, and then Logan is ___on_ him, tongue pushing in and forcing Carlos to open his mouth, and fireworks? Somewhere in the sky there is a sonic boom, maybe even an atomic bomb is being detonated in the next room because ___HOLY FUCK this must be what Kendall feels when James kisses him and no wonder they always want to be alone!_

Carlos is returning the kiss with the kind of primal need that is running through Logan's body, and Logan finally understands why Carlos acts the way he does sometimes. Apparently this idea is nothing new to him, and it makes Logan want to laugh because he scolded Kendall so badly for putting James through that same kind of hell. ___I guess I'm an idiot, too._

He's giddy when he finally pulls back for air. For the first time since meeting Carlos, everything feels ___right_. Everything makes ___sense_. Logan can't stop grinning.

And the best part? He can feel Carlos' reaction digging into his thigh.

"You're an idiot."

Logan nods. "I know."

"A moron. I can't believe you're doing this ___now_."

"Now?"

"Yes, now! I finally gave up on you and we're starting new lives tomorrow and you go and do ___this?_"

"Carlos, it's okay. I get it now, I was stupid not to realize it before, but I was so into Kendall and I didn't know how-"

"I know. I was there. But I got tired of waiting and you know what I fell asleep dreaming about tonight? Girls. ___Girls_, Logan. Because I'm ready to give them a try."

Logan sits up slowly. "Look, I know it took me forever and I'm sorry, and you can call me whatever bad names you want to for the rest of our lives, but this is right. This has to happen because it's meant to be."

"I'm not doing this with you. Not after everything we've been through."

"___What _have we been through? You know that when we argue it doesn't mean anything, right? You've always known that."

"Yeah, except for when we argued over Mary."

"Mary? Oh, Carlos, no, okay...I was stupid, I didn't know how you felt, and if I had known-"

"It doesn't matter. It hurt. I'm fifteen years old, I shouldn't have to feel that kind of pain."

"But it's not gonna happen anymore. It's out in the open, and I realize how I feel about you now, and I'm sorry. I was an idiot."

"Logan, I don't wanna end up like James."

"Wha—James?"

"I've watched him suffer for almost two years."

"But it worked out. They're happy now. It just took them a long time to get it right."

"You don't know how hard it's been for him, Logan."

"Yes, I do. I mean, I do ___now_."

"I don't want to take that chance with you. I'm not ready for something that has the power to make me want to kill myself when it doesn't work out."

"You? Carlos! You're always the first to take a chance, to rush in and try things!"

"Those are things that don't matter. Physical. Bones mend. My heart won't."

"What are you even...so wait. Wait, you're breaking up with me before we even go out? Because I ___might_ hurt you?"

Carlos shrugs. "Yeah. I want to be a teenager while I can. I'm not gonna spend three months in California pining over somebody."

"Carlos! You won't be pining! I'll be right there!"

"Not good enough."

"What do you want? Just tell me, I'll do it, you can have whatever you want from me! Carlos, there were fireworks! ___Fireworks!_"

Carlos answers with a sad smile. "I know. It was awesome."

"And you're gonna give that up?"

After a long moment, Carlos nods. "Yeah. I don't wanna get hurt. I'm not ready to give my heart up to somebody like that. Not even you."

"So...what?" Logan's voice cracks with the tears that spring to his eyes. "We're just gonna act like this never happened? You think I can do that?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I'm hurting you. You're my best friend, man. I don't wanna lose that because there's nothing more important to me. Please, be my friend, because that's what I need most. We're all gonna need to stick together out there."

Though he devotes more than ten minutes trying to think of something, there's nothing more that Logan can say. Instead he cries himself back to sleep with Carlos wrapped around him, holding him until the shaking stops.

* * *

"James, will you come back to bed? You haven't been to sleep at all yet, have you?"

"Who can sleep? I'm too excited!" James moves around the room in circles. "Kendall, you were so incredible! I can't believe you talked to ___The_ Gustavo Rocque like that. And got away with it!"

Kendall smirks. "Always do."

"___And _you made it so I can have everything I want! I was so confused, and conflicted, and angry, and...now it's all good. I get you ___and_ fame. You're the best boyfriend ever." James runs to the bed and climbs in next to Kendall, snuggling in close and sighing. "This right here. This is what I'm looking forward to most. Sharing a bed with you every single night instead of just twice a week."

The sudden rigidness in Kendall's body sets off a tiny pool of dread in James' stomach. He looks up and Kendall's expression turns the pool into an ocean. "Kendall?"

"Okay, look. Me and Logan are gonna share a room. We already talked about it."

James' limbs are like deadwood. "You...what? Why?"

Kendall is gathering up courage, James can feel it, and ___no no no no no. No no no, Kendall, no. Whatever you're thinking, don't. Don't do it._

"You know that this changes everything, right?"

"This changes nothing."

"James, you're not thinking." Kendall scoots away from him so they can look at each other.

"I ___am_ thinking. I'm thinking that I love you and we're together and it's gonna stay that way."

"No. We're gonna be in a band. In the spotlight. We have to keep up an image, which you understand better than anybody else. There can't be any embarrassing secrets."

"You mean we're gonna have to keep hiding this. It's just three months, we've hidden it for much longer than that."

"No. ___James. _This?" Kendall points back and forth between them. "This can't happen out there."

Oh, so ___this_ is what his mom means when she talks about having a panic attack. Yeah, that's why she takes pills. Because she can't breathe and feels like she's about to pass out.

"James? Breathe, baby."

___And this is why I hate you sometimes._

"James. Look, think about it. It's not just about us anymore, okay? This involves Carlos and Logan too, and we have to think about them now. They want this so bad. I'm not gonna do anything to ruin it for them. ___Or_ for you. We can't take any chances."

"We'll be careful. You know Carlos will cover for us. And Logan isn't even a problem anymore, you said he was fine with this. Kendall, I can't lose you again. Not after everything we've been through."

"I love you, James. You know I do. You think this is easy for me? You think it's not gonna kill me to live with you twenty-four/seven and not be able to kiss you? Why do you think I'm not sharing a room with you? Because I can't trust myself. I won't be able to keep my hands off you if we're alone like that."

"I finally have everything I want, and you're taking it away from me. I shouldn't even be surprised, because when have you ever made this easy? When have you ever just loved me without putting restrictions on it?"

"I ___do_ love you. God, James, I love you so much it makes me crazy. But I promised you I would do whatever it takes to make your dreams come true. Even if it kills me. And this is what it's going to take. What's most important is that we're all together, right? That you're gonna get what you've always wanted, you're gonna be famous, and we'll be right there next to you?"

"I don't want to start over. We've come too far. I can't spend three months pretending I don't care and not let it affect me. Affect ___us_."

"I know things are gonna change. I don't like it, but it has to happen this way. It's what you deserve, it's your dream."

"What about ___your_ dream? What about the Wild?"

Kendall shrugs. "They'll still be here in three months." ___But you won't. What the fuck am I doing? James, please talk me out of this. Please._

"Kendall..." James is having an anxiety attack again because the idea of being with Kendall ___all the time_ but not being with Kendall ___at all _is like being pushed off a cliff without a parachute. He just doesn't know how to do it.

Kendall nods slowly, fighting back his own tears. "I know. It's the only way, James."

"I can't go through this back-and-forth shit anymore. It's tearing me up. Even if we fail and come back in a week or something...I can't do this anymore. You're willing to give this up completely?"

"Not really. If I thought it could work, you know I wouldn't give it up. But you know what I thought about last night?" ___Besides the fact that I'm a jerk who doesn't deserve you?_

James doesn't answer.

"I was thinking about our fight. How focused you were when I wasn't there to distract you. And how incredible you are when you put on the pretty, when you become The Face."

A sad smile creases James' face. "You think it's ridiculous. Don't lie."

"Yeah, but it's also amazing. The more I watched you, the more I wanted to just take you down every time I saw you because you're insanely hot. I was a mess by the time we made up, remember? Couldn't keep myself away from you for five seconds. You have so much to offer, such a fantastic future ahead of you. And it's not fair for me keep that all to myself. The world needs James Diamond."

___But what James Diamond needs is you._ "We could call Kelly right now and tell her it's off. That we changed our minds and-" The panic is so intense he feels like he could shake into a million pieces.

_"James._ No. You can do this. It's what you were made for. And you know I'm right. You're just scared." Kendall wraps his arms around James and pets his hair, something that always soothes him. "I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right next to you. All the way."

Slowly the panic recedes and all that's left is heartache. "I don't know if I can pretend I don't care."

"Of course you can. Your acting is fantastic."

"So is yours."

"All the better."

"I can't do this."

"You did it when we weren't speaking. Had me convinced you didn't care. I thought you really were into Sarah for a minute and it freaked me out."

"God, Kendall, what are we supposed to do, go after girls now?"

"I don't know. I just know that we can't do anything that might ruin this for you. Or for the boys, because they're beyond excited. There are paparazzi everywhere; you should know that, you watch 'TMZ' all the time."

"That's so I'll know how to handle them when the time comes."

"Now ___is_ that time."

"Kendall, you act like we're gonna be famous overnight. It doesn't work like that."

"You still have to be ready for anything, because those guys dig deep into your past. Imagine if you were on the brink of superstardom and they found a picture of us kissing or making out."

"Adam Lambert's gay and he's amazing. Sexiest thing ever besides you. ___And_ totally famous."

"He didn't officially come out until after 'Idol.' Do what you want after you make it to the top, but until you get there, you have to watch your back." Kendall smirks and nudges James' shoulder. "___You_ taught me that. Be James Diamond. ___Own_ him."

"I ___am_ him."

"So show everybody that. The Face is what hooked me from the start, even though it was still a work in progress."

"And now?"

Kendall tilts James' chin toward him. "And now it's everything about you. You said you didn't think I loved you as much as I thought I did? The truth is I love you way more than I ever realized."

James sees that it's true, feels it in the way Kendall holds him and the way his voice gets a little bit whiny at the end. "I don't want this to end. You're killing me, Kendall. Killing ___us. _I can't forgive you if you do this. There's no going back."

"I know. I'll probably regret this a thousand times over the next few months, but...I have to give you up."

"Even if I end up hating you?"

"You won't. You know I'm right."

"I hate you right now."

Kendall nods. "I kind of hate myself, too."

* * *

James lies awake for a long time after Kendall drops off to sleep. After tossing and turning, he gets up to use the bathroom, his mind a whirlwhind. He's washing his hands when the voice speaks up again.

___He made the decision for you. Isn't that what you wanted? A decision one way or the other?_

___I wanted what I almost had. Everything. Kendall, a chance at fame, my best buds along for the ride..._

___You'll never get anywhere with Kendall demanding all of your attention. He was holding you back._

___I liked being held back by him._

___Now you don't have a choice. He dumped you._

___He didn't dump me._

___Yeah, he basically did._

___How am I supposed to do this without him?_

___Focus. Not on him, but on The Dream. Meet famous people, go to parties, have fun for a change. And let The Face become who you are all the time._

___He's gonna meet new people, too. How am I supposed to deal with that?_

___You have to stop caring. He dumped you. Stomped on your heart. AGAIN. Remember that, remember this feeling right here every time you're tempted to cry over him. He's doing you a favor. Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, isn't that what Kendall always says?_

___Fuck Kendall._

___Now you're talking. It's all about you, James. Eyes on the prize. This is what you've wanted your whole life, before Kendall ever came around, before you lost your way. Let him make you famous. If anybody can make it happen, he can._

___We're doing this as a team. It's about all of us._

___No, James. NO. That's how you lost your focus. Let Kendall look after the boys; it's what he does best. You look out for you._

___Me._

___You. James Fucking Diamond._

"It's all about me," James says aloud. There is heartache, there is anger, there is so much more than he can deal with right now, and so he doesn't deal with it at all; he simply shoves it all into a box in the attic of his heart, mentally writing "Do Not Open" on it.

When he wakes up the next morning, he has jumped off that cliff and is free-falling. A new life is about to begin, and he can't wait to see where it takes him.


	12. Hollywood

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic begins more as a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you don't like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

* * *

**_Six Months Later_**

Hollywood is crazy. Insane. The people, the places, all of it. Logan had thought Gustavo Rocque would be the person he'd have to fear most, but it turns out Gustavo's level of crazy is mild in comparison to Gustavo's boss, the boss's daughter, and even the other residents of the Palm Woods Hotel where the "family" is being put up. Each day brings new adventures and run-ins with nutty people and sometimes Logan wonders why he's even surprised anymore.

The weirdest thing about the new life is the effect it's had on him. Thrown into unfamiliar situations in unfamiliar surroundings, Logan has been forced to sink or swim time and time again. Usually the guys are right there to keep him afloat, but even then it seems they're always in trouble. This in itself isn't all that new. What's new is that Logan is taking risks he would never have imagined, and at one point he even snuck onto an all-girls college campus ___by himself_. No wheedling from Kendall on that one (although to be fair, it was Mrs. Knight's idea for him to dress up as a girl), no dare from Carlos, not even a "you're such a sissy" look from James; Logan was determined to meet one of his idols and did what he had to do in order to make it happen.

What Logan never could have predicted is that he has a girlfriend. Or at least, he thinks he does; Camille never really put into words what their relationship is, although she claimed him from the first week they arrived at the Palm Woods. She's kind of nuts herself, but she stuck with him after he put her off repeatedly and even after he treated her like dirt, so Logan decided to give her a chance and discovered that he actually kind of likes her. With the help of James and Kendall he was finally able to sweep her off her feet, and now they're...something. A couple? Dating? Together? Yeah, together sounds right.

The best part of the move to Hollywood is his reconnection with Kendall. Now that he and James are no longer the center of each others' universes, Logan and Kendall have returned to that close brotherly friendship that existed between them before James came along. Carlos spends most of his free time with James, which is fine by Logan because being around Carlos still hurts more than he's willing to admit or even reflect on.

Carlos has a girlfriend as well. Stephanie. Logan didn't like her at first because she tricked them into thinking the Palm Woods was haunted (again, crazy people around here), but when she helped them get rid of an unwanted house guest, he warmed up to her a tiny bit. Then she and Carlos got a little closer, and Logan decided he hated her. He threw himself into roping Camille as a girlfriend in order to keep the pain at bay, and so far it seems to be working. Most of the time.

It's when Jordin Sparks arrived at the Palm Woods to record a song that the old feelings not only rise to the surface but bubble over like a volcano. Logan and Carlos have a sudden silly streak and decide to bring back the Good Luck Patrol, characters they used to play in Minnesota to entertain Katie. She went through a serious clumsy phase the year before and Mrs. Knight instructed them to keep an eye on her so she wouldn't hurt herself (or anyone else). Bored one weekend, Carlos dreamed up the idea for the Good Luck Patrol and assigned each of them nicknames. Their job was to follow Katie and make sure she stayed out of harm's way. While Logan thought the idea ridiculous, he had fun dressing up like a Secret Service agent and using "watch walkie-talkies" to communicate with Carlos. He couldn't say for sure that Katie benefited from their shenanigans, but Logan did know that he'd enjoyed being silly with Carlos when Kendall wasn't around.

So Lucky Charm and Rabbit's Foot spring into action in order to keep Jordin Sparks safe from bad luck, and while it backfires horribly, the experience makes Logan feel light-hearted and more like himself than he's felt since moving to California. It also makes him long for the nights he and Carlos used to cuddle up and sleep tangled together, when Carlos would say the stupidest things but never fail to make Logan laugh.

Jordin Sparks left this morning. Logan's been avoiding Camille all day, hiding in the apartment and helping Mrs. Knight do some heavy-duty cleaning while the boys are out doing...well, it's probably better if he doesn't know.

"Mom!"

Logan and Mrs. Knight look up from their respective corners of the kitchen to see Kendall blow into the apartment like a hurricane.

"There's a pool party tonight and Jo's mad at me and I have to make it up to her so can you whip up some brownies or cupcakes or something?"

Logan shakes his head; Kendall really is ___so bad _at the whole love thing___._

"Sweetie, I'm not sure dessert is the way to go. Maybe you should just tell her that there was nothing going on between you and Jordin."

"I tried that! She won't listen to me! She's so stubborn!"

Logan bites down on the laugh that erupts from his throat, transforming it into a cough. Kendall glares at him. "Sorry. Just...___you're_ calling someone stubborn?"

"But she ___is_! I mean, James always knew when I was telling the truth! Why can't she figure it out?"

Mrs. Knight sighs and stands up, wiping her hands on a towel. "Because she's a girl. And girls are very different from boys."

"No kidding. Maybe I should just give up on girls altogether."

Logan rolls his eyes. "Please, Kendall. That's not gonna happen, you like boobs too much."

Kendall shrugs. "So? James didn't have boobs, and I made that work. Besides, he had a nice-"

"Honey, James is a completely different story," Mrs. Knight interjects before Kendall can finish that thought. "You can't compare anyone else to him, boy ___or_ girl."

"Fine, but then what do I do? She won't believe me."

"All you can do is keep trying. Not give up. Eventually she'll realize that you do care."

"Hey, which one of you used the last of my 'Cuda mousse?" is suddenly thundered from the bathroom.

"Why? You got a hot date?" All of Kendall's attention is suddenly on James.

Logan stands up, really not wanting to get in the middle of the catfight about to break out. "Mama Knight, would you care for an ice cream cone? I'm thinking that sounds really good right about now."

"Actually, ___yes_. Yes, I do," James answers, stepping into the living room and invading Kendall's space.

"With who? Sunblock girl?"

"Yes."

Mrs. Knight moves to stand between Kendall and James. "Boys. We're past this. You each have potential girlfriends, don't ruin it. Especially you, Kendall. Go out there and win her back."

James grins at Kendall over Mrs. Knight. "Good luck. She was just telling Camille what an asshole you are."

"Oh yeah? Well, don't forget to wear your gloves next time you rub her down. I hear she's been around the block with every guy to set foot in the lobby."

"Take that back."

"Come over here and make me."

"BOYS! ENOUGH!"

Logan lifts a hand in defeat. "Never mind. I'm going to bed." He doesn't care that it's five o'clock in the afternoon. There's suddenly a headache whirling around his brain.

"Logan, don't forget Katie and I are going out for dinner and a movie. I imagine these boys will be out late, too...if they ever get their heads out of their butts. You guys know what Carlos has planned?"

"He's got a date with Stephanie," James answers, still not breaking eye contact with Kendall.

The hole in Logan's chest widens. "Great. Well, don't worry about me, I'll just make up some pizza bagels if I get hungry. Good luck, guys." ___You're gonna need it._

Logan falls onto his bed with an aching heart, feeling lonelier than he ever has in his entire life.

* * *

A rustling sound wakes Logan. He opens his eyes to find it's still light outside and the bedside clock tells him only an hour has passed. Swishing fabric makes him look toward the closet, where he finds Carlos in a pair of jeans and nothing else. ___Oh God, I'm dreaming again. And he's so hot._

"Oh hey. Sorry, I was trying to be quiet."

Logan sits up, blinking. Maybe he's not dreaming. "What are you doing?"

Carlos pulls out a blue button-up shirt from Kendall's side of the closet. "Kendall said I could borrow a shirt for tonight. I don't have a lot of nice clothes."

"Taking her somewhere fancy?" Logan tries not to sound petulant but fails miserably. He scoots back on the bed until he's leaning against the wall, watching Carlos.

"Not really. Just the pool party, but you know what James says. It's never a bad idea to-"

"-to look good, right." Once Carlos slips the shirt over his arms, Logan adds, "Well, you succeeded in that."

Carlos' eyes fall closed and he lets out a breath. "Dude. Not now."

"I'm just saying. You look amazing."

"Yeah, well...thanks." Carlos turns to rush out of the room, but then Logan is on his feet and running to stop Carlos with a hand on his sleeve, pulling him back. "Logan, I don't have time for this."

"Make time." Logan's arms slide around Carlos' waist while his lips brush against Carlos' ear. "Tell me you don't feel it, just tell me and I'll let you go."

"Logan..."

Logan can feel that Carlos is frustrated, wants to turn around and rage at him, and he's ready for it when it happens, except...it doesn't. Carlos does turn around to face Logan, but his eyes aren't angry; they're sad, which is almost worse.

"Why is it that you shrink away from girls like they have a disease but around me you turn into a tiger?"

"Because you're my Carlos." It's so simple to him.

"But I'm not." Carlos steps back slowly, opening Logan's arms but not letting go of his hands. "Camille's been asking about you all day. It's not fair to hide from her."

"I know." He really should feel worse than he does about it. "I just can't face her today. I keep thinking about..." One look at Carlos and Logan knows he doesn't have to finish that sentence.

"Dude, you can't keep doing that. You have a girlfriend now, and so do I. I mean...girlfriends! You should be getting ready to go out with Camille, not asleep at six o'clock on a Saturday night."

"It's been a long day. I had a lot of fun with you yesterday and it brought back so many memories, and I can't shake it. All day I've been wishing we were back home. In my room." Carlos looks away, and Logan presses on. "When you kiss her, does it feel the same? Is it even close? Tell me if it is, and I'll shut up. Because when I kiss Camille, it's nice but it's not-"

"Logan! Stop!"

"No. Carlos, I'm going crazy here. I can't stop thinking about kissing you, about how incredible it was. If you can kiss me now and not feel anything, I'll shut up about it. But-"

"I'm not kissing you, dude. I'm with a girl now. I'm trying to stick with girls now, okay?"

Logan isn't giving up that easily. "Fine, I'll go dress up like a girl. I did it once, remember?"

Against his will, Carlos grins. "Yeah, I remember. You dressed up as a girl is something I'll never forget."

"Oh? Was I a pretty girl?" Logan leans in with a smile, staring into Carlos' eyes.

"Not really. But...I thought you were beautiful."

"You ___do_ miss me." Logan takes that last step and just before Carlos might have stepped back, he reaches forward to pull Carlos closer, but there is really no need. Carlos falls into the kiss, his hands gliding up Logan's back to cradle Logan's head just right as he tastes Logan's mouth for the second time.

Logan relaxes his grip once he knows Carlos isn't going to run away. He savors the kiss, letting his tongue explore inside and out, and Carlos tastes like...everything that's right in the world. Everything is perfect when he's with Carlos like this, and why can't Carlos see it that way? "Please," he pulls back long enough to whisper. "Please, stay with me tonight. Right here." He dives in again and Carlos meets his lips with a moan, and Logan knows he will never forget that sound, not as long as he lives.

"Mmm...wait, Logan. Wait."

"No." He's not about to stop now.

"I have to go, I can't..."

Logan holds him tighter and kisses him deeper, doing whatever he can to stop Carlos from thinking and instead just ___need_. He snakes his hand down to cup Carlos through his pants and strokes his thumb up and down, top to bottom and back up again, and Carlos shudders in his grip. ___Yes. Let me do more, I can do so much more. _Logan pulls back from the kiss to meet his gaze and finds Carlos on fire in a way he's never witnessed. ___Oh fuck, you are so hot._

Logan jumps when music starts playing out of the blue, and when he sees the sudden guilt on Carlos' face, he knows where it's coming from. ___Damn her. Really? Now?_

"Logan, I...I gotta...Stephanie." Carlos holds up his phone as if offering proof.

"Yeah. I know." ___Not gonna cry, not gonna cry, not gonna cry..._he watches Carlos leave the room and sits heavily on his bed, tears welling up. ___So close. I was so close. Not gonna cry._

His own phone rings from the nightstand and he recognizes Camille's ringtone, which he's been sending to voicemail all day. He picks up the phone, stares at it for a moment, but then pushes "ignore" again.___Not ready for her. _He sets it down again but then opens it up to turn the power off.___Fuck the world tonight. I'm just gonna lie here and cry over my Carlos._

It's getting dark in the room now but he doesn't turn on the light. Instead he rolls over to face the wall and prepares to do some serious sulking, and maybe even some wailing once Carlos leaves.

"Hey. Am I still invited to stay the night?"

Logan sits up fast and looks over his shoulder toward the door, where Carlos is leaning against the jamb looking sexy as all get-out, shirt hanging open to reveal a landscape of smooth skin. "Um...what happened?"

"She canceled. And I'm thinking maybe it's for the best. I've been fighting this for months, but I think there's somebody else for me, even if that somebody isn't a girl, but a guy who makes me want to pull my hair out all the time. So...can I stay, or would you rather mope around and have a pity party all night? Because I can go to the pool-"

"Get over here, jerkface. Now."

Carlos grins and literally takes a flying leap toward the bed, crushing Logan on impact, but he barely even notices because all he can feel are those lips on his again, and all is right with the world.


	13. The Showdown

**Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic begins as more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you _don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

**IMPORTANT:** This chapter was co-written by me and my LJ buddy **roxashasboxers** . She blows me away with her storytelling, especially when the moment gets intensely charged with passion, and I knew James and Kendall deserved something more powerful than I'm able to give them on my own. So I enlisted her aid, and she did not disappoint. _At all._ She is amazing. If you like this chapter, let her know. Seriously.

Dedicated to The Brat Prince (Jondy MacMillan) because not only is she the coolest thing ever, she managed to get me writing again. Well, her and James both. Thanks for the prodding (and suggestions!), my darling Jondy. And thanks for the proofreading on this as well. Editor extraordinaire!

And is anyone surprised that I'm thanking my bestest friend **kathrynew30** for her encouragement and for keeping my nose to the grindstone? I got waylaid by that other pairing but this story deserves a good ending and I'm determined to give it one. She's keeping me moving on this.

Probably only one more chapter after this one, guys. It's been a wild ride and I've loved every minute of it. Again, thank you SO SO SO much for reading and telling me you like this. *group hug*

**_XOXOXOXOXOXO_**

_One Week Later_

Something is wrong with James, and Kendall doesn't know what to do about it. It's in his nature to fix a problem when it arises, especially when it threatens the happiness of a friend—or whatever James is anymore. The previous six months haven't always run smoothly, and Kendall can honestly say that living with James but not being able to have him is the most difficult thing he's ever had to do. He's dealt with it by spending the majority of his time with Logan while James hangs with Carlos more than anyone else. James has taken The Dream and run with it, making Kendall roll his eyes no less than ten times a day with his antics, but also making Kendall proud because James is getting _noticed_. Maybe not by the right people, but it's only a matter of time.

He has only regretted the move on two occasions. One of them was right after they arrived, when they were all at each others' throats and he couldn't understand how it had gone sour so quickly. His goal upon coming to L.A. had never been about actually making a demo, and maybe because of that he hadn't been trying all that hard to make it work. Following his lead as usual, Logan and Carlos didn't focus as they should have, which left only James singing his heart out and adopting any new idea Gustavo or the image consultants threw at them. It was fun for a few days and then it wasn't anymore, but it wasn't until Gustavo gave up on them that Kendall realized how much he had actually been enjoying being in a new place with his best buds and what a mistake it would be to let this opportunity pass them by.

Part of him was being pulled back toward Minnesota, toward the life they'd lived there so recently and the happiness he and James had finally found together. Then he would catch James' eye and realize that James had meant what he said-there would be no going back. If they moved back home it would be harder, because at least out here in sunny California there were distractions. At least out here, Kendall was reminded daily why he'd done this in the first place. His friends were having the time of their lives. It was the only way James was ever going to be seen by agents or casting directors or whoever it is James needs to go through. Once Kendall allowed himself to relax and enjoy his surroundings, he discovered that he liked it out here.

Now he is regretting the move again. Six months later, he is witnessing the deterioration of his best friends in odd ways; Carlos is trying to become a member of a girl clique, Logan has lost his core values in favor of riding the Hippie Train, and James...well. What can be said about James except that he's lost his freaking mind? One thing Kendall never grows tired of is looking at James, but right now it hurts his eyes because James is _mangerine_. His entire body (not that Kendall's had the pleasure of checking inside James' pants lately, but he can assume) has turned orange due to too much tanning spray. This is just the latest in a string of warning signs Kendall has noticed in James, but it is by far the worst, and James refuses to talk to him about any of it.

Kendall misses talking to James. While he and Logan have become closer and strengthened their bond and Kendall has welcomed that, he misses those late-night talks about nothing and everything that used to carry him into sleep. It's not like they avoid each other or anything, it's just that their friendship isn't what it used to be, though he knows it has to be this way in order for them to co-exist without losing their minds. He's tried distracting himself with a girlfriend of sorts, and sometimes it makes things better, but Kendall still falls asleep each night with an aching heart (and sometimes body) that only one person can soothe.

Jo is the type of girl he can talk to, and there have been a few times he's almost spilled his heart out to her about James and their past, but somehow he doubts it's a story his girlfriend (can he even call her that anymore?) would want to hear—even someone as cool as her. When Jo first arrived at the Palm Woods, the four boys tried to outdo each other for her attention, which was odd but then again, by that time all of them were ready for a distraction.

Logan confided in Kendall their first night in L.A. that he and Carlos had taken a huge step, and it was natural for Kendall to climb into Logan's bed and hold him while he chastised himself for wasting so much time and messing up so badly with Carlos. Since that first night, neither had slept alone and there had been one awkward situation where Kendall woke up from a wet dream and started attacking Logan, unable to control himself. Logan had responded immediately and within thirty seconds they were each insanely desperate to get off, but then common sense slapped them both and they moved away from each other at the same time, embarrassed and mortified. Kendall apologized and Logan laughed it off, and then suddenly they were both crying and holding each other in order to keep from running to the room next door.

It was the next day that Jo moved into their hotel and both welcomed an opportunity to lose themselves in someone new. Kendall imagined that Carlos was just desperate to be with a girl, and James...well, yeah. It truly surprised Kendall that James was so intent on making Jo his girl, at least until Logan commented a few weeks later that Kendall and Jo were similar in appearance; that had Kendall smiling all day. The more Kendall got to know Jo, the more he realized that while they didn't have a whole lot in common, she was someone he could see himself hooking up with. She was kind, laid-back, always willing to help, intelligent, and a lot deeper than most of the girls he'd met out here. She wasn't James, not even close, but she was someone he could talk to and who made him laugh, and that was good enough for the time being.

Logan had his own girl of sorts in Camille, who was the craziest female Kendall had ever met but whose single-minded pursuit of Logan he found admirable. She used acting as an excuse to touch/kiss/grope and even sometimes slap Logan whenever the need arose, and over time Kendall watched Logan warm up to her enough that his heart was starting to mend. Now if anyone were to ask, Kendall feels he can honestly say that Logan has a girlfriend and it wouldn't be a lie, and it's been nice to see Logan relaxing more. Although the past week Logan's been acting a bit secretive, even jumpy at times, and if Kendall wasn't so worried about James he would be asking more questions.

James has no problem getting girls to notice him, which is nothing new, except the fact that Kendall can't do or say anything about it is torture. He tells himself over and over that it's what he wanted for James, that this is what James deserves, this is what James _needs_, but he still feels an urge to dropkick any female who even smiles at James while walking by. Thankfully James doesn't seem to even notice half the attention being thrown at him, but Kendall knows the day will come when he finds a girl he can be comfortable enough with to give romance a try. He's noticed that at some point James and Camille became close, and if it wasn't for her devotion to Logan, Kendall might think there was something there. When he asked Carlos about it, Carlos said that Camille has the same drive to be famous and they'd bonded over it. Carlos also informed Kendall that it isn't his business if James wants to date someone, and Kendall left that conversation feeling sorry for himself even though he knew he'd caused this situation and that Carlos was right.

There is one girl who seems to be getting somewhere with James, though, and Kendall fantasizes about decapitating and maiming her on a daily basis. He doesn't even know her name (although he's probably heard it numerous times) and has no wish to; James referred to her in the beginning as Sunblock Girl so that's how Kendall thinks of her (along with names like That Whore and Stupid Slut and Dead Girl Walking). She's not even pretty, and the way she throws herself at James just makes Kendall want to puke, but he keeps the thoughts to himself—at least until bedtime, when Logan usually has to tell him to shut up already or call Jo to get his mind off James until he can calm down.

It's just that Kendall thought this would get easier with time. He knew it would be hard. He knew it would tear him apart. What he didn't know is that three months would turn into six and that James would somehow grow prettier and more unattainable each day. He also didn't know that watching James sing, _standing next to _James as they sing, would be so hard to handle because all Kendall ever wants to do in that sound booth is bend James over and make James his again, and is he ready to take that "big step" with James now? Hell yes. After the big dance the Palm Woods put on a few weeks ago (well, it was really the boys who put it on), James has been spending more time with Sunblock Girl and Kendall thinks it's getting serious. There was an actual _date_ last week, and Kendall stayed up late waiting for James to come home but...well. He snuck in at 5 A.M. and Kendall pretended to be asleep on the couch because as badly as he wanted to know _everything_, his brain informed him that his sanity couldn't take it. It was after the date that James started acting like he was hiding something; his focus was off and he was lost in thought often (which is something Kendall hasn't seen since the move), and Kendall can tell something is wrong but doesn't know how to get James talking. Every time he tries, James shrugs it off like it's nothing or finds a reason to leave the room.

And now? He's orange. Kendall can't even enlist Carlos' aid because Carlos has also lost his mind and is insisting on changing the band's name to "Carlos and the Rush" and has the whole world gone mad? Gustavo is at a loss as well, commanding Kendall to fix everyone, but he's having no luck. And now Logan isn't listening to reason, which is a scary development. Kelly, who has bonded with Carlos more than with the rest of them, is unable to get through to _him_. Gustavo brought in a shrink for James and even that ended badly.

What's killing Kendall is that he knows one thing that would shake James to the core and force him to just WAKE UP ALREADY, but he can't even attempt it; not only because he gave up the right to James months ago, but also because he's pretty sure James would fight him (physically even) if he tried. Kendall knows the old James is in there somewhere and thinks that if he can just find a way in, he can draw the rational side of James out long enough to talk about all of this and maybe help him through it. He wants to press James up against a wall and kiss him until he passes out, and then maybe James will wake up all better again—kind of like rebooting a computer. But of course as Carlos likes to remind him, he relinquished his hold on James a long time ago and now has to live with it.

Doesn't anyone get _why_ he did it? Don't they understand that it's all for James?

Before Carlos and Logan jumped ship into Lala Land, the three of them teamed up with water pistols and bandannas to cure James' utter orangeness. Somewhere along the way the other two got distracted from the mission, but Kendall quickly discovered that chasing James around the Palm Woods like hunted prey was not only fun, but the biggest turn-on he'd experienced since their break-up. Something about cornering James against a wall and bending James to his will brought back memories and feelings so intense he could almost pretend they were still together, because James was his entire focus and for the first time in months, Kendall was James' as well. The atmosphere between them was heated when James looked up at him with nowhere else to go, and the water gun pointed down at James spoke volumes about where Kendall's thoughts were. Kendall saw in James' eyes that he was feeling it too, and in that moment their brains were on the same wavelength and this could only end one way—in Kendall's bed with James under him, having been conquered right here and now. What might happen after that didn't matter. With a smug grin at James, Kendall pulled the trigger on his gun and squirted him in a way that would have been indecent—except that the squirt didn't quite happen because the water gun was empty. Just like that, the mood was broken and James was up and running, and Kendall wanted to scream but was laughing too, because he felt better than he had in all the time they'd been here; he felt more like himself. _Damn you James, get back here! You will be mine!_

One thing that still has the power to clear his head is hockey. His mom noticed a few months in that Kendall was starting to feel the strain, so she asked around until she found a rink nearby. Within an hour of being back on the ice, Kendall was able to cope with all the changes and take each moment as it came, and now he looks forward to the alone time he gets whenever he escapes to the ice. Today is one of those times he is desperate to get away, and he's on his way over when Kelly helps him come up with a solution to the Hollywood Fever problem his friends are going through. They come to the conclusion that what's really going on here is simple homesickness; Kendall isn't suffering because even though he misses home more than the other three, he mentally returns to Minnesota every time he gets on the ice, and it's cathartic.

_We're going to bring Minnesota to them. I want my friends back and I want my James back and even if I can't have him the way I want to, I can't stand watching him so lost. I just want him to be happy again._

With the help of Katie, Buddha Bob the Maintenance Man, Camille, and Kelly, Kendall is able to recreate a touch of home in California. They create a winter wonderland in the park, complete with a snowman and a bed of ice in which to play, and then Kendall and Kelly go on the attack with snowballs, pelting the boys until they grow angry enough to take up chase. It's an incredible, light-hearted moment that brings together everyone staying at the Palm Woods for an afternoon of playing in the snow. Logan's hippie bongos are thrown aside, Carlos doesn't care that his silk scarf is being ruined, and best of all James washes himself clean in the pure snow until he is beautiful and naturally tanned again. Kendall can't take his eyes off him; it's as if he hasn't really seen him in years, and he keeps catching James watching him as well.

When Kendall can no longer ignore what's going on between them he approaches James across the snow, his heart beating the way it did before their very first kiss, when he was terrified and thrilled and felt like he would die if it didn't happen right then. James looks up in time to see him coming and backs away, glancing around for someone, _something_, to rescue him. He shakes his head at Kendall, continuing to increase the distance, and when Kendall shows no sign of slowing down, James takes to his heels and _runs_. Kendall is moving in a second, long legs carrying him into the hotel and toward his prey until finally James takes a wrong turn into a dead-end, deserted hallway. He spins around with his hands pressed to the wall behind him, panic written on his face.

"Kendall. No. Stop."

Kendall smiles and shakes his head, closing the distance more slowly now in order to savor the moment. "Uh-uh. No way."

"Kendall. I mean it. STOP."

"Too late now, James. I couldn't if I tried."

James' hands come up in front of him and tighten into fists. "Don't make me hurt you."

"You can try. But I brought insurance." Kendall reaches into his back pocket and whips out the bandanna he'd shoved in there earlier.

"NO! Fucking stop right there!"

And there, finally, is what Kendall's been missing. No mask, no ditz, not even a mirror in sight—just James Diamond, _his_ James Diamond, angry and flushed and ready for a fight. It makes Kendall hard as a rock in three seconds flat and his eyes glaze over, the bandanna falling to the floor. "James, God, I've missed you so much."

"Well too fucking bad! I am _not_ doing this with you. I'm not! Back the fuck up right now."

"Can't." Kendall approaches James again with a lazy grin.

"You...we..." And then it comes to James in a flash. "Jo! You can't, you have a girlfriend!"

He's there now, hands over James' shoulders and pressed flat against the wall, James' body trapped. "You know it's always been you," he whispers. "We kind of broke up after Jordin Sparks left, didn't Carlos tell you?"

"Fuck, Kendall..." Kendall's lips are at his throat and _it's so not fair, why does he always do this to me and NO. I'm not giving in this time. _James reaches up and shoves Kendall away. "I'm not going to fall in love with you again. It's not gonna happen, Kendall. Never again."

The words hurt deeply, but Kendall knows he deserves them. "I'm not asking for love, James. I know I'm not good for you, but...I need you. Right now, I need you and I can't...even breathe without you." Kendall moves in again and brushes their cheeks together, lips on James' hair. "I don't want to wake up tomorrow a virgin, James. I'm ready and I can't stay away from you anymore."

"Ah, Kendall. Why do you have to be such an idiot all the time?"

"Because I love you. And that's what love does. Makes us all stupid."

"No, not all of us." James braces himself before speaking again. "Kendall, I'm not a virgin."

If James hadn't caught him, Kendall would be on the floor right now. "You're lying," he manages.

"No. I'm not. Rachel and I..." James holds onto him.

"Who?"

"_Rachel._ The girl I've been seeing? I believe you refer to her as That Whore?"

Kendall reels as if he's been slapped. "_Her?_ And Logan told you that?"

James can't help it, he chuckles. "The walls are thin, baby, and you tend to go off sometimes. Loudly."

"So...all this time, you knew I've been going crazy?"

"Of course. I have, too, and you're so stupid not to see that. But that part of our lives is over now. It was your-"

"I know, okay? I KNOW. If one more person tells me it was my decision, like somehow that makes it all better, I'm gonna kill them. I _know_ it was my fault, and I know _why_ I did it, and...how could you fuck some chick?"

"I was trying to get over you, asshole. I thought if I could just have sex with a girl and enjoy it, maybe I'd stop wanting you all the time."

"Oh. And? How did that turn out?"

"Um...I turned orange, that's how. I totally snapped. I hate you. I can't even get over you and I fucking hate you so much right now."

"Oh, James..." Kendall takes James' face in both hands and pulls him in for a kiss, filled with both sadness and elation. _Love shouldn't have to be so hard._

James shoves him away again before their lips touch. "That doesn't mean I'm doing this again. I told you. I'm not."

"No? You think you can tell me that someone else touched you like that and I'm just gonna let it go?"

"Yes. Because it's not your business anymore. You pushed me away. Now let me go."

"No."

"Kendall, we're not doing this! Back up or I _will_ punch you."

"Like hell you will." Kendall leans in again and James shifts away, shoving at Kendall's chest. The blond stumbles back but quickly recovers, stepping forward again.

"Dude, I'm serious. Back the fuck up." James holds out a hand. Kendall soldiers on, batting the hand away. He reaches up and wraps his own around James' neck, voice falling soft as he pulls the taller boy down for a kiss, "You don't mean that."

James jerks away with more effort than he would like, "Yes, Kendall, I do. Now stop or I will _make_ you stop."

"How you gonna do that?" Kendall taunts, pressing James against the wall. His voice is still a deep rumble.

"Kendall." James warns.

"You want this just as much as I do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. I can see it when you think I'm not watching, but I'm always watching and you can't hide this from me, James. I know you too well."

"You don't. I've changed."

"No. You're still my James, still the one who used to kiss me until I couldn't breathe, until I didn't _want_ to breathe. And you want that back, I see it when you look at me sometimes. I know I screwed up before but why won't you let yourself be happy? With me?"

And that is it. That's just it! "You want to know why? Because the first time you broke my heart damn near killed me! I can't go through that again! You're selfish, and arrogant, and the second I think you really do care about me, you throw it all away!" James shoves Kendall back and steps around him. He doesn't need to deal with this.

Kendall grabs his arm, "I did it for you! I swore I would do everything in my power to get you famous and this is what it takes!"

James whirls around, "So why come back now?"

"Because not having you is killing me! I can't function without you, James! I'm losing it! I'm dreaming about you, I can't breathe when I don't know where you are and every night I think about what I threw away and it kills me, James! It kills me!" Kendall stares up with pleading eyes. James feels his chest tighten at the sight of unshed tears.

His voice is rough when he speaks, "I told you that night that I wasn't going to start this again and I meant it. Now let go of my arm or I will punch you."

Kendall's voice cracks, "James, _please-_"

"Dude, whatever you're going to say, don't." James snarls.

But Kendall, fucking rebel he is, says it anyway, "James, I love yo-"

Kendall's words are cut off as James' fist slams into his face. Kendall grabs his throbbing jaw, stunned by what just happened. James takes the opportunity to slip past Kendall and walks quickly towards 2J.

He huffs a breath of disbelief. Fucking Kendall. He can't just expect James to wait around for him, to welcome him back with open arms. Arrogant prick. He doesn't even know what love is. How he can say that, how he can taint the very concept, James doesn't know.

James growls as he struggles to put the key into the lock, "Son of a- _Fucking go in!_"

The door swings open and James slams it behind him. He stomps towards his room and flings himself down onto the bed, burying his face in his pillow. Why doesn't Kendall just move on? Why does he have to be so damn persistent? Why does he have to be so, so _Kendall_?

James jumps as the door bursts open. He barely has time to roll over before Kendall is grabbing his shirt and yanking him to his feet. He crashes their lips together and James almost kisses back before he remembers why he shouldn't. He jerks away, gaze redirected towards the ceiling, "Get out."

Kendall shakes his head, "No."

"Fine. I'll go." James sneers, walking around Kendall. The door slams just as he reaches it, Kendall leaning past him to hold it closed. James grinds his teeth, "What are you doing?"

"We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about."

Kendall doesn't answer immediately, takes a deep breath, "Fine." He releases the door and James wraps his hand around the knob. Before he can turn it, James feels himself being spun around and slammed against the door. Kendall is pressed up against him before he's even aware of what just transpired, hot hands on his hips and hot breath on his lips, "We won't talk."

James brings his hands up to Kendall's chest, shoving. Kendall stumbles back and James reaches for the door again only to be yanked to the ground by his tee shirt. He trips backwards, falling to the floor with a thud and an "oomph". Kendall straddles him quickly, hands fisting in James' shirt. He drags the brunette up so their faces are inches apart. James grabs his wrists in response.

"Stop," Kendall whispers. James' hands loosen and he watches Kendall closely as Kendall continues, "Stop running. If you really don't want this, tell me right now and I'll leave. But if you care about me like you used to, even just a little bit, then please stop running."

The raw pain, the honesty in Kendall's words and voice make James go still. He can hear his heart beat growing louder. The air in the room seems thick and he can't breathe. The only oxygen seems to be going into Kendall's lungs so James does the only thing he can. He stops running.

James buries his hand in Kendall's hair, bringing their lips together. Kendall kisses back furiously, gently pushing James to the floor. Their lips moves against one another, teeth clashing, tongues dueling and hands roaming, pulling, needing. It's violent and needy and desperate. Clothing is flung aside in the desperate search for skin, Kendall's jersey and James' tee shirt land side by side, as it should be.

Kendall bites James' lip, hisses as fingernails dig into his shoulders in response. He makes quick work of James' jeans, slides them down over slim hips. James kicks them off, fingers playing with Kendall's belt and is this really happening?

Kendall looks down at him for a moment before bringing their lips together. Yeah, it really is.

**_XOXOXOXOXO_**

Yes, I ended it there. Your imaginations will do a better job than my writing ever could, trust me. Please don't hate me. All you need to know is that they consummated their relationship and will discuss everything in the next chapter, okay? Okay. Still love me? *cringes*


	14. Big Time Rush

******Author's Notes:** Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic begins as more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_ like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

So. This is it. I cried my eyes out while writing this today. It's not even proofread but I feel like I have to get it out there or I never will. For those of you who were with me in the beginning and are still here, I can't thank you enough. These last few chapters were like pulling teeth, but it's because I got into Jagan and had a hard time getting back into Jendall long enough to finish this. I can't believe it's finally done. Thank you to those who gave me ideas and advice on Twitter, to ******roxashasboxers** for her help with chapter 13, to ******0ni_baba** for guiding me away from mistakes I almost made, to ******The Brat Prince** for making me a better writer. And of course to ******kathrynew30** , who is the most amazing person I've ever met. Please come back soon.

The above paragraph is what I wrote three years ago when posting this chapter. Now I'm going to add to that, because just like with Big Time Rush, there have been a lot of changes in my life over those three plus years. I've lost friends, gained new ones, and today I am a different person than I was when I wrote this story. One thing that hasn't changed is my love for Big Time Rush and the four boys who taught most of us how to live and take chances. I'm lucky enough to have shaken Scott Fellows' hand after the last scene of the show was filmed and thanked him for changing so many lives, for bringing together these guys and creating something magic that brought me (and most of you, probably), the best friends and memories I've ever had. His response was to turn around and thank ME for watching and being part of it all, and I think that right there is exactly why Big Time Rush is so amazing. There's no ego. Not with the guys (sure, make jokes about James and his use of "me" rather than "us" so often but we all know that he puts the band first), not with the show, not with the concerts. There have been some crazy fandom moments, but mostly we're a big family that loves each other and tries not to let drama get started, because we know what's most important is the boys and their love of what they do. And their love of us. They live to make us happy, they work hard for that, and I'd say that over the past four years, they've succeeded greatly in that.

But this was the beginning of it all, the television show that sucked most of us in, and when I wrote this chapter during the first season, I had no idea what the future would bring. It's been an incredible ride, hasn't it? Thanks to those of you who read my stories and showed me I have a talent I never really knew I had.

* * *

"Are you okay?" James waits for a response, and when he doesn't get one, he tries again. "Kendall?"

"Mmm." Kendall's arms wrap tighter around his waist. "Never better. Don't think I can move, though."

James chuckles. Both of them were literally shaking less than two minutes ago. "I know how you feel." He kisses Kendall's damp hair, knowing he should be angry and full of regret, but he just can't manage any of those feelings at the moment.

"One of us needs to get up and lock the door, though."

"What? We just had sex and ___now_ you're worried about locking the door?"

Kendall shrugs weakly against James' side. "Just saying."

"Okay, well, you have to let me go so I can do that."

"Nope." Kendall doesn't move.

"Kendall, I have to get up."

"Not happening."

"I'll come right back."

"Not taking any chances. You're staying right here."

James sighs and shakes his head. "So now you're gonna get all possessive again? Until you decide this is a bad idea and break my heart all over again?"

"Told you, James. I was wrong. I was stupid. You're not getting away from me again. I thought it was best for you if we weren't together. But you know what? I don't even care anymore. I just want you back."

___Oh. Wow._ "Um...can you at least look at me when you say something like that?"

Kendall's head shifts so that he's looking up toward James. His eyes are scared and James' heart melts. "I love you. Not letting you go again. Ever."

"But..." James wants to argue, not because he doesn't need it to be true, but because he's so afraid to trust again. "The band. You were so worried about us ruining it."

"I was. And this still might ruin it, I don't know. I just hope Carlos and Logan don't hate us if we cause problems."

James tries to sit up and Kendall refuses to move, so he settles back down before responding. "You don't need to worry about them. They might be the ones to ruin it before us, you never know."

Kendall's eyebrows rise. "In what way?"

"Logan didn't tell you? They got together last week. They've been sneaking kisses for days now, how did you not notice?"

"Wait. Seriously?" Kendall thinks back over the past week and Logan's odd behavior. "It was kind of hard to see past the hippie stuff."

"Hippie stuff?"

Kendall ignores that. "Is that why he's been so jumpy?"

"Probably. I don't think he's gotten up the nerve to tell Camille yet. Although he should, she would totally understand. Well...maybe."

"I can't believe this. Why wouldn't he tell me?"

James shrugs. "Maybe he didn't want to make you jealous. Not of Carlos, but of the fact that he's got the guy he loves and you don't."

Kendall's eyes burn into James. "But I do."

Oh God, that territorial possessiveness always makes James weak in the knees. His stomach jumps up into his throat and he swallows hard.

"I ___do_, James. You're mine. I was an idiot. I'm...sorry."

"Damn it, Kendall, how do I know? How can I be sure you're not gonna just turn around and pull this crap again if we start to get seriously famous? I swear to God, I will leave this band if you break my heart again."

"I'm not going to."

"I swore I wouldn't do this. I swore I wouldn't let you talk me into this again, even though all I ever want is this right here. I have options, okay? I could walk away from you and Big Time Rush any time I want to."

"What the fuck does ___that_ mean?" Kendall finally sits up, brows drawn together.

"It means I've had offers. Solo offers."

"You have?" The terror in Kendall's eyes is again heartbreaking. "Jesus, James, why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm happy making music with my best friends. But if I'm ever ___not_ happy, like bad enough to want to kill myself, I ___will_ leave. Just remember that."

"Oh my God, we're holding you back! James, why haven't you taken an offer? This is what we came here for, to make you famous!"

"It doesn't matter. A long time ago you said 'None of it matters if it's minus my best friends.' I feel the same way."

"You do? Really? I thought all you wanted was to be famous. It's been your dream since before we met."

"You can be so stupid sometimes, Kendall. Don't you realize that everything changed when I met you? All this time, all I ever wanted was to be yours. I wanted that more than anything else, even The Dream."

"But I was just distracting you. That's another reason I backed away, because I felt like I was being so selfish in keeping you all to myself. The world deserves to know of you, to see your beauty and...bask in your glow."

A strangled laugh erupts from James. "Did you really just say that?"

"Shut up, I'm serious, okay? You are amazing and everyone should know that. I want your dreams to come true, James."

"You're so stubborn sometimes. How can I put this? Okay, look. There's a song that always makes me think of you. It's by Adam Lambert and it goes, 'If I had you, that would be the only thing I'd ever need, cause if I had you, the money, fame, and fortune never could compete.' ___That_, Kendall. That right there is how I've always felt about you. You're all I need."

For a long moment Kendall just stares at James, and James sees the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. He sits up to take Kendall's lips in a slow, passionate kiss. "Let me worry about my dreams, okay? You just worry about being the best boyfriend in the entire world. Because you need some serious work in that department."

"Does that mean I'm in?"

"You never left. No matter how bad I wanted to forget you, I never could. I wanted you from the day we met, Kendall. And it wasn't long before I loved you."

"So this means I'm your boyfriend, right? I can fight off any chick that even looks at you now?"

"Depends on how you want to do this. Are we out?"

Kendall bites his lip, and James knows this is a huge step for him. Is Kendall ready to be open about their relationship?

"I don't know. I think we need to talk about all this with Carlos and Logan. Decide as a band how we want to handle this. We might have to have...you know. Covers."

"Covers?"

"Like...fake girlfriends. To throw people off. Because no way is Gustavo going to allow this."

James is already shaking his head. "This is the school dance all over again. You are not allowed to date anyone else."

"Will you just think for a second? Gay members of a boy band kill it for the fans."

"Not fans who truly care about the members."

"James. You know what Gustavo is going to say. He'll insist on that. Why is it you're willing to go along with anything he suggests to make us succeed, but when this comes up it's an immediate no?"

"Because I'm tired of lying. I love you and I want the world to know."

"Just wait until we talk it over with the guys, okay? They have a say in this, too."

James sighs. "Fine. But I mean it, Kendall. If you insist on stupid 'cover girlfriends' you'd better not fall in love with one. You fuck me on this and I'm gone. I can only die inside so many times."

"I know." Kendall leans forward, pushing James back against the pillows. "I promise you, James Diamond. I will never let you go."

"Say it again. Mean it."

Kendall grins. "I will never let you go. And I love you."

Kendall's kiss says more than his words ever could, and James is used to that, so he welcomes the reassurance he receives through it. He's still scared, still unsure this is going to work, but he does know that Kendall means what he says and that Kendall will do everything in his power to ___make_ it work. "I love you, too," James whispers before Kendall's mouth is on him again.

A knock at the door startles them five minutes later. "Did we lock it?" Kendall asks in a panic.

"Nope," James answers while making sure they're covered. "Yeah?" he calls out.

"Is Kendall in there?" ___Logan._

"Come in," James says.

Logan's head peeks into the room and he smiles. "Told you," he says to someone behind him, and then both he and Carlos are in the room. Carlos closes the door. "We were thinking this might be a good time for a band meeting," Logan says.

"I couldn't agree more," Kendall answers, pulling James closer to him under the blanket. "But can we get dressed first?"

Carlos whoops in excitement, then rushes forward to high-five Kendall. "Hey, can we switch rooms now? I'm tired of sleeping alone. It makes me do stupid things like pretend to be a Jennifer."

"You were a Jennifer?" James asks.

Kendall sits up on one arm. "Where have you been?"

"Uh...in my own little world. Mangerine."

"Right. Well, Carlos was a Jennifer and Logan was a hippie."

"Please don't ever speak of that again," Logan tosses out.

"Wow. So we're all back to normal now? Cool."

Kendall scoots back on the bed, pulling James with him, and Carlos immediately sits down and pulls Logan onto his lap. "This is gonna be a wild ride," Carlos says while fastening his helmet.

"It is," Logan adds. He fixes the strap of the helmet, which Carlos somehow twisted, before looking down at James and Kendall.

"It's not gonna be easy," James warns.

"No, but it'll never be boring," Kendall says. "I'd say it's gonna be a definite big time rush."

He is answered by three loud groans, and he laughs. There is no place he'd rather be, no people he'd rather be with. It has taken them years to get where they are now, and they've all made mistakes along the way, but by leaning on each other they have become a force to be reckoned with, an unbreakable unit that is held together by friendship and love. So many questions still need to be answered, a mountain of decisions need to be made, but James is in his arms and Carlos and Logan are nearby, happy in their own union. For the first time since moving to Hollywood, all is right with the world.


	15. 2013

******Author's Notes:**Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic begins as more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you ___don't_like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

I had no idea this was coming. As the show came closer and closer to ending, I was sad and didn't know how to deal with it. I'd accepted it, but that didn't mean I was okay with it. So what do I do when I need to come to terms with something? I write. I needed some kind of closure, and this gave me that. This was the first BTR story I ever wrote, so I guess it's fitting that it will be the last (most likely—don't quote me on that, because we know how often I change my mind). I'm sad right now typing this, because I don't want to say goodbye to Diamond, Knight, Garcia, and Mitchell. You guys know better than anyone else how much those characters mean to me. I hope people continue to write them even though the show is finished (and yes, it's true that nothing will be announced until next month, but I have it on good authority from someone who works at Paramount that it's over for good; that person could be wrong, but I tend to believe him). Even if we can't watch new episodes every week, we can still come here and read new stories, watch the characters live on in this medium (and on iTunes, of course). Thank God for fanfiction and opportunity it gives us to keep them alive.

I've had a few betas over the years, and I'm grateful to all of them for taking the time to read this stuff and give me honest feedback. **jdmazz** and **Aranelle** are the two who have continuously stuck with me, and I love them so much. Both as betas and friends, they are the best. Thank you to **Aranelle** for reading this one for me. It's cheesy. Maybe a bit syrupy sweet, too. But I hope you like it and it leaves you smiling, because even though we're all sad the TV show is ending, one thing we could always count on was it leaving us smiling.

Dedicating this last chapter to **waterwicca**, who was possibly the first to ever review me on FF and still to this day reads everything I write. Thank you, Heather.

Keep in mind I haven't written anything in a very long time and am probably rusty. Hoping not_ too_ rusty, though.

I love you guys. If you're reading this right now, I love you. Thank you for sharing Big Time Rush with me.

* * *

_**2013**_

Confetti litters the concrete surrounding the Palm Woods pool, the partygoers having long since abandoned the area. Kendall smiles when he sees some even found its way into the water. The DJ stand is deserted and the colorful lights have been turned off to leave the four remaining inhabitants mostly in shadow as they lounge together near the pool. A banner high above them screams "Goodbye Big Time Rush!" and it's with a bittersweet twinge of emotion that Kendall smiles because truly, those three words describe the last four years of his life better than any others could.

A hushed voice reaches his ears from the other side of James, who is cuddled up in his embrace on the lounge chair pushed up next to his. "I'm really going to miss this place," Logan sighs.

James nods, eyes scoping out the cabanas and firepit. "We've had some crazy times here, haven't we?"

"Remember when I cannonballed from the roof?" Carlos grins, and Logan rolls his eyes but hugs Carlos closer.

"Remember when Gustavo did?" James chuckles, and they all laugh recalling the few nightmarish days the man stayed with them here at the hotel.

"I'll never forget sleeping in the lobby to catch a ghost," Logan adds. "Told you there was no such thing, Carlos. It was Stephanie all along."

"That doesn't prove anything, Logan."

"It absolutely does, Carlos."

"What ever happened to Stephanie?" James muses from the safety of Kendall's arms.

"She went to film school on the other side of the country."

"Lucky for her," Logan says in a low voice. "I was about to strangle her. She was not about to give up on you, Carlos."

"Can you blame her?" Carlos grins. "I'm adorable."

Kendall rolls his eyes this time before nuzzling James' ear. "Remember our first time?" he whispers. "After you punched me?"

"Yeah, sorry about that. I was terrified to get close to you again."

"Still," Logan comments suddenly, "I was much happier when you were pursuing the Jennifers. They were never really a threat."

Carlos nods. "And it worked to make everyone think I wanted to date girls."

James frowns. "I still think it would've been fine if we'd switched rooms. It's not like your mom and Katie didn't know about us, Kendall. Same with Jo and Camille, eventually."

"It was better to keep up that appearance, James. And it's not like we didn't sleep together every night anyway."

"True. I think I'm just pissed that we're finally coming out and I still won't get to share a room with you."

"Yes, you will. When I'm home."

"And when is that? A few days here and there when you can get away from Iowa?"

"That's only for a year. Two at the most."

"Oh right, because then you'll be moving to Minnesota, which is so much closer."

"It's actually farther," Logan points out.

Kendall glares over at him. "You're not helping."

Logan grimaces a silent apology and remains quiet.

With a sigh Kendall addresses James. "You know that my true home is L.A., right? Because that's where you are? That's the place I'll keep going back to over and over again, the house we bought together."

"I know," James complains, "it just sucks because I can finally scream to the world about you but I can't have you next to me. I'm giving up one for the other. It's not fair."

Kendall tilts James' chin up to look into his eyes. "It's my turn now," he says softly. "I spent four years making sure your dream came true. I fulfilled my promise, got you everything you ever dreamed of. Didn't I?"

"Yes," James answers, caressing Kendall's cheek. "You did. And you're right. It is your turn. Go play for the Wild. I'll be there to cheer you on whenever I can be."

Kendall smiles, leaning in to kiss James gently. "We'll have our someday. I promised you forever. You're getting that."

Nodding, James snuggles up to Kendall again, trying not to think of the years of empty nights that lay ahead. Kendall would play for the farm team and then advance to the Minnesota Wild, and eventually his career would go as far as it could and then he would return to live with James full-time. Until then, James would focus on his own music and wait, living for the moments they could visit each other. It wasn't exactly what James wanted for their relationship, but it was what Kendall needed. "Just don't forget me when you're around all those hot jocks," James warns. "I'm not giving you a second chance."

"Relax," Kendall soothes, rubbing James' back. "You know there's no one in the world prettier than you."

That, along with the kisses to his neck, settles James down, and he closes his eyes and hums softly so that he almost misses Carlos' sudden outburst of laughter.

"Shh!" Logan hisses. "Bitters is going to come yell at us. Now what's so funny?"

"I was just thinking about how long it took you to tell Camille the truth because you were so afraid of her. How you would actually hide from her."

"Well, she's scary when she's mad," Logan says in a defensive tone. "She might've done something crazy."

"But she didn't, did she? She totally understood."

A smile on his face and eyes still closed, James offers, "I always thought she was okay with it because Logan left her for a guy. If it had been another girl, she probably would've killed you."

"Yeah," Carlos agrees, "because remember when Peggy was after you? She wasn't happy about that."

"But she knew by then," Logan pointed out. "She told me that if I was going to have a pretend girlfriend, it was going to be her and no one else. So we did the whole off and on thing, just enough to keep people from suspecting the truth."

"And that's why I'm so glad I chose Jo," Kendall remarks, resting his chin on James' forehead. "She was so cool about it."

James snorts softly. "Yeah, it helped that she was having her own sexuality issues and falling for Camille. You helped her come to terms with that."

"Still, she became my best friend because of it, and we helped each other when it was necessary."

"Excuse me?" James sits up to stare at Kendall. "I thought I was your best friend."

"You're my boyfriend, James. It's different and you know it. I mean, yes, you're still my best friend, but the boyfriend thing...that kind of encompasses everything."

Logan raises an eyebrow at Kendall. "So Jo beats me as a best friend?"

Kendall lets out a frustrated noise and throws up his hands. "Guys, you're _all_ my best friends. You three come before anyone else in my life, haven't I made that clear over the years? How many times did we fight and I was the one going around trying to get everyone to make up? Without the four of us, things just aren't right. James is obviously my first priority, because he's the man I'm going to marry someday." James makes a shocked noise but Kendall continues. "I'm sure it's the same way for the two of you. But you all know we're a team, right? And that nothing can break this up?"

Carlos nods, grinning. "I knew that. I've always known that, from the first time Logan told me that with Kendall as my friend, he'd always take care of me and have my back. I knew I'd never be alone."

"You won't be," Logan murmurs, kissing Carlos' hair. "And I guess if I have to share Kendall as a best friend, it's you two I'd want to share with."

"Exactly," Kendall agrees. "We're all best friends. Nothing's ever gonna change that."

"Even you moving to Iowa?" James says in a tiny voice.

"Even that." Kendall rolls James onto his back, laying over him and kissing him. "I could move to Antarctica and that wouldn't change."

James reaches up to pull Kendall back down, and they lose themselves in each other.

"Remember that time James almost got married?" Carlos snickers.

"Do I! I thought Kendall was going to end up in jail for murdering royalty. How about when Gustavo ordered you to get a girlfriend?"

"That was actually fun!" Carlos grins.

"Not for me."

"Oh, like it was fun for me when you and James started hanging out together all the time?"

"What?"

"You know what I'm talking about. For awhile there you and James were inseparable. I was a little scared."

"Oh, you mean the same time you and Kendall got really close?"

"Shut up, we weren't even that close."

"Yes, you were! You guys have this special bond I can't compete with."

"As friends, maybe. He takes care of me."

"Excuse me? It's always been my job to take care of you."

"Yes, but you get annoyed sometimes. Even still. Kendall's better with me."

"You mean he's more patient."

"Right. And when you and I fight, I have to have someone to talk to about it, right?"

Logan shrugs. "You could always talk to me."

"Not _about_ you. You're not logical when it comes to feelings."

"I'm always logical."

"Nope. Not when it comes to feelings. You go a little overboard."

Logan sits up, turning to Carlos in surprise. "_You're_ telling _me_ I go overboard?"

"Yep," Carlos nods, still lying on the chair. "You have jealousy issues."

"Oh, and I'm alone in that? Have you met Kendall and James?"

Carlos chuckles, looking over at the other two and shaking his head because they're completely oblivious to anything around them as they kiss. "Yeah, they're pretty crazy. But so are you."

"I want to hold on to you, okay? Is that wrong?"

"I never said it bothered me, Logan."

"Oh. Okay then. But can you blame me? Sometimes I wonder why you put up with such a nerdy guy like me."

"Because you take care of me," Carlos answers as if it was obvious. "And you're hot when you do it. And even though you tease me, you never make me feel stupid. I know you love me and I know how proud you are when I do something right."

Logan nods slowly before stretching out next to Carlos again and pulling him close. "You uh...you know I'm going to be really busy once school starts, right? And then eventually when I start interning, too? I won't be around all the time like I am now, especially once I move into the dorm. I'm a little worried about you."

"That's because you love me," Carlos smirks, kissing Logan's cheek. "But I'll be okay. Mama K and Katie will be there for me when you're not. And you'll be home on the weekends, right?" When Logan nods, Carlos adds, "Then it'll be fine."

"I suppose," Logan sighs. "And you'll be working with the stunt teams down at Paramount, right? Making sure you know how to _safely_ become a stuntman before trying anything too dangerous?"

"Duh. But if I break a bone, I'll have my doctor boyfriend to fix me up."

"Not quite yet. I still have to go to school, you know."

"Close enough," Carlos shrugs. "I'm proud of you. I don't think I ever told you, but I'm proud of you for getting into the medical program you wanted. I know it's been your dream to study at UCLA for a long time."

Logan's face morphs into a huge grin. "Thank you, Carlos. And I'm proud of you for taking a risk and getting into the stunt business. While it terrifies me to think of you putting your body in danger every day, I know it's what you were born to do and I'm really proud that you took the steps to make it happen."

His blush barely noticeable in the dim light from the torches burning nearby, Carlos says, "Well, Kelly helped. She knows people at the studio."

"Still. You put it into motion."

They're quiet for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of Hollywood at night and attempting to block out the occasional gasps and groans from the next chair over. Kendall and James still have their clothes on, but it won't be that way for much longer.

"Hey," Carlos whispers.

"What?" Logan whispers in return.

"Do you think James will be okay without Kendall? I told him he could live with us at the house Mama Knight bought, but he said he wants to live close to his record company. I think he just wants to live in a fancy house."

Chuckling, Logan nods. "I think you're right. And I think he'll be okay, though it's going to be really tough on him for awhile. He knows he can come over to our place anytime, and I'm sure he will."

"I know, it's just...remember how he gets when the stress gets to be too much and he doesn't have Kendall? Remember in Minnesota when Kendall asked that girl to the dance and he kind of went a little crazy? Remember when we first moved out here and he ended up orange because he couldn't have Kendall? Oh, and remember just a few weeks back when he broke up with Kendall over...I don't even know what? Some stupid test in a magazine?"

Logan remembers all of it and sighs. "Sometimes James gets caught up in his head and doesn't think. Kendall always gets through to him, though, right?"

"Yeah, but Kendall won't be here. That's the problem."

"He'll still be here. Just...not within running distance. But we can still call him and text him and even Facetalk with him, right?"

"I know, it's just..."

"Don't worry, Carlos. James will be fine. We'll look after him, just like we did back in Minnesota. We're a team, like Kendall said. All of us."

"I love you," James suddenly pants, breaking away from Kendall to say it and surprising all of them as he stares up at Kendall. "I love you for all of this, for getting me here, for the albums and videos and photo shoots and signings and concerts and all the fans and the award and just...everything. I love you, because without you none of this would've been possible. Thank you."

Touched by the outburst, Kendall smiles down at James. "You're welcome, beautiful. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat."

James turns his face to the right and looks at Carlos and Logan, emotion threatening to overwhelm him. "You guys, too. Without you none of this would've happened. And it's been the best four years of my life and I don't know what's next, but I know that this right here, the four of us in this place, we created magic. I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else, or even alone. My future career will be all me, but it wouldn't even be happening if we hadn't faced down an arrogant, asshole record producer in a grocery store parking lot all those years ago. I'll never forget you guys and what you all did for me. Thank you."

Kendall hugs James close, a bit overwhelmed himself. When Carlos flings himself toward them, Kendall opens his arm to welcome Carlos and then Logan into the awkward group hug that happens next.

"I love you guys," James says with feeling, reminding Kendall of a long-ago winter's day when they'd found themselves cornered by a girls' hockey team in an alley. None of them had any idea then what was in store, or that they would one day be performing on a stage after winning an award for a talent they didn't even know they had. But like he'd said earlier, together they make magic. Together, nothing can stop the impenetrable force now known worldwide as Big Time Rush.

Suddenly feeling the need to be away from prying eyes (not that anyone else is around, but Kendall knows better than anyone how sneaky paparazzi can be), Kendall suggests, "Let's go inside. One last mug of hot cocoa before we spend our last night at the Palm Woods. I hope Mom didn't pack that up yet."

As they all stand, Carlos asks, "Can I have marshmallows?!"

"You ate them all yesterday," Logan reminds him, sliding an arm around his waist as they head toward the lobby. None of them care anymore if they're seen being amorous; they're done hiding, done lying to the world, and they know it'll be front page news on the gossip tabloids within a week. They'd warned Gustavo and Kelly earlier in the evening, and of course neither had batted an eyelash because they'd suspected all along, but Logan did feel a little bit sorry for the questions that would be hammered at them in the days to come.

"Darn. I forgot." Carlos rests his head on Logan's shoulder as they walk. "Hey, remember the time we had to dress up like space matadors?"

"Ugh, don't remind me," James groans, grabbing Kendall's hand. "Griffin almost ruined our first photo shoot."

"Yeah, but we met Marcos del Posey that day, and he turned out to be the best video director we could've had," Kendall tosses out.

"True," Logan agrees as they pass the front desk, which is abandoned other than the ever-present "Manager" sign sitting on it. "How about when we went crazy over those sneakers, James?"

James laughs, recalling that even Logan got carried away once they were on his feet. "That reminds me of the time you stole my swag."

All of them laugh then, Kendall pressing the button to call the elevator down.

"He did look really damn good," Carlos comments. "I remember you had all those little fangirls following you around."

"Kind of like James when we first met him?" Logan jokes.

"Don't remind me." Once they're in the elevator, Kendall pulls James back against him. "I never understood how he did that. But I guess deep down, I was just like them. Mesmerized by your beauty," he teases.

"You couldn't take your eyes off me," James smiles, resting his hands on Kendall's arms. "Tell me something, Kendall. 'Paralyzed.'"

"The song?" Kendall asks.

"Yeah. You wrote that about me, right?"

James is smug and Kendall shakes his head, but not because James is wrong. "The parts I did write, yes."

"Which is basically the whole song," Carlos teases.

"No, just a lot of it. It was my way of putting it all into words, the torture I went through before you finally started paying attention to me."

James hugs Kendall's arms tighter against him. "I knew that was about me. And just so you know, you weren't the only one going through torture. I couldn't stop thinking about you even though I tried so hard to fight you off and not fall in love with you."

"So glad you didn't succeed in that," Kendall sighs. "No matter how many times I fucked up with you, you always came back."

"Because I'm stupid."

"I choose to think of it as hopelessly in love."

The elevator opens and they make their way down the hall. Logan chuckles and glances back at James. "I'll never forget you dressing up as a girl with Jett."

"Shut up, I was hot!"

"Mmm, you were," Kendall agrees, nibbling at James' neck.

"Oh, like you didn't dress up a like a girl yourself, Logan."

Logan shrugs at James' comment. "It's true, I did. Learned a lot that day."

"Haven't we all dressed up like girls at some point?" Carlos wonders.

Kendall nods. "We did. But not all of us were crowned for it," he smirks.

"Oh, don't even mention that, Kendall," James warns.

"But you so wanted that crown!" Kendall laughs, hugging James back to him again. "You went on and on about the stupid crown, even told me to bow before you, if I remember correctly?"

"I got it, didn't I?"

"Yes, but not the way you wanted to. I was a little jealous of Logan that night."

"I don't like to think about it," Carlos says with a shake of his head.

"Because I looked so good with Logan?" James asks with a smug expression.

"No, because Logan looked way too happy in that picture they took. He was so proud to be your date."

"Yeah, I had fun with it," Logan admits. "Never thought I'd be crowned prom king. Come on, Carlos, you have to admit I looked good in the crown. If I remember correctly, you asked me to wear it later when we were-"

"Oh, look! Here we are!" Carlos blurts, cutting off Logan's words. Everyone laughs, letting what Logan almost said slip by without further comment. They stop before the door to 2J, realizing at the same time that this will be their last night in the apartment they made so many memories in.

James lifts a hand to trace the 2. "We all had sex for the first time in this apartment."

"Not all of us," Kendall says in a low voice.

"I meant with each other," James amends. "This is where we finally all got our heads out of our asses and stopped fighting what was meant to be."

Logan raises his hand as well, tracing the J. "We had our best Christmas here, too. Remembered what it's all about."

Kendall nods, adding, "I think we learned all of our most valuable lessons in this place. Mostly we learned how to live."

Carlos says softly, "What was it you always said, Kendall? Something about opportunity and living like it's big time?"

"No," Kendall grins, "you're mixing it up with the song. My line was 'Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime.'"

"You said that to me before the audition that changed our lives," James recalls. "And you told me to go big time."

"And you did," Kendall replies. "We all did. Every second of every day."

Logan tilts his head, spinning to look back at them. "You know what Kendall taught me? Without actually putting it into words?" The other three wait, and Logan continues, "With most things in life, you live and learn. What's important is that you lived."

Impressed, the other three nod while looking at each other. "I couldn't have said it better myself, Logan," Kendall states. "Is this where I make my joke about our lives being a big time rush?"

Everyone groans but they're laughing as they open the door, and for what will be their last night there, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan disappear into apartment 2J.

* * *

Four cabs line the driveway of the Palm Woods, waiting for the four young men who will soon climb into them to start the next phase of their lives. They are as usual running late, Logan having been ready an hour ahead of time but getting roped into helping the other three pack up what hasn't already been loaded into moving vans. "Carlos! We have to go, Kendall's flight leaves in an hour!"

"Okay, okay, I'm coming!" Carlos yells, rushing out of the bathroom with his helmet in hand. "Almost forgot this."

"Guys," Kendall says from the hallway, "I told you. You don't have to leave with me, I can just go."

"No no no!" Carlos reaches back for Logan's hand. "We all have to leave together. That's how it's supposed to be."

"Besides," James offers, walking up to stand next to Kendall, "I bet we'll be stopped in the lobby a million times for people to say goodbye. It's easier when we're all together."

"They'll probably even want pictures," Logan sighs. "Like Kendall isn't already late enough."

"It'll be fine." Kendall takes one last look around. "We got everything?"

James nods, looking at the furnished but otherwise empty apartment. "Sucks we have to leave the cool stuff behind."

"Swirly!" Carlos calls out, pouting at the sight of his best friend still bolted to the wall.

"I'll get you a new one someday," Logan promises. "When we get our own house, okay? I'll be a rich doctor, I can do that for you. Just swear to me you won't get yourself killed before I can do that."

"Deal," Carlos beams, proud of himself for getting what he wanted without even having to ask.

James and Logan are both proved correct. As they make their way through the Palm Woods lobby for the last time, they're approached by numerous guests, most of which they can call friends now. Even Bitters looks a little sad to see them going, and Kendall can only guess how boring his days will be without Katie around to keep him on his toes. From somewhere, possibly the pool area, a familiar song floats to them, the words wrapping around the four like ribbons attempting to keep them from leaving.

_I never really understood what it was_

_Like what's the big deal anyway?_

James watches Camille give Logan one last hug, watches the tears run down her face while Jo stands behind with a comforting hand on her shoulder. These people have become like family to them, and as excited as he is for the next phase, it hurts to say goodbye. He grabs Kendall's hand and squeezes tight, taking strength from the strong grip as he's pulled into a hug by Guitar Dude.

_I'd never seen anything like it before_

_Once you opened the door_

_See, I was like oh yeah yeah_

_It don't get any better_

_Oh yeah yeah _

_Wish that this was forever_

Jo stops Kendall for a tight hug as well, and James allows it because he knows that she won't get to see him again, at least not for a long time. While it's true James won't either, Kendall will return to him—every single time. He remembers the summer Jo flew out of Kendall's life and how difficult that was for Kendall, because she truly had become such a good friend to him. He imagines what Kendall felt then is what Jo feels now, and once Kendall steps away he drags her in for a hug as well. "Thank you for being there for him," James whispers.

"Just keep him happy," she whispers back, voice thick with tears.

"I swear to you, I'll do whatever it takes. He deserves it after everything he's done for me."

_And everybody's gonna make an appearance_

_Even the butterflies came, what a feeling_

_Then bliss came with Mr. First Kiss_

_It was better than they ever explained it yeah_

Hearing his voice sing that last line, Logan is reminded of why he wrote it, and looks at Carlos over Tyler's shoulder as they hug. He remembers that first kiss so long ago in his bedroom back in Minnesota, how the fireworks had taken off in his stomach and opened his eyes to the boy who would become the love of his life. Suddenly needing to be close, he makes his way to Carlos and slides a possessive arm around his waist. When Carlos glances up in surprise, Logan leans in to whisper, "I love you."

Carlos grins, kissing Logan right on the lips. "I know. And now so does everyone else."

Logan laughs and drags Carlos out of the lobby and into the sunshine.

James and Kendall soon follow, Carlos' voice now wrapping around them like the ribbons did earlier.

_See I know it's getting late_

_I only wish the sun would wait_

_And let this party last a little longer_

They stop to look at each other, the words matching their hearts exactly.

_See I know love it comes and goes_

_But this right here I don't think _

_That I ever want to let it go_

_I wish I would've known_

Kendall drags James close to sing his lines softly into his ear. "All this talk about being in love, I could never get into the party. Now I understand only because you showed me the way..."

James grins and kisses Kendall hard, a few shocked sounds erupting around the room but they're quickly drowned out in cheers and catcalls. "Did you mean what you said last night? I'm the guy you're gonna marry someday?"

"Like there's anyone else I would say that about?" Kendall smirks.

"Well. Just so you know, the answer is yes."

"I kind of thought it would be." With a wink, Kendall pulls James out of the building, the final notes of the song trailing them.

_Cause your heart calling _

_Feels like confetti falling_

_Down down down_

* * *

_**2023**_

"Our rock block continues with this one, a classic that we're playing to celebrate the reunion of Big Time Rush. The guys say it's only for one show, but maybe with enough requests we can convince them otherwise, right? Who's with me?"

Carlos laughs at the D.J.'s words while turning the volume up on the radio, putting the car into gear as the first line blasts into his car.

_Make it count, play it straight_

_Don't look back, don't hesitate_

He joins in for the next one, yelling it out with a laugh and a fist pump into the air. "When you go big time!"

The guard at Paramount Studios waves goodbye as he passes through after a long day of shooting what is sure to be next summer's blockbuster hit, and Carlos beats the steering wheel as he waits for the light to change. He hasn't been this excited since...well...he can't even remember, but he's sure it was something that took place when he was still living at the Palm Woods. He still can't believe it's been ten years since Big Time Rush disbanded, and even though he sees the guys regularly (Logan of course more than the others, since they live together), it's different this weekend because they're putting on a show together just like the old days. Can they still sing? Other than James, probably not. Can they still dance? Who knows? Carlos doesn't really care. All he knows is he's going to have the time of his life getting back on a stage with his three most favorite people in the world.

"Hey! Hey! Listen to your heart now!" he belts out, making a left turn toward the freeway and the house Logan will be joining him at soon.

* * *

_Hey! Hey! Don't you feel the rush?_

Logan jolts as the old song fills the car, having not heard their music on the radio in years. He supposes it's fitting that it's playing today, since Sunday is their big reunion show. He picks up his phone and sends a text to James. _"I'm nervous. Can we practice tonight? I forgot how to dance."_

The insulting reply makes him laugh. _"You never knew in the first place, dude."_

"_Screw you."_ he shoots back just before pulling out of the hospital's parking lot. He tosses his phone on the seat next to him, where it lands on his doctor's coat. Logan has never regretted his career path; he knew it ten years ago, and every day he's reminded that saving lives is what he was born to do. But there are times he misses the excitement of getting up on a stage in front of thousands of screaming fans, and this weekend he can revisit it, even if for a short time.

His phone beeps and he glances at it, stopping the car at a light. _"You know it's true. Kendall __says hurry up and get Carlos and then get your asses to the house. He's hungry."_

"_Working on it."_ Logan replies with a chuckle, then turns the radio up. Their first song wasn't their best, but it always worked as the motto they lived by. He sings as he pulls out into traffic again, trying not to think about the fact that soon enough he'll be singing these words in front of a live audience.

"Come on shake it up, what you got to lose, go and make your luck with the life you choose..."

* * *

James climbs into the car and pockets his phone, waiting for Kendall to stow his bags in the trunk before joining him in the driver's seat. "Are they there yet?" he asks.

"Not yet," James answers. "I think Logan just got off work. Carlos is almost home."

"Logan doesn't work far, so they'll be at the house soon."

Before Kendall can turn the car on, James leans across the console for a long kiss. When they break apart, Kendall's smiling. "Miss me?"

"You know I did. Think they'd mind us insisting on a half hour alone before dinner?"

"Hmm, I'm sure they can keep themselves busy," Kendall grins. "You can't even wait until bedtime?"

"Kendall, I haven't seen you in weeks, you've been all over the country kicking ass on the ice. Don't act like you're not about to rip my pants off right here at the airport."

"Am I that obvious?"

"It could just be me wishful thinking."

Kendall drags James in for another kiss. "Trust me. It's not."

"I wish you could stay longer," James sighs, head resting on the seat when he leans back. "I'm excited for this weekend, but it would be better if you were staying longer than just that."

"I know. Soon, babe. The season's almost over, and then probably just one more after that."

"Probably?" James repeats. "What happened to you retiring after this one?"

"Well," Kendall answers, squirming as he turns the car on. "The G.M. and I were talking today and he made me this offer and-"

James interrupts with a drawn-out sigh. "So you're doing another year?"

"I told him I had to talk it over with you first. If it's really that big of a deal to you-"

"I just miss you."

"I know. I miss you, too. But you've got your album coming out next year and you'll be busy all the time with promo anyway. And I'm sure there's a tour in the works?"

"I haven't agreed to it yet. I wanted to discuss it with you first."

"Well, let's discuss it now." Kendall backs the car out and drives toward the parking structure's exit. "What is it you want?"

"My husband home."

"Okay."

"Okay?" James asks, surprised it was that easy. "Really? That's it?"

"Absolutely. If you want me home, I'll tell them no. Simple as that."

"Wow. Okay." James stares out the window, unsure where to go next. To fill the awkward silence, he reaches out and flips the radio on, both of them doing a double-take to stare at the display as if they're hearing wrong.

_You and I, we're gonna make a brand new sound like we own this town_

_We can fly, now our feet are off the ground, we never look down_

_Welcome to the big time_

The song reminds James of a time when Kendall sacrificed everything for him, gave up his dreams of hockey just so that James could live his own dream. He turns his face to stare at Kendall's profile and asks softly, "Do you _want _to do another season?"

Kendall keeps his face forward as he drives but replies, "I want to do what makes you happy."

"You do. You always have. It's still your turn. If you want to do one more season, do it."

A hand slides over to grip James'. "You mean it?"

"Yeah," James answers, and he _does_ mean it.

"You're wrong, though. It's _our_ turn. We've both been living our dreams for ten years now. And we've done it together, even when we can't be physically. You're always right here with me. You know that, right?"

Smiling, James nods. He does know, because Kendall is always with him as well.

_If you want it all, lay it on the line_

_It's the only life you got so you gotta live it big time_

They pull into the driveway just as Logan's shiny Lexus arrives, and Kendall grins. Once again they'll share a stage, even if it's just for one night. And who knows, really? It might even happen again. They have the rest of their lives, and he knows that when the four of them get together like this, magic happens. Maybe they'll stay at the Palm Woods for the weekend, just for old times' sake.

Moving forward doesn't mean letting go of the past. They're older and somewhat wiser, but deep down they'll always be the four dogs from Minnesota who proved to Gustavo Rocque and the world that they have what it takes to shine. Stepping out of the car, Kendall waves at Carlos, who gives a whoop of delight and rushes toward him for a hug. Logan nods at James over the roof of his car, and James grins back while holding his arms open in invitation.

_It's good to be home_, Kendall thinks as he's tackled by Carlos. It doesn't matter if it's on a stage or at a hotel in Los Angeles or even on the roof a big truck parked in the middle of downtown, home is wherever he finds the three most important people in his life. Home is where the magic happens. When the four of them are together, all is right with the world.

And the musical journey does, in fact, continue.


End file.
